First, I would like to say that things between us have been MUCH better. Since he wanted me to discuss my feelings more I have promised myself that I would not hold anything in anymore – not even the irrational thoughts that woman sometimes have. There were a few occasions were he failed to contact me when I was awaiting him to come home, and truthfully I used them to my advantage. They were the perfect opportunity for me to illustrate to him how his actions affect me and that he needs to make some changes too. With that said, my anniversary present was very sweet and the thought that went into it really showed me that he is trying to make an effort and he finally realizes that HE needs to begin to change. My birthday came with 3 celebrations. First a romantic dinner in AC at our favorite Cuban restaurant, then another romantic dinner in Lil’ Italy where we got engaged, then a night out with friends, and on the actual day a quiet evening at home with dinner and a funny movie.
For years we have considered having Thanksgiving at our house, but there was always a reason not to. Finally this year we decided to do it. 14 people in our lil’ house, but everyone had a great time – and those are HIS words!
These past few days, as I have re-cooperated from the holiday and put the house back in order, I have been left to my inner thoughts and yet again begun to contemplate life. After watching certain family members interact, I feel like I have a new insight on them – including my husband. I learned that his brother was the catalyst for my mother-in-law to come to dinner. We have been here for 3 years, and she has yet to visit. I began to think about how this seemingly lack of desire to see her son’s home could affect him. I then thought about how my family was excited to come over and once here took over my kitchen! I always knew that I had a strong, supportive family – even though some have the impression that we are not because of all the dissention amongst some of us. But to see the 2 families react in different ways helped me to realize how blessed I am. My family always manages to do the right thing when the time comes. They seem to gather strength through me. Now I see how I can do the same for his family and I thank my brother-in-law for that. My husband always told me that I was to be leader of this family, and now I see that I am slowly rising to the rank of family matriarch. It is an honor that I take pride in but it is also a scary responsibility to take on.
I have also been thinking about where my life is and where it is going. My husband has been questioning his lot in life. How he is not doing the things he thought he would be at this time, where is his life headed, where does he want it to go. And again I feel that I must be his strength. I have been so focused on changing my career and trying to find fulfillment in teaching, when maybe all along the answer to my fulfillment was right here in my home and ultimately my family. Maybe I will only find fulfillment in leading my family towards loving one another through my love for them. He is a part of my family, and for all the effort I put forth for my family I need to put a little more towards him. Just as the others look to me for love and support, he needs just as much and after all isn’t that part of what the covenant of marriage is – to love and support each other?
I love being there for my aunt, uncles, cousins, mom, grandfather, sister, and friends (especially those that are more like family). I should find the same love in being there for him and his family. So now I must turn my efforts towards my new found reason in life, my family – my entire, extended family.
So it is with God’s grace that I go forward on this new path. I thank Him for opening my eyes and pray that He guide me through this new journey.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Friday, October 05, 2007
Healing & Jealousy
This summer has proven to one of the most emotionally difficult ones for me. I’ve been through a lot in my life but I cannot remember experiencing pain like I recently have. Let me start by saying that things are getting better, but there are still issues that need to be worked on and trust needs to be reestablished.
I never thought for one minute that he would question my feelings for him. I never thought that once we were married there would be the possibility of an affair. Although he denies it time and time again, I still can’t help but wonder. I don’t know if it’s out of hope or denial but I don’t feel that he has crossed any physical lines, but I do feel he has crossed an emotional line. From going to a country concert, to driving her to the hospital at 1AM, to the over 800 minutes of cell phone calls, and over 400 text messages each month, the secretive phone calls, never leaving his phone alone, always having the phone on vibrate, difference in attitude after hanging out with certain people, the avoidance of coming home, and attempts to put his feelings on me to possibly alleviate his conscious, my friends wonder how I am surviving and still believing. I guess its out of blind faith and love.
He now believes that I love him, as he thought at the beginning of the summer I did not. He is now starting to regain faith in us, but has left me devastated to know that he lost faith to begin with. He is starting to tell me he loves me again, and I wait on baited breath to here it and then question its sincerity when I do. He wants more communication, but he has a habit of cutting me or not listening when I try. His perception of events is warped. From not remembering conversations about going off the pill, to no recollection of asking him to look into finding a dance class for us, to not remembering that I said hello to him, and not listening when we do talk, I am at a loss on how to revive his memory and help him be in the moment when he needs to be.
I feel like all the efforts to repair this relationship have not only been placed on my shoulders, but also have only been put forth by me. I would like to see a little more coming from him. Wouldn’t it be nice if he surprised me with wanting to go away for a romantic weekend? Or finding an activity for us to share in? Or telling me he loves me without me saying it first? Or ending his “friendship” with this girl? I am curious to see what our anniversary will bring in a few weeks and then my birthday and Christmas. I don’t need pretty jewelry or an expensive dinner, just a little something to let me know I still hold a special place in his heart.
During one of our conversations he asked me that if we got divorced would I hate him. I told him I would never speak to him again. He then wanted to know why? Ok, you can take that look of astonishment off your face now; as it took me a moment to digest a question that I felt was absurd. I told him that I do not allow those who have caused me such pain to remain in my life and that he should know this from all those who have come and gone in my life since he has known me. Since a divorce would cause my heart to break, I could never allow him back into my life as all it would do, would be to remind me of the heartbreak and pain me to see or speak to him again. He then asked if I would feel like I did not do enough to help make this marriage work. Ok, again I was taken aback. I told him that I would have no such regrets because I know that I have done everything I could and that if he decided to walk out it would be his decision because the problem would lie within him and there is nothing I can do to change him as that is something one must do on their own. I mean, we can always help one another to change, but both parties have to be willing to accept the help and then implement the change into their lives. I know I have changed. The question still lies, has he changed?
So I there are still feelings of jealousy towards this girl. And there may come a time for me to ask him to end this friendship, for that may be the only thing that will make me feel more confident in our relationship. There has been a mutual friend of ours that tried to tempt me to leave him by being there for me emotionally and telling me all the things I wanted to hear. Then he crossed the line when we were engaged and I was faced with making a decision about whether or not he was to remain in my life. After much discussion with my now husband, and realizing that maintaining such a friendship would put a strain on our relationship – both emotionally for him as he would never be able to trust this person again, and for me never knowing what his true intentions were – I ended the friendship. If I was able to do that for him, and for us, would it be so far fetched or outrageous of me to ask the same of him in our current situation?
As time goes on I will ultimately make a decision. I just pray that it will be the right one for me, him, and our marriage.
I never thought for one minute that he would question my feelings for him. I never thought that once we were married there would be the possibility of an affair. Although he denies it time and time again, I still can’t help but wonder. I don’t know if it’s out of hope or denial but I don’t feel that he has crossed any physical lines, but I do feel he has crossed an emotional line. From going to a country concert, to driving her to the hospital at 1AM, to the over 800 minutes of cell phone calls, and over 400 text messages each month, the secretive phone calls, never leaving his phone alone, always having the phone on vibrate, difference in attitude after hanging out with certain people, the avoidance of coming home, and attempts to put his feelings on me to possibly alleviate his conscious, my friends wonder how I am surviving and still believing. I guess its out of blind faith and love.
He now believes that I love him, as he thought at the beginning of the summer I did not. He is now starting to regain faith in us, but has left me devastated to know that he lost faith to begin with. He is starting to tell me he loves me again, and I wait on baited breath to here it and then question its sincerity when I do. He wants more communication, but he has a habit of cutting me or not listening when I try. His perception of events is warped. From not remembering conversations about going off the pill, to no recollection of asking him to look into finding a dance class for us, to not remembering that I said hello to him, and not listening when we do talk, I am at a loss on how to revive his memory and help him be in the moment when he needs to be.
I feel like all the efforts to repair this relationship have not only been placed on my shoulders, but also have only been put forth by me. I would like to see a little more coming from him. Wouldn’t it be nice if he surprised me with wanting to go away for a romantic weekend? Or finding an activity for us to share in? Or telling me he loves me without me saying it first? Or ending his “friendship” with this girl? I am curious to see what our anniversary will bring in a few weeks and then my birthday and Christmas. I don’t need pretty jewelry or an expensive dinner, just a little something to let me know I still hold a special place in his heart.
During one of our conversations he asked me that if we got divorced would I hate him. I told him I would never speak to him again. He then wanted to know why? Ok, you can take that look of astonishment off your face now; as it took me a moment to digest a question that I felt was absurd. I told him that I do not allow those who have caused me such pain to remain in my life and that he should know this from all those who have come and gone in my life since he has known me. Since a divorce would cause my heart to break, I could never allow him back into my life as all it would do, would be to remind me of the heartbreak and pain me to see or speak to him again. He then asked if I would feel like I did not do enough to help make this marriage work. Ok, again I was taken aback. I told him that I would have no such regrets because I know that I have done everything I could and that if he decided to walk out it would be his decision because the problem would lie within him and there is nothing I can do to change him as that is something one must do on their own. I mean, we can always help one another to change, but both parties have to be willing to accept the help and then implement the change into their lives. I know I have changed. The question still lies, has he changed?
So I there are still feelings of jealousy towards this girl. And there may come a time for me to ask him to end this friendship, for that may be the only thing that will make me feel more confident in our relationship. There has been a mutual friend of ours that tried to tempt me to leave him by being there for me emotionally and telling me all the things I wanted to hear. Then he crossed the line when we were engaged and I was faced with making a decision about whether or not he was to remain in my life. After much discussion with my now husband, and realizing that maintaining such a friendship would put a strain on our relationship – both emotionally for him as he would never be able to trust this person again, and for me never knowing what his true intentions were – I ended the friendship. If I was able to do that for him, and for us, would it be so far fetched or outrageous of me to ask the same of him in our current situation?
As time goes on I will ultimately make a decision. I just pray that it will be the right one for me, him, and our marriage.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Wilderness of Pain
Lost in a Wilderness of Pain and all the children are insane.
I am lost in this pain
I am a child who is insane
Why isn’t there some magical remedy to make this all go away?
This weekend I realized that I ignored him everywhere we went. But why is the big question? Am I afraid of what he’ll say? Afraid that the next conversation we have will only continue to break my heart? Another problem? Another issue? Another fault? More pain added to what I am already feeling? Questions abound but I cannot seem to find the answers no matter where I look.
So now I question – was he right to question my love for him? I thought I loved him, but do I really? If I loved him would I be acting so cold? But then again if he loved me would he be focusing on the negatives as much as he has been? How do I begin to love him the way I did when we first met? Then again do I question his love for me? It feels as if he is putting the salvation of this relationship completely on my shoulders. If he loved me how could he do that? When does he take responsibility for his actions that have contributed to us being in this place? Does he have to go out all night? Does he have to not answer my calls? Why does he not say “I Love You” when we say goodbye?
How the hell did we get here? And more importantly how the hell do we get back to where we were? We were the seemingly happy couple. Getting through our trials and tribulations – or so myself and everyone around us thought. Now we are in the throws of… of…. Pain and anguish, torture and emptiness, loneliness and isolation. So I cry tears that go unseen. I’m building a fortress out of my pain. And my heart continues to break as I continue to crumble behind these wall of tears.
I am lost in this pain
I am a child who is insane
Why isn’t there some magical remedy to make this all go away?
This weekend I realized that I ignored him everywhere we went. But why is the big question? Am I afraid of what he’ll say? Afraid that the next conversation we have will only continue to break my heart? Another problem? Another issue? Another fault? More pain added to what I am already feeling? Questions abound but I cannot seem to find the answers no matter where I look.
So now I question – was he right to question my love for him? I thought I loved him, but do I really? If I loved him would I be acting so cold? But then again if he loved me would he be focusing on the negatives as much as he has been? How do I begin to love him the way I did when we first met? Then again do I question his love for me? It feels as if he is putting the salvation of this relationship completely on my shoulders. If he loved me how could he do that? When does he take responsibility for his actions that have contributed to us being in this place? Does he have to go out all night? Does he have to not answer my calls? Why does he not say “I Love You” when we say goodbye?
How the hell did we get here? And more importantly how the hell do we get back to where we were? We were the seemingly happy couple. Getting through our trials and tribulations – or so myself and everyone around us thought. Now we are in the throws of… of…. Pain and anguish, torture and emptiness, loneliness and isolation. So I cry tears that go unseen. I’m building a fortress out of my pain. And my heart continues to break as I continue to crumble behind these wall of tears.
Friday, August 10, 2007
To Touch a Setting Sun
So once again doubt is rearing its ugly face and breaking my heart. I am going through the motions of being understanding and supportive and positive – yet inside I’m screaming.
Why all these questions? Why all the doubt? After all this time NOW it surfaces. As I am crumbling inside I want to take all this doubt and shove it down his throat. And then possibly kick the shit out of him, slash his tires, break his cell phone, and other destructive things. Ahh, but the good in me will always win out, and I will never pursue any of those secret desires because I know that they will achieve nothing. So instead, as I am confronted with the questions, I crumble inside and build walls around my heart.
What would I do? Haven’t I ever wondered? Wouldn’t I be happier? What if I can’t give what is needed? All these questions are posed, yet am I the right audience? Maybe he should look in a mirror and ask himself some of these questions. Maybe he should smash the mirror to get rid of the ugliness that has taken over his soul. Does he have a clue as to how this is affecting me? A part of me thinks that my feelings are not even a factor in this. As I’ve mentioned before it is difficult for me to vocalize my emotions, but I have been making a concerted effort to overcome this shortcoming. Yet conversations like the other night leave me feeling like my efforts are all for naught and that it is a waste of energy. When attempting to express myself, to put into words how his actions/words make me feel I am told that he doesn’t want to hear these things. The conversation quickly turns to a negative action that happened rather than looking at the positive outcome that transpired because of my efforts. Always focusing on the negative, and the positive is lost in what I see as selfishness.
How can one express their feelings when the other party is not open to hearing them? He is consumed by his emotions. He is holding himself flawless and sees how only I can make the difference. At least that is how I feel at times. But I still try to remain positive. I put up a front that I still have fight and a desire to work at this. Yet each day, each question, each sad look in his eyes, leaves me with nothing but pain as I try to touch a setting sun.
I’m lost. I am feeling emotionally battered and beaten. This constant questioning over the past 4 months is leaving me drained and depressed. I am feeling less sociable, less chipper, removed, unhappy, and …. And …. Losing my strength to fight, I am close to just giving in to whatever maybe. No teaching job – yet no desire to pursue one, and I mean really pound the pavement. Not registered for classes – again no desire to attempt to. A failing relationship – okay so I finally admit it, it’s falling apart and so am I.
Why all these questions? Why all the doubt? After all this time NOW it surfaces. As I am crumbling inside I want to take all this doubt and shove it down his throat. And then possibly kick the shit out of him, slash his tires, break his cell phone, and other destructive things. Ahh, but the good in me will always win out, and I will never pursue any of those secret desires because I know that they will achieve nothing. So instead, as I am confronted with the questions, I crumble inside and build walls around my heart.
What would I do? Haven’t I ever wondered? Wouldn’t I be happier? What if I can’t give what is needed? All these questions are posed, yet am I the right audience? Maybe he should look in a mirror and ask himself some of these questions. Maybe he should smash the mirror to get rid of the ugliness that has taken over his soul. Does he have a clue as to how this is affecting me? A part of me thinks that my feelings are not even a factor in this. As I’ve mentioned before it is difficult for me to vocalize my emotions, but I have been making a concerted effort to overcome this shortcoming. Yet conversations like the other night leave me feeling like my efforts are all for naught and that it is a waste of energy. When attempting to express myself, to put into words how his actions/words make me feel I am told that he doesn’t want to hear these things. The conversation quickly turns to a negative action that happened rather than looking at the positive outcome that transpired because of my efforts. Always focusing on the negative, and the positive is lost in what I see as selfishness.
How can one express their feelings when the other party is not open to hearing them? He is consumed by his emotions. He is holding himself flawless and sees how only I can make the difference. At least that is how I feel at times. But I still try to remain positive. I put up a front that I still have fight and a desire to work at this. Yet each day, each question, each sad look in his eyes, leaves me with nothing but pain as I try to touch a setting sun.
I’m lost. I am feeling emotionally battered and beaten. This constant questioning over the past 4 months is leaving me drained and depressed. I am feeling less sociable, less chipper, removed, unhappy, and …. And …. Losing my strength to fight, I am close to just giving in to whatever maybe. No teaching job – yet no desire to pursue one, and I mean really pound the pavement. Not registered for classes – again no desire to attempt to. A failing relationship – okay so I finally admit it, it’s falling apart and so am I.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Emotional Storm
Every few years or so I find myself lost, fumbling through the everyday, swallowing the melancholy and misery, and eventually I break out of it. There have been many catalysts that have left me lost – some tragedy or loved one’s death – but not this time. This time, another’s doubt and lack of faith have led me to this place.
I’m trying – Lord knows I’m trying – but this has to be one of the more difficult things I’ve had to do in my life. But I feel like every moment is a test – a test of my love, my faith, my intentions, my marriage, my life. Dramatic? Maybe a little. But I’m overwhelmed with these feelings.
This is all compounded by an interruption in my “master plan for my life”. I’m a damn Scorpio, we are planners because planning allows us a sense of control. We create a plan and then a plan B and plan C, as many alternate plans to accommodate for as many “what-ifs” we can think of. So my plan was to have finish school, get through my sister’s wedding, relax, have a teaching job by the end of June, get our finances back on track, and then contemplate having children. Well things didn’t quite happen that way. I did get through school and my sister’s wedding, and our finances are back on track. However, I do not have a teaching job – just the prospect of remaining here in hell for the benefits of understanding and freedom, never relaxed – instead dealt with another’s doubt, lack of faith, and my heart breaking, and never had a chance to contemplate children – partially due to the other person’s issues, lack of employment, and this new medical issue that I am awaiting more tests which will determine whether or not having children has been predetermined for me. Add to this an influx of hormones this month, lack of sleep, and working 10-12 hours a day, I think I officially broke down last night. It wasn’t necessarily the first break down this summer, but it was an uncontrollable, irrational, melt down.
The late nights, the seemingly secret cell phone calls and texts, the questions upon questions upon questions, the test of my patience and faith, and slowly the insanity is setting in.
I remain cool, calm, and collected on the exterior yet a storm is brewing inside. My heart is broken, my mind melting, and my emotions running like a freight train through my soul. Each day it becomes more difficult for me to keep it together. Last night I was kindly told to collect myself or pull myself together, but I just couldn’t – well temporarily I could, but that was it. I’m hurt, angry, frustrated, betrayed, beaten, broken, and bruised. I’ve had no time to lick my wounds and every time I think I begin to heal the scab just gets ripped off and salt pours in. My knuckles whiten as I hold on with a grip of fear and pain – but what am I holding on to? My sanity? My marriage? My life? My faith? It feels like a little bit of everything and little bit of nothing.
But I have found one answer amongst all of this. If everything fails – and I do mean everything, I know what I will choose to do. It will bring me far away from everything I have cultivated here, but closer to true and unconditional love. But this thought will remain in my back pocket and if it is meant to be it will be. Till then I must ride out this storm of emotional torment and confusion with the knowledge that one day I will wash ashore – battered, bruised, but well enough to heal.
I’m trying – Lord knows I’m trying – but this has to be one of the more difficult things I’ve had to do in my life. But I feel like every moment is a test – a test of my love, my faith, my intentions, my marriage, my life. Dramatic? Maybe a little. But I’m overwhelmed with these feelings.
This is all compounded by an interruption in my “master plan for my life”. I’m a damn Scorpio, we are planners because planning allows us a sense of control. We create a plan and then a plan B and plan C, as many alternate plans to accommodate for as many “what-ifs” we can think of. So my plan was to have finish school, get through my sister’s wedding, relax, have a teaching job by the end of June, get our finances back on track, and then contemplate having children. Well things didn’t quite happen that way. I did get through school and my sister’s wedding, and our finances are back on track. However, I do not have a teaching job – just the prospect of remaining here in hell for the benefits of understanding and freedom, never relaxed – instead dealt with another’s doubt, lack of faith, and my heart breaking, and never had a chance to contemplate children – partially due to the other person’s issues, lack of employment, and this new medical issue that I am awaiting more tests which will determine whether or not having children has been predetermined for me. Add to this an influx of hormones this month, lack of sleep, and working 10-12 hours a day, I think I officially broke down last night. It wasn’t necessarily the first break down this summer, but it was an uncontrollable, irrational, melt down.
The late nights, the seemingly secret cell phone calls and texts, the questions upon questions upon questions, the test of my patience and faith, and slowly the insanity is setting in.
I remain cool, calm, and collected on the exterior yet a storm is brewing inside. My heart is broken, my mind melting, and my emotions running like a freight train through my soul. Each day it becomes more difficult for me to keep it together. Last night I was kindly told to collect myself or pull myself together, but I just couldn’t – well temporarily I could, but that was it. I’m hurt, angry, frustrated, betrayed, beaten, broken, and bruised. I’ve had no time to lick my wounds and every time I think I begin to heal the scab just gets ripped off and salt pours in. My knuckles whiten as I hold on with a grip of fear and pain – but what am I holding on to? My sanity? My marriage? My life? My faith? It feels like a little bit of everything and little bit of nothing.
But I have found one answer amongst all of this. If everything fails – and I do mean everything, I know what I will choose to do. It will bring me far away from everything I have cultivated here, but closer to true and unconditional love. But this thought will remain in my back pocket and if it is meant to be it will be. Till then I must ride out this storm of emotional torment and confusion with the knowledge that one day I will wash ashore – battered, bruised, but well enough to heal.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Each Day
(I wrote this a few days ago, but didn't have a chance to post it till today)
With each day,
my heart breaks a little more.
Tears of pain and anguish,
happiness torn apart with words.
Love's hope fading
as the sunsets
on a horizon of broken dreams.
Barren trees embrace me
in the darkness of faith lost
singing in silence.
Awaiting,
awaiting,
awaiting the end of suffering.
With each day,
my heart breaks a little more.
Tears of pain and anguish,
happiness torn apart with words.
Love's hope fading
as the sunsets
on a horizon of broken dreams.
Barren trees embrace me
in the darkness of faith lost
singing in silence.
Awaiting,
awaiting,
awaiting the end of suffering.
Monday, July 02, 2007
The Talent of Girlfriends
Women are funny creatures. I’ve noticed through my own experiences and observations of others, that when a woman feels a strong sense of loyalty and love towards another woman any person that causes harm to that person faces the wrath and disdain from the female friend.
It is your female friends that you can count on to remember the one God awful thing that your boyfriend did that hurt your feelings. Now you may be married to that man, but your female friends won’t ever forget that one thing he did. You and he have probably moved past it, more than likely forgave each and forgotten about it – but she hasn’t. Oh, don’t let her fool you either, she may never mention it to (more than likely because you’ve asked her to let it go or because she sees you have moved passed it), she won’t even bring it up in casual conversation, nor as a joke, or a “remember when”. She will keep it in the back of her mind, and every time you turn to her for guidance on the next stupid thing that man does her brain will retrieve this story and file the new stupid thing along with it. Then, if and when, you and the man break it off she will remind you of all the awful terrible things that happened throughout your relationship. When she reminds of all this, you may be baffled that she remembered things you didn’t.
With this in mind, I’ve begun to think about how people wind up in bad relationships – be it emotionally or physically abusive or just something that leaves the woman feeling empty and unfulfilled. If a woman begins to recognize this talent of remembering in a friend of hers, she may begin to keep things to herself. Whether the situation is life threatening or not, she will hide her feelings about last night’s argument or her fear that he is cheating or her feelings of emptiness. She will do this for a few reasons. She may be hopeful that it is just a phase and things will get better. She may even think that she is being illogical or overly suspicious. Whatever her reason, she ultimately doesn’t want her girlfriends to look poorly on her man – right or wrong.
Now this does seem to create another interesting situation. Women have a need to vent. If you piss a woman off I can just about guarantee that she will turn to someone in her life and curse you out. Every terrible thing that she ever thought about you will come spewing out of her mouth. Mind you, she is just angry and venting. However, if she vents to a girlfriend the girlfriend will file it away and remember it for an eternity.
This talent is good and bad. It’s helpful when we need to avoid getting involved in a bad situation or relationship. It’s not-so-good when we just need to vent about someone’s temporary idiotocy.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. From my sister’s wedding, to the church group, to my friends’ recent break-ups/divorces, as well as my recent blogs I have witnessed and partook of this talent. I feel guilty for harboring some of these thoughts and mildly concerned that I’m tainting my girlfriends’ point of view on some people. I am trying to view my friends’ venting session for what they are and attempt to retract my previous judgments – whether they were vocalized or not. I also want to make sure that it is understood that this blog is place for me to vent or air out my thoughts.
When I was younger I used to keep a journal and it really helped me to work through some of the overwhelming emotions I was feeling at the time. I am an emotional creature. Often I am overcome by what is happening in my life and I figure out what I’m feeling or why. In times of reminiscing I have found myself looking through these old journals and recognizing the progression of my emotional development. The only difference with my journals compared to this blog is that the journals were truly private, no one could read them unless I allowed them – or they snuck into my room. Here my thoughts are for whoever is passing by. So I now add this disclaimer – this blog is intended to allow me a place to vent, think things through, and share some love and light for those who pass by. Read it for what its worth and don’t allow that lovely talent of remembering everything cloud your judgment.
It is your female friends that you can count on to remember the one God awful thing that your boyfriend did that hurt your feelings. Now you may be married to that man, but your female friends won’t ever forget that one thing he did. You and he have probably moved past it, more than likely forgave each and forgotten about it – but she hasn’t. Oh, don’t let her fool you either, she may never mention it to (more than likely because you’ve asked her to let it go or because she sees you have moved passed it), she won’t even bring it up in casual conversation, nor as a joke, or a “remember when”. She will keep it in the back of her mind, and every time you turn to her for guidance on the next stupid thing that man does her brain will retrieve this story and file the new stupid thing along with it. Then, if and when, you and the man break it off she will remind you of all the awful terrible things that happened throughout your relationship. When she reminds of all this, you may be baffled that she remembered things you didn’t.
With this in mind, I’ve begun to think about how people wind up in bad relationships – be it emotionally or physically abusive or just something that leaves the woman feeling empty and unfulfilled. If a woman begins to recognize this talent of remembering in a friend of hers, she may begin to keep things to herself. Whether the situation is life threatening or not, she will hide her feelings about last night’s argument or her fear that he is cheating or her feelings of emptiness. She will do this for a few reasons. She may be hopeful that it is just a phase and things will get better. She may even think that she is being illogical or overly suspicious. Whatever her reason, she ultimately doesn’t want her girlfriends to look poorly on her man – right or wrong.
Now this does seem to create another interesting situation. Women have a need to vent. If you piss a woman off I can just about guarantee that she will turn to someone in her life and curse you out. Every terrible thing that she ever thought about you will come spewing out of her mouth. Mind you, she is just angry and venting. However, if she vents to a girlfriend the girlfriend will file it away and remember it for an eternity.
This talent is good and bad. It’s helpful when we need to avoid getting involved in a bad situation or relationship. It’s not-so-good when we just need to vent about someone’s temporary idiotocy.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. From my sister’s wedding, to the church group, to my friends’ recent break-ups/divorces, as well as my recent blogs I have witnessed and partook of this talent. I feel guilty for harboring some of these thoughts and mildly concerned that I’m tainting my girlfriends’ point of view on some people. I am trying to view my friends’ venting session for what they are and attempt to retract my previous judgments – whether they were vocalized or not. I also want to make sure that it is understood that this blog is place for me to vent or air out my thoughts.
When I was younger I used to keep a journal and it really helped me to work through some of the overwhelming emotions I was feeling at the time. I am an emotional creature. Often I am overcome by what is happening in my life and I figure out what I’m feeling or why. In times of reminiscing I have found myself looking through these old journals and recognizing the progression of my emotional development. The only difference with my journals compared to this blog is that the journals were truly private, no one could read them unless I allowed them – or they snuck into my room. Here my thoughts are for whoever is passing by. So I now add this disclaimer – this blog is intended to allow me a place to vent, think things through, and share some love and light for those who pass by. Read it for what its worth and don’t allow that lovely talent of remembering everything cloud your judgment.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Simplicity in a Turkey's Life
Every morning on my way to and from work I am guaranteed to see this one sole wild turkey milling around people’s houses near a busy intersection by an elementary school – mind you this is the middle of an upper class suburban area. Most of these people have probably never seen a real live turkey, nevertheless have one as a resident.
I find this turkey to be hysterical. This poor guy has somehow wandered into this neighborhood and made it his home. How odd. I mean I thought turkeys liked to live with other turkeys, but not this guy. Sometimes he looks like someone’s lawn decoration because he is standing so perfectly still. Granted, this would be an odd lawn decoration. Pink Flamingos are strange and tacky enough, but who in their right mind would want a Lawn Turkey? Other times he is wandering around from house to house, corner to corner seemingly oblivious to the traffic light and cars around him. Cars honk, and he doesn’t even flinch. He just carries on with his business.
About a week ago I saw him laying on his side. I thought he was in trouble because it looked like he was struggling to get up. So what do I do? I call the local animal control and ask for them to make sure he was okay. Apparently he was preening himself and perfectly fine.
It’s not like I’ve never seen a live turkey. On my college campus there is a whole family of them. I even saw the head male turkey with his feathers all puffed out trying to attract the 7 or 8 females that were running around like crazy. They were fighting over who got to be closest to him, which made him hold his head higher. Yes, I’m a little special when it comes to wildlife. And yes, I sat there and watched this mating ritual for near a half an hour.
I’ve also been close up with several black bear, deer, raccoons, skunks, birds, and many others kinds of wildlife. But for some reason this turkey has managed to endear himself to my heart with his daily routine. Each time I see him, I smile, even giggle. As I’m writing this I can see him in mind’s eye walking with his head bobbing back and forth and knobby long legs carrying that large round body of his.
My little turkey friend loves his solitary life. He is perfectly happy with no one bothering him, sunbathing on the lawn, standing on the corner as if he is awaiting the crosswalk sign to change, and well just being a turkey. Maybe my adoration for him is his daily reminder to me about simplicity - To live life enjoying the moment, without a care, perfectly content with your surroundings, and just being. Maybe it is in this simplicity that I can see God smiling down on us, and trying to let us know that life can be this simple if we would only allow it to be.
I find this turkey to be hysterical. This poor guy has somehow wandered into this neighborhood and made it his home. How odd. I mean I thought turkeys liked to live with other turkeys, but not this guy. Sometimes he looks like someone’s lawn decoration because he is standing so perfectly still. Granted, this would be an odd lawn decoration. Pink Flamingos are strange and tacky enough, but who in their right mind would want a Lawn Turkey? Other times he is wandering around from house to house, corner to corner seemingly oblivious to the traffic light and cars around him. Cars honk, and he doesn’t even flinch. He just carries on with his business.
About a week ago I saw him laying on his side. I thought he was in trouble because it looked like he was struggling to get up. So what do I do? I call the local animal control and ask for them to make sure he was okay. Apparently he was preening himself and perfectly fine.
It’s not like I’ve never seen a live turkey. On my college campus there is a whole family of them. I even saw the head male turkey with his feathers all puffed out trying to attract the 7 or 8 females that were running around like crazy. They were fighting over who got to be closest to him, which made him hold his head higher. Yes, I’m a little special when it comes to wildlife. And yes, I sat there and watched this mating ritual for near a half an hour.
I’ve also been close up with several black bear, deer, raccoons, skunks, birds, and many others kinds of wildlife. But for some reason this turkey has managed to endear himself to my heart with his daily routine. Each time I see him, I smile, even giggle. As I’m writing this I can see him in mind’s eye walking with his head bobbing back and forth and knobby long legs carrying that large round body of his.
My little turkey friend loves his solitary life. He is perfectly happy with no one bothering him, sunbathing on the lawn, standing on the corner as if he is awaiting the crosswalk sign to change, and well just being a turkey. Maybe my adoration for him is his daily reminder to me about simplicity - To live life enjoying the moment, without a care, perfectly content with your surroundings, and just being. Maybe it is in this simplicity that I can see God smiling down on us, and trying to let us know that life can be this simple if we would only allow it to be.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Disillusionment of a TomBoy and her friend
There is this cable show called “My Boys” about a female sports writer who shares many the same interests as men and therefore has more male friends than females. I don’t think the show itself it great, but it is definitely a concept I can relate to.
I love sports and music. I like beer. I do not obsess about my nails, hair, waxing, weight, make-up, etc. I am more than happy waking up, taking a shower, throwing on jeans and a t-shirt and walking out the door with a wet head and no make-up or hair products. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an ugly fat hag either. I think I look like the girl next door with few extra pounds, but still a size 8. Okay, I digress.
My whole life I have had more male than female friends. I find men more open with their feelings – they like you or they don’t. I find it easier to be honest with men than women. You can tell a man that he’s being a jerk or a pig and he’s cool with it as long as you don’t harp on it. You tell a woman that and you must obviously hate her and have put yourself on her shit list. Granted – I am generalizing. I have female friends that, for the most part, don’t fit these generalizations as there are some men who stray from this as well.
I also find that I like a man’s emotional strength. I think it’s inspiring and moving. Maybe my Italian background has laid the foundation for my admiration of silent suffering, but a weak male is not attractive. Maybe it’s a primitive natural instinct to be attracted to a strong male as he is more likely to survive and therefore provide for his family, whereas the weak male is prone to struggle. So where am I going with all this male-female differences and such…… I have recently been bothered the actions and words of a close male friend of mine.
Over the years, many friends have come and gone in my life – for various reasons, good and bad. Those that have stayed close to me have been able to deal with my insanity, frankness, wild yet conservative, open yet reserved strong personality. And, well, they also haven’t pissed me off or betrayed me to a point where we couldn’t forgive and move on. Like I’ve said in previous blogs – I am not perfect! Nor do I expect those in my life to be perfect. My close friends and family, in my humble opinion, have their own personal strength which I admire and draw on from time to time.
There is this one close male friend “R”, whom I have known for years, that has recently begun to question my sincerity in our relationship. I have made an attempt to rectify some of my behaviors that have left “R” feeling neglected. Just when I began to think that things were reverting back to normal I’m confronted with R’s insecurities again. This time I realized that my disgust of his feelings is because I am seeing – for the first time – weakness and a lack of self confidence. R and I have formed a close tight bond over the years because we have provided each other with strength and inspiration to get through life’s difficulties. R has always been, as I have seen it, a strong man until recently.
There are many things going on in his life that would be overwhelming for anyone. He and his wife are struggling with their finances, he was just notified that there will be a change in his position within the next few months with a possibility of being let go due to downsizing, and he has a great desire to start a family but it has proven to be a bit of a struggle. But I have been taken aback by his faltering self confidence. R was always one to believe he could do anything. He had this rough tough city attitude of survival – he had set goals and was bound and determined to achieve them. At times a little support and nudging along the way were needed, but then again who doesn’t need that every so often. To see this strength fade bothers me more than I would have expected.
I am seeing R as a weak individual and I want to walk away. This is not in my nature. I usually am the one people come to in times of need and can be extremely supportive. I don’t understand why I am feeling this way with R. Well, I guess that’s not true. To the best of my ability I can identify the cause for this feeling as being disillusioned with his neediness.
The other thing that is bothering me with R is his marriage. His wife is a good person and I truly have no complaints about her. However he shared with me that they were not spending much time together due to both of their schedules and that after discussing this with her they agreed to try to spend more time with each other. He also shared with her that earlier in the year he was questioning their relationship and went out to dinner with another married woman. R claims nothing happened, and I have no reason to not believe him. But then he tells me these next few tidbits, and truthfully I can’t get them out of my head.
First, he tells me that his wife had plans to go out for a celebratory dinner with friends. These plans had been made months ago, and he was to join them. When the evening arrived he was exhausted and discovered there was a high probability that he would be the only guy there. So R and his wife agreed that he should stay home and rest. As it turned out, all the other men that were invited to this dinner cancelled and R would have been the only guy there. This made his wife feel better that they made this decision. As the night came to a close she drove home, not thinking to try and call him because he was hopefully resting. She walked into an empty house.
R had left no note – no message on the answering machine – no message on her cell phone – NOTHING. When she attempted to call his cell phone it went directly into voice mail. She left him a message to call her, which he did about 2 hours later.
R claims that a female friend of his had an emergency with water overflowing in her bathroom and no one else was able to help her. So R drove a half an hour to help her shut off the water and diagnose the problem to the best of his ability. When I questioned him as to why he had not left his wife a note as to where he was, R simply said that it all went down so fast and he had many phone calls to make along the way he was not able to call her. I asked him why his phone wasn’t on – because as many of know when it goes straight to voice mail this usually indicates that the phone is off. R claimed that the battery was low. (Yet, he has a car charger – hmmm????)
Now his wife, God Bless Her, asked the same questions. She calmly expressed her disappointment in his inability to leave her SOME kind of notification as to where he went and/or why. Bringing up the fact that if she had done this to him, R would have been irate he agreed and apologized. She also mentioned that this is not the first time he has done this. Several months ago a similar situation happened. R says that his mom had a friend whose car had broken down on the highway near his home and no one else could get to her in the pouring rain so his mom asked R to go help this girl. He got dressed and raced out the door, again leaving no note, no phone call, no nothing. His wife arrived home to see all the lights on, the TV on, yet no sign of her husband. She tried to call him, but he wasn’t answering his phone. She noticed the last 2 numbers on the caller ID and called them. One was to his friend, whom he had gotten off the phone with because his mom called. The next number was his mother’s. When the wife called his mom, she confirmed the story she would later hear from R. However, after going through this once, R failed to learn the lesson and repeats the same action. How is this supposed to help improve his marriage?
Then R tells me that one night he came home late, because one of the guys was unable to drive home and he offered to take him home – again about a half an hour away. He DID call his wife that night, so things were fine. Now he told me that he was going out with the same group of guys and that there was a high likeliness that he would have to drive this person home again. EXCEPT this time, he was thinking of staying over since he knew it was going to be a late night and because a friend of his that lives 10 minutes away from this person needed his dog walked the next day.
Doesn’t this all sound a bit fishy? If I was his wife, I would be feeing a bit mistrustful of all these stories and situations R keeps finding himself in. I might even start to wonder about where he actually is – who he is with – and what he is really doing. My heart is breaking for her. R wanted to try to fix a marriage he thought was in trouble, yet all I see him doing is causing more damage.
And this failure to improve on his flaws, this failure to see that his actions are not conducive with making his wife feel loved, and this decline in self confidence has led me to look at this long time friend through different eyes. I don’t like what I see. This is not the man that I once knew. But with patience that a friend like R has earned throughout our relationship, I will try to continue to be his friend and see him through this rough patch. I just hope that my view on him is not forever altered.
I love sports and music. I like beer. I do not obsess about my nails, hair, waxing, weight, make-up, etc. I am more than happy waking up, taking a shower, throwing on jeans and a t-shirt and walking out the door with a wet head and no make-up or hair products. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an ugly fat hag either. I think I look like the girl next door with few extra pounds, but still a size 8. Okay, I digress.
My whole life I have had more male than female friends. I find men more open with their feelings – they like you or they don’t. I find it easier to be honest with men than women. You can tell a man that he’s being a jerk or a pig and he’s cool with it as long as you don’t harp on it. You tell a woman that and you must obviously hate her and have put yourself on her shit list. Granted – I am generalizing. I have female friends that, for the most part, don’t fit these generalizations as there are some men who stray from this as well.
I also find that I like a man’s emotional strength. I think it’s inspiring and moving. Maybe my Italian background has laid the foundation for my admiration of silent suffering, but a weak male is not attractive. Maybe it’s a primitive natural instinct to be attracted to a strong male as he is more likely to survive and therefore provide for his family, whereas the weak male is prone to struggle. So where am I going with all this male-female differences and such…… I have recently been bothered the actions and words of a close male friend of mine.
Over the years, many friends have come and gone in my life – for various reasons, good and bad. Those that have stayed close to me have been able to deal with my insanity, frankness, wild yet conservative, open yet reserved strong personality. And, well, they also haven’t pissed me off or betrayed me to a point where we couldn’t forgive and move on. Like I’ve said in previous blogs – I am not perfect! Nor do I expect those in my life to be perfect. My close friends and family, in my humble opinion, have their own personal strength which I admire and draw on from time to time.
There is this one close male friend “R”, whom I have known for years, that has recently begun to question my sincerity in our relationship. I have made an attempt to rectify some of my behaviors that have left “R” feeling neglected. Just when I began to think that things were reverting back to normal I’m confronted with R’s insecurities again. This time I realized that my disgust of his feelings is because I am seeing – for the first time – weakness and a lack of self confidence. R and I have formed a close tight bond over the years because we have provided each other with strength and inspiration to get through life’s difficulties. R has always been, as I have seen it, a strong man until recently.
There are many things going on in his life that would be overwhelming for anyone. He and his wife are struggling with their finances, he was just notified that there will be a change in his position within the next few months with a possibility of being let go due to downsizing, and he has a great desire to start a family but it has proven to be a bit of a struggle. But I have been taken aback by his faltering self confidence. R was always one to believe he could do anything. He had this rough tough city attitude of survival – he had set goals and was bound and determined to achieve them. At times a little support and nudging along the way were needed, but then again who doesn’t need that every so often. To see this strength fade bothers me more than I would have expected.
I am seeing R as a weak individual and I want to walk away. This is not in my nature. I usually am the one people come to in times of need and can be extremely supportive. I don’t understand why I am feeling this way with R. Well, I guess that’s not true. To the best of my ability I can identify the cause for this feeling as being disillusioned with his neediness.
The other thing that is bothering me with R is his marriage. His wife is a good person and I truly have no complaints about her. However he shared with me that they were not spending much time together due to both of their schedules and that after discussing this with her they agreed to try to spend more time with each other. He also shared with her that earlier in the year he was questioning their relationship and went out to dinner with another married woman. R claims nothing happened, and I have no reason to not believe him. But then he tells me these next few tidbits, and truthfully I can’t get them out of my head.
First, he tells me that his wife had plans to go out for a celebratory dinner with friends. These plans had been made months ago, and he was to join them. When the evening arrived he was exhausted and discovered there was a high probability that he would be the only guy there. So R and his wife agreed that he should stay home and rest. As it turned out, all the other men that were invited to this dinner cancelled and R would have been the only guy there. This made his wife feel better that they made this decision. As the night came to a close she drove home, not thinking to try and call him because he was hopefully resting. She walked into an empty house.
R had left no note – no message on the answering machine – no message on her cell phone – NOTHING. When she attempted to call his cell phone it went directly into voice mail. She left him a message to call her, which he did about 2 hours later.
R claims that a female friend of his had an emergency with water overflowing in her bathroom and no one else was able to help her. So R drove a half an hour to help her shut off the water and diagnose the problem to the best of his ability. When I questioned him as to why he had not left his wife a note as to where he was, R simply said that it all went down so fast and he had many phone calls to make along the way he was not able to call her. I asked him why his phone wasn’t on – because as many of know when it goes straight to voice mail this usually indicates that the phone is off. R claimed that the battery was low. (Yet, he has a car charger – hmmm????)
Now his wife, God Bless Her, asked the same questions. She calmly expressed her disappointment in his inability to leave her SOME kind of notification as to where he went and/or why. Bringing up the fact that if she had done this to him, R would have been irate he agreed and apologized. She also mentioned that this is not the first time he has done this. Several months ago a similar situation happened. R says that his mom had a friend whose car had broken down on the highway near his home and no one else could get to her in the pouring rain so his mom asked R to go help this girl. He got dressed and raced out the door, again leaving no note, no phone call, no nothing. His wife arrived home to see all the lights on, the TV on, yet no sign of her husband. She tried to call him, but he wasn’t answering his phone. She noticed the last 2 numbers on the caller ID and called them. One was to his friend, whom he had gotten off the phone with because his mom called. The next number was his mother’s. When the wife called his mom, she confirmed the story she would later hear from R. However, after going through this once, R failed to learn the lesson and repeats the same action. How is this supposed to help improve his marriage?
Then R tells me that one night he came home late, because one of the guys was unable to drive home and he offered to take him home – again about a half an hour away. He DID call his wife that night, so things were fine. Now he told me that he was going out with the same group of guys and that there was a high likeliness that he would have to drive this person home again. EXCEPT this time, he was thinking of staying over since he knew it was going to be a late night and because a friend of his that lives 10 minutes away from this person needed his dog walked the next day.
Doesn’t this all sound a bit fishy? If I was his wife, I would be feeing a bit mistrustful of all these stories and situations R keeps finding himself in. I might even start to wonder about where he actually is – who he is with – and what he is really doing. My heart is breaking for her. R wanted to try to fix a marriage he thought was in trouble, yet all I see him doing is causing more damage.
And this failure to improve on his flaws, this failure to see that his actions are not conducive with making his wife feel loved, and this decline in self confidence has led me to look at this long time friend through different eyes. I don’t like what I see. This is not the man that I once knew. But with patience that a friend like R has earned throughout our relationship, I will try to continue to be his friend and see him through this rough patch. I just hope that my view on him is not forever altered.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Just Breathe
With each breath, I seek clarity. I seek answers to the questions that swirl through my mind like a tornado. Each breath is labored. Each breath is a reminder that I am at the mercy of my world. Each breath pains my heart, yet opens my mind. My senses are heightened yet dull. Emotions run to extremes – comfort and relaxed to uneasy and anxious. And then I find myself forgetting to breathe so the cycle begins again. A need for clarity, so a breath I force myself to take.
In a moment of comfort and relaxation I blurted out what should have been an inner-thought, “I feel weird.” The person with me asked me to explain what I meant, and I failed to find the words. I don’t know how to verbalize these feelings. They are so intense, yet fleeting. My friend wanted me to figure out what happened that made me feel “weird” in the hope that finding the source of the emotion would shed light on what to do with it. But the thing is there wasn’t just one event that has brought this on. It’s been a sequence of events in conjunction with the unknown.
Many years ago a part of my turned off a talent that was like an instinct. A talent that I have had for as long as I could remember. It was just a few weeks before September 11th, and I have yet to be able to redevelop it to the level it was at. I think a part of it is out of fear and another part is because it’s nice not having it interfere with everyday life. Lately, I have felt it returning and I don’t know if this “weird” feeling is part of it. I’m trying to differentiate if it’s personal confusion or the phoenix arising within.
So here I sit. Reminding myself to breath. Breathe for answers. Breathe for clarity. Breathe for change in my world. Breathe to keep my mind open. Breathe for anticipation of relief. Breathe for my life.
In a moment of comfort and relaxation I blurted out what should have been an inner-thought, “I feel weird.” The person with me asked me to explain what I meant, and I failed to find the words. I don’t know how to verbalize these feelings. They are so intense, yet fleeting. My friend wanted me to figure out what happened that made me feel “weird” in the hope that finding the source of the emotion would shed light on what to do with it. But the thing is there wasn’t just one event that has brought this on. It’s been a sequence of events in conjunction with the unknown.
Many years ago a part of my turned off a talent that was like an instinct. A talent that I have had for as long as I could remember. It was just a few weeks before September 11th, and I have yet to be able to redevelop it to the level it was at. I think a part of it is out of fear and another part is because it’s nice not having it interfere with everyday life. Lately, I have felt it returning and I don’t know if this “weird” feeling is part of it. I’m trying to differentiate if it’s personal confusion or the phoenix arising within.
So here I sit. Reminding myself to breath. Breathe for answers. Breathe for clarity. Breathe for change in my world. Breathe to keep my mind open. Breathe for anticipation of relief. Breathe for my life.
Monday, June 11, 2007
The Outside Looking In
It’s been a while. I guess I should play a quick game of catch-up before I go any further….
(1) Women’s Retreat – It was a great success. I found such strength and a new found look on my faith through each woman’s story. I was able to open up emotionally without the fear of being judged or having to defend my feelings. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do this, and it was a great feeling. The love letters I received from everyone were beautiful. I don’t mean this to sound conceded or anything – but even though I know I’m loved and I know that the things I do for others is appreciated, it’s always nice to hear. It’s rewarding to hear someone in their own words tell you about what kind of impact you have had on their life. It has been several months since the weekend and since I’ve seen all these wonderful, inspiring women in one place and I miss them greatly. To a certain extent I feel like I have ostrisized myself from them with the illusion of my “busy schedule”. Although I know that is not the case and that they would embrace me if I reached out, it is how I feel. Probably just a part of my emotional intelligence that has developed over the years, a fear of rejection, a fear of being viewed as a “user”, so I remain on the out skirts. And I guess this is what the theme of this blog will be.
(2) My Sister’s Wedding – The bridal shower was a great success, due mainly from the monetary generosity of the bride’s mother. Without whom it never would have happened. The bacholorette party was a success as well. A few issues as far as arriving in a timely fashion (about 1 hr late), but that’s what you get for trying to have 10 females and 2 gay men go out together. The wedding was beautiful. My sister looked gorgeous- as should every bride on their special day. Everyone in attendance seemed to have a good time with a few exceptions, but I won’t linger on their issues. However, once again I felt like I was on the outskirts of the day. At one point, even feeling like I was not wanted in a “family” picture. (She is not my biological sister, and some do not understand our relationship not the relationship I share with her immediate family. So pplhhhbbbbttt to them.) At any one of these events I did not feel like I was part of them. I felt like I was busy overseeing things and not socializing enough. You know, how are you? Are you enjoying yourself? Is there anything I can do to help? I was just there, doing what I needed to do and watching from outside the window.
(3) School – YEAH It’s OVER! Just awaiting my certification in the mail. I loved it! The kids were great – ok with their minor problems and quirks – but they were great. My CT wound being wonderful and a great teacher to me. The other faculty and staff were supportive and friendly too. However, I was still a student, and therefore and outsider. Even though I was privy to certain conversations, I was not in a position to contribute, comment, or question – just smile and nod, or give that intellectual look of “oh I see”. Again looking in from the outside.
(4) Return to the office – I have gone back to working more hours at the office again. And on one of my first days back it felt like I was walking into a familiar town that was in the process of being leveled and the old discarded. One day I spent my break in tears in my car. I felt so out of place, so unneeded, so bullied, so not a part of anymore. It hurt. I don’t know why, but it hurt. So here I am in the center of town, but encased in glass.
Recently, someone brought to my attention that they feel that I have been neglecting our friendship. Now this is someone I have known for a long time, and someone I have a deep connection with. It really hurt me to hear them say that were questioning my feelings towards them. I feel as if they have been privy to everything that has been going on, supportive of it, understanding of it, and realizing the sacrifices required in order to obtain my goal.
Although I still feel that there is effort that needs to be put forth from both of us, I am not so self centered that I was unable to hear what this person had to say about my actions. Okay, maybe a little hard headed, but not self centered or self righteous. As Socrates said, “A fool thinks he knows everything, but a wise man admits he knows nothing.” So I have analyzed some of this person’s criticisms and have come to the conclusion that I have a habit of emotionally removing myself from situations. It seems like whenever I become overloaded with things to do, I go on autopilot – I do what needs to be done. My self reflection reminded me of Adam Sandler’s movie “Click”. Whenever he wanted to accomplish something he fast forwarded the “tedious” actions of day to day living, and in turn shut people out. He kept his eye on the goal of a promotion, but turned his back on those closest to him. To a certain extent I feel like I have done that. The dilemma I now face is changing this behavior.
Oh sure one would think it’s easy now because all those time consuming events are completed. Which is true – but they have been replaced by others. I am searching for a new job for September, which requires much resolve and kissing up. Also, there is the small (sense the sarcasm?) financial problem. I never was eligible for unemployment, so we have been living on one income for the past several months. It is starting to catch up with us. Paying the mortgage each month has become a magic trick. Soon my husband’s paychecks will stop, as he is a school teacher and there is no school in the summer. So I am attempting to pick up the slack and have begun a part-time job. So where is the time for me? Where is the time for my mental health? For the positive growth in my relationships? For reestablishing what has been neglected? Where is the time to be able to stop looking through the window at my life, and to become an active part of it?
(1) Women’s Retreat – It was a great success. I found such strength and a new found look on my faith through each woman’s story. I was able to open up emotionally without the fear of being judged or having to defend my feelings. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do this, and it was a great feeling. The love letters I received from everyone were beautiful. I don’t mean this to sound conceded or anything – but even though I know I’m loved and I know that the things I do for others is appreciated, it’s always nice to hear. It’s rewarding to hear someone in their own words tell you about what kind of impact you have had on their life. It has been several months since the weekend and since I’ve seen all these wonderful, inspiring women in one place and I miss them greatly. To a certain extent I feel like I have ostrisized myself from them with the illusion of my “busy schedule”. Although I know that is not the case and that they would embrace me if I reached out, it is how I feel. Probably just a part of my emotional intelligence that has developed over the years, a fear of rejection, a fear of being viewed as a “user”, so I remain on the out skirts. And I guess this is what the theme of this blog will be.
(2) My Sister’s Wedding – The bridal shower was a great success, due mainly from the monetary generosity of the bride’s mother. Without whom it never would have happened. The bacholorette party was a success as well. A few issues as far as arriving in a timely fashion (about 1 hr late), but that’s what you get for trying to have 10 females and 2 gay men go out together. The wedding was beautiful. My sister looked gorgeous- as should every bride on their special day. Everyone in attendance seemed to have a good time with a few exceptions, but I won’t linger on their issues. However, once again I felt like I was on the outskirts of the day. At one point, even feeling like I was not wanted in a “family” picture. (She is not my biological sister, and some do not understand our relationship not the relationship I share with her immediate family. So pplhhhbbbbttt to them.) At any one of these events I did not feel like I was part of them. I felt like I was busy overseeing things and not socializing enough. You know, how are you? Are you enjoying yourself? Is there anything I can do to help? I was just there, doing what I needed to do and watching from outside the window.
(3) School – YEAH It’s OVER! Just awaiting my certification in the mail. I loved it! The kids were great – ok with their minor problems and quirks – but they were great. My CT wound being wonderful and a great teacher to me. The other faculty and staff were supportive and friendly too. However, I was still a student, and therefore and outsider. Even though I was privy to certain conversations, I was not in a position to contribute, comment, or question – just smile and nod, or give that intellectual look of “oh I see”. Again looking in from the outside.
(4) Return to the office – I have gone back to working more hours at the office again. And on one of my first days back it felt like I was walking into a familiar town that was in the process of being leveled and the old discarded. One day I spent my break in tears in my car. I felt so out of place, so unneeded, so bullied, so not a part of anymore. It hurt. I don’t know why, but it hurt. So here I am in the center of town, but encased in glass.
Recently, someone brought to my attention that they feel that I have been neglecting our friendship. Now this is someone I have known for a long time, and someone I have a deep connection with. It really hurt me to hear them say that were questioning my feelings towards them. I feel as if they have been privy to everything that has been going on, supportive of it, understanding of it, and realizing the sacrifices required in order to obtain my goal.
Although I still feel that there is effort that needs to be put forth from both of us, I am not so self centered that I was unable to hear what this person had to say about my actions. Okay, maybe a little hard headed, but not self centered or self righteous. As Socrates said, “A fool thinks he knows everything, but a wise man admits he knows nothing.” So I have analyzed some of this person’s criticisms and have come to the conclusion that I have a habit of emotionally removing myself from situations. It seems like whenever I become overloaded with things to do, I go on autopilot – I do what needs to be done. My self reflection reminded me of Adam Sandler’s movie “Click”. Whenever he wanted to accomplish something he fast forwarded the “tedious” actions of day to day living, and in turn shut people out. He kept his eye on the goal of a promotion, but turned his back on those closest to him. To a certain extent I feel like I have done that. The dilemma I now face is changing this behavior.
Oh sure one would think it’s easy now because all those time consuming events are completed. Which is true – but they have been replaced by others. I am searching for a new job for September, which requires much resolve and kissing up. Also, there is the small (sense the sarcasm?) financial problem. I never was eligible for unemployment, so we have been living on one income for the past several months. It is starting to catch up with us. Paying the mortgage each month has become a magic trick. Soon my husband’s paychecks will stop, as he is a school teacher and there is no school in the summer. So I am attempting to pick up the slack and have begun a part-time job. So where is the time for me? Where is the time for my mental health? For the positive growth in my relationships? For reestablishing what has been neglected? Where is the time to be able to stop looking through the window at my life, and to become an active part of it?
Friday, June 01, 2007
In Limbo
Love.
Betrayal.
Pain.
Lost in confusion.
Solitude desired.
Solitude achieved.
Cursed solitude.
The big picture lost in the blindness of loneliness.
Wounded by words.
Armor of detached emotions invoked.
Enveloped in the darkness of childhood memories.
Anguish revisited.
Child fears grow into adult nightmares.
No where to run.
Tears for faith lost.
Dreams melt in the heat of the summer.
In limbo she waits.
In limbo she questions all that surrounds her.
In limbo she prays for grace.
In limbo she prays for patience.
In limbo she prays for love.
Hope cries in the silence.
Betrayal.
Pain.
Lost in confusion.
Solitude desired.
Solitude achieved.
Cursed solitude.
The big picture lost in the blindness of loneliness.
Wounded by words.
Armor of detached emotions invoked.
Enveloped in the darkness of childhood memories.
Anguish revisited.
Child fears grow into adult nightmares.
No where to run.
Tears for faith lost.
Dreams melt in the heat of the summer.
In limbo she waits.
In limbo she questions all that surrounds her.
In limbo she prays for grace.
In limbo she prays for patience.
In limbo she prays for love.
Hope cries in the silence.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Faith
Here I sit – one of the first evenings in quite some time to myself. A glass of wine and 3 cats are my company, and this girl couldn’t ask for more right now.
I am not as angry as I was in my last wine-ladened blog, however I am still scared. So far all the bills have been paid. An angel was here when the bad news came via the USPS and he bought us groceries. His excuse was that he hates to see an empty fridge, and ours was so empty you could hear your own echo. He also said it was a pittance in comparison to the friendship and dinner parties we had thrown over the years. This is man is an angel. I thank God for his friendship; it bore us almost 2 weeks worth of food and medicated a potential anxiety attack.
The job I am in leave of is falling apart. On one hand, it’s great that they don’t need me and aren’t calling me every 5 seconds. On the other, I am still fearful of the repercussions of the damage being inflicted in my absence. I fear that I will not be able to make the necessary repairs upon my return and that I might go down with the ship. I would much rather resign from my post as captain and stay on board as a consultant rather than captain. Then again I’m not even sure if I want that.
This past month I have been in the classroom, teaching and learning. My life has been busy; family engagements and plans, friends’ special events, my women’s church group, and the every day chores of life. Funny, I haven’t missed the job at all. What’s even funnier is that I don’t feel stressed at all. (and I do say that sarcastically). After my initial melt down of the unemployment denial, I really feel calm. Scarily calm. I don’t understand it. Maybe if I was taking Xanax or drinking heavily or taking some ‘ludes – I mean something anything - it might explain this attitude. Yet I sit here sober (with the exception of my one glass of wine, which by the way is only the third in three days and third in near a month) just paying the bills, finagling money, eating oatmeal 2x a day, using spare change for the treat of coffee in the morning, and just going about my business. I don’t understand it. I should be in a near panic.
I do keep telling myself everyday that God will get us through this, and maybe I can say that it is my faith that is keeping me sane. My faith that this hard word and sacrifice will strengthen my marriage, better my soul, and grace us with gifts we would have otherwise not appreciated with the same love without having this experience. My faith that although I was initially angry with God for trusting me so much with such obstacles I was able to overcome that anger and turn my insecurities over to Him allowing Him to carry me through this time when it seems that no one else could. My faith has given my this women’s group at church with weekly reminders that others have faced such stormy water and worse yet once they put it in God’s hands it was He who carried them safely to shore. My faith has allowed me to see the wonderful man I married and how blessed I am to have someone who cares so deeply and passionately for me that he has put aside his own fears and anger to be my rock and offer the strength and stability I so desperately need. My faith has given me signs from the professionals sent to work with, observe, and guide me in the words of encouragement and further affirm that I am on the right path to fulfilling my destiny.
Last week a visiting nun came to our women’s group. She was there to teach us body praying and Tai Chi Chai. I am the liturgy/music co-director of the group and in charge of our bi-weekly prayer meetings. This particular week I knew there was much work to be done, so my co-director and I decided to leave out the “Song of Reflection”. I felt that the service was lacking in the area of spiritual reinforcement of the reading so I wrote my own reflection. After the service I received many compliments on how I incorporated the reading into the work we were doing, and the nun even praised me for making such a connection at such a young age.
The reading was Matthew 13:1-9
My reflection:
Aside from the affirmation that I understood the meaning behind this parable, the nun also said something later on to the group that has stuck with me everyday since. This nun has much experience working with other such women’s groups and has seen the trials and tribulations they have undergone from the groups’ inception up to the final moment of the retreat weekend. On this evening she told us that she felt we had a special group of women but to be wary. For when such a strong group of faithful people as ours gets together there are often temptations to pull us apart. She warned us that as the retreat draws nearer we may be faced with obstacles we have never dealt with before and be tempted to walk away from all that we have worked on.
I have felt this way recently. For all the positive energy I have received from the group the stress of everything outside the group has made me feel like I need to give up something in my life. And the first thing that usually comes to mind is this women’s group. When the nun mentioned this temptation I thought of my feelings, I thought of a story another woman had shared reflecting on her feelings of leaving, and then I thought of Jesus. Okay I don’t mean to get all holy-roller on you, and if you don’t believe in Jesus please keep reading. This is not about believing in the Messiah, but more of the story presented and how we can all relate to being tempted in our weakest hour. Jesus went to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights with no food or drink. As the sun beat down on Him His body was weakening. He ached for nourishment and was beseeched with parchment, yet He held strong to His faith. He knew that God would not have sent him on this journey if God did not trust in Him. God not only trusted in Him, He believed that Jesus’ faith would get Him through. The Devil tempted Jesus with luscious fruits and an oasis of drink and shade, but Jesus held fast to His faith and His mission. In the end Jesus did not fall victim to the temptations, knowing they would not provide for Him in the long run and returned spiritually renewed. Jesus then headed towards Jerusalem knowing He would face betrayal, torture, and His final hour.
When the nun mentioned that we would be tempted to leave this spiritual group, I heard this story in my mind and it suddenly clicked. The past several years have been leading up to this moment in my life. I have been tested time and time again, in patience and virtue and fortitude and love. I have muddled through some of it, while soaring through other tests. And now as I near the final hour of this pursuit, the moment I have been working towards, I am faced with the most difficult of temptations. The loss of my home, the inability to help provide for my family (however small it may be), the treat of instability to my family, and my sanity. The denial of unemployment has presented all of these before me with one easy solution – go back to work whether it is this job or another, I can always finish school later. But the question is when does later come? So I am then presented with the thought of working 20 hours a week which can only be afforded to me if I sacrifice something else, at this time the only other option is the women’s group. Yet another opportunity like this may never present itself again. Then I hear this nun’s words of warning and words of wisdom, and I realize that I cannot quickly forget all the signs I have been given from God that has lead me to this moment. From being placed in two grades that I wanted to experience, to achieving a 3.9 GPA, acknowledge from my professors and co-operating teachers about my natural ability and obvious love for teaching, to the happiness I feel and the loving husband at my side. It is THESE thoughts that I should look towards during my times of doubt, and THESE examples that help me keep my faith and turn from the temptation of the easy way out.
I know that I will see the sun rise as it rises over calm waters that were once wild with wind and rage. It is to this sun rise that I must remain focused on and my faith that I must turn to in times of trouble and doubt.
I am not as angry as I was in my last wine-ladened blog, however I am still scared. So far all the bills have been paid. An angel was here when the bad news came via the USPS and he bought us groceries. His excuse was that he hates to see an empty fridge, and ours was so empty you could hear your own echo. He also said it was a pittance in comparison to the friendship and dinner parties we had thrown over the years. This is man is an angel. I thank God for his friendship; it bore us almost 2 weeks worth of food and medicated a potential anxiety attack.
The job I am in leave of is falling apart. On one hand, it’s great that they don’t need me and aren’t calling me every 5 seconds. On the other, I am still fearful of the repercussions of the damage being inflicted in my absence. I fear that I will not be able to make the necessary repairs upon my return and that I might go down with the ship. I would much rather resign from my post as captain and stay on board as a consultant rather than captain. Then again I’m not even sure if I want that.
This past month I have been in the classroom, teaching and learning. My life has been busy; family engagements and plans, friends’ special events, my women’s church group, and the every day chores of life. Funny, I haven’t missed the job at all. What’s even funnier is that I don’t feel stressed at all. (and I do say that sarcastically). After my initial melt down of the unemployment denial, I really feel calm. Scarily calm. I don’t understand it. Maybe if I was taking Xanax or drinking heavily or taking some ‘ludes – I mean something anything - it might explain this attitude. Yet I sit here sober (with the exception of my one glass of wine, which by the way is only the third in three days and third in near a month) just paying the bills, finagling money, eating oatmeal 2x a day, using spare change for the treat of coffee in the morning, and just going about my business. I don’t understand it. I should be in a near panic.
I do keep telling myself everyday that God will get us through this, and maybe I can say that it is my faith that is keeping me sane. My faith that this hard word and sacrifice will strengthen my marriage, better my soul, and grace us with gifts we would have otherwise not appreciated with the same love without having this experience. My faith that although I was initially angry with God for trusting me so much with such obstacles I was able to overcome that anger and turn my insecurities over to Him allowing Him to carry me through this time when it seems that no one else could. My faith has given my this women’s group at church with weekly reminders that others have faced such stormy water and worse yet once they put it in God’s hands it was He who carried them safely to shore. My faith has allowed me to see the wonderful man I married and how blessed I am to have someone who cares so deeply and passionately for me that he has put aside his own fears and anger to be my rock and offer the strength and stability I so desperately need. My faith has given me signs from the professionals sent to work with, observe, and guide me in the words of encouragement and further affirm that I am on the right path to fulfilling my destiny.
Last week a visiting nun came to our women’s group. She was there to teach us body praying and Tai Chi Chai. I am the liturgy/music co-director of the group and in charge of our bi-weekly prayer meetings. This particular week I knew there was much work to be done, so my co-director and I decided to leave out the “Song of Reflection”. I felt that the service was lacking in the area of spiritual reinforcement of the reading so I wrote my own reflection. After the service I received many compliments on how I incorporated the reading into the work we were doing, and the nun even praised me for making such a connection at such a young age.
The reading was Matthew 13:1-9
On that day, Jesus went out of the house and sat down by the sea. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat down, and the whole crowd stood along the shore. And he spoke to them at length in parables, saying: "A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil. It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep, and when the sun rose it was scorched, and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it. But some seed fell on rich soil, and produced fruit, a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold. Whoever has ears ought to hear."
My reflection:
When Father G and Father B were beginning to develop this women’s group, they began to look for rich soil where they might be able to plant some seeds of faith. They chose a few women that they felt would nurture these seeds so that fruit could grow and might provide nourishment for others. And so we received our invitation letters to be a part of this women’s group Team. During our personal discernment to be a part of Team, some of us may have been saying “Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night.” Ultimately we each answered this honor with “I will go, Lord, if you lead me.” The sowers had successfully sowed.
As the retreat weekend is quickly approaching we will be welcoming those who seek and long for the Lord. May we hold them in our hearts and produce bountiful fruits of faith from the seeds that have been sown in us.
Aside from the affirmation that I understood the meaning behind this parable, the nun also said something later on to the group that has stuck with me everyday since. This nun has much experience working with other such women’s groups and has seen the trials and tribulations they have undergone from the groups’ inception up to the final moment of the retreat weekend. On this evening she told us that she felt we had a special group of women but to be wary. For when such a strong group of faithful people as ours gets together there are often temptations to pull us apart. She warned us that as the retreat draws nearer we may be faced with obstacles we have never dealt with before and be tempted to walk away from all that we have worked on.
I have felt this way recently. For all the positive energy I have received from the group the stress of everything outside the group has made me feel like I need to give up something in my life. And the first thing that usually comes to mind is this women’s group. When the nun mentioned this temptation I thought of my feelings, I thought of a story another woman had shared reflecting on her feelings of leaving, and then I thought of Jesus. Okay I don’t mean to get all holy-roller on you, and if you don’t believe in Jesus please keep reading. This is not about believing in the Messiah, but more of the story presented and how we can all relate to being tempted in our weakest hour. Jesus went to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights with no food or drink. As the sun beat down on Him His body was weakening. He ached for nourishment and was beseeched with parchment, yet He held strong to His faith. He knew that God would not have sent him on this journey if God did not trust in Him. God not only trusted in Him, He believed that Jesus’ faith would get Him through. The Devil tempted Jesus with luscious fruits and an oasis of drink and shade, but Jesus held fast to His faith and His mission. In the end Jesus did not fall victim to the temptations, knowing they would not provide for Him in the long run and returned spiritually renewed. Jesus then headed towards Jerusalem knowing He would face betrayal, torture, and His final hour.
When the nun mentioned that we would be tempted to leave this spiritual group, I heard this story in my mind and it suddenly clicked. The past several years have been leading up to this moment in my life. I have been tested time and time again, in patience and virtue and fortitude and love. I have muddled through some of it, while soaring through other tests. And now as I near the final hour of this pursuit, the moment I have been working towards, I am faced with the most difficult of temptations. The loss of my home, the inability to help provide for my family (however small it may be), the treat of instability to my family, and my sanity. The denial of unemployment has presented all of these before me with one easy solution – go back to work whether it is this job or another, I can always finish school later. But the question is when does later come? So I am then presented with the thought of working 20 hours a week which can only be afforded to me if I sacrifice something else, at this time the only other option is the women’s group. Yet another opportunity like this may never present itself again. Then I hear this nun’s words of warning and words of wisdom, and I realize that I cannot quickly forget all the signs I have been given from God that has lead me to this moment. From being placed in two grades that I wanted to experience, to achieving a 3.9 GPA, acknowledge from my professors and co-operating teachers about my natural ability and obvious love for teaching, to the happiness I feel and the loving husband at my side. It is THESE thoughts that I should look towards during my times of doubt, and THESE examples that help me keep my faith and turn from the temptation of the easy way out.
I know that I will see the sun rise as it rises over calm waters that were once wild with wind and rage. It is to this sun rise that I must remain focused on and my faith that I must turn to in times of trouble and doubt.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Why does God trust me?
Just when things were starting to look up, just when I could see a glimpse of happiness a smile on my face – a moment of the me who was lost long ago – God decides to test my faith again.
2 years ago I embarked on a new path. A path that was to better my life. To fulfill a childhood dream of leaving a mark on the future, impacting the future with ideas of love. I made the decision to return to school to pursue the career of becoming an educator. I am now almost finished. I began my student teaching just a few weeks ago. A partial reason for my absenteeism from this blog. It started out a bit odd, as many things do when one ventures into the unknown. But this past week has given me hope and furthered my optimism that I am on the right path. Then I received this letter in the mail and it is devastating.
I was under the impression that due to my full time student status I would be eligible for unemployment. I initially did not want to pursue applying for unemployment under this pretense, although it is the truth I was fearful that it would prove beneficial for me. I wanted to apply under the pretense that I was laid off due to lack of work, but when I mention this to my bosses they gave the distinct impression that they would not back this idea nor did they even contemplate it. I understand that they were looking out for themselves, and understandably so, but damn it they bend so many damn rules for so many others I hoped that my loyalty and dedication would be honored. What I fool I proved to be. So I applied with the truth. And the truth has imprisoned me. I am not eligible for unemployment.
I am pissed, hurt, angry, lost, fearful, upset, frustrated, disillusioned, and tearful. I have worked faithfully for the past 15 years. I have never attempted to collect, yet I have paid into it for all these years. I have been harassed and psychologically damaged over the past 9 years from this damn hell hole called a job. I finally made a decision to attempt to improve these circumstances by furthering my education and am now penalized for it. As stated in the damn f-in letter I received from the f-in state “You left your job voluntarily because it interfered with your attendance at training or school. Although attending school or training is a valid reason for leaving work, it is personal. Therefore, your reason for leaving does not constitute good cause attributable to the work. You are disqualified for benefits.”
This damn letter might as well read “since you have decided that mental and emotional abuses are not to your liking, your attempt to better your life’s circumstances is not our problem. Even though you have put in years of hard work, those that have not are more entitled to your sweat and labor than you are. You’re hard earned tax dollars will benefit some crack ho parent instead of you and your family. You are now endanger of losing your home, your car, your husband, and everything else you have worked so hard to obtain over the years. Fuck you.”
So I have spent the last several hours drowning myself with an old friend, Dionysius. Yet, I must awake in the morning to teach 4th graders about holiness. Plan a lesson on the importance of recycling for Monday. And put on a happy face for the entire world to see. Well you know what I want to say to it all – FUCK YOU! YOU SUCK! I’m tired of working so hard for what I believe is the right thing and only get kicked in the face and spit on. Fuck everyone else – what about me damn it. When do I get the break? Why am I penalized for my honesty and attempt to better my life? I try to be a role model. I try to learn from my mistakes. I try to lead others to the heart of God. Yet I am trampled in the mud by a runaway herd of buffalo that I couldn’t see coming. When do I get to stop treading water and sail on a ship into the sunset?
Sorry for the cursing and the anger, but I am at a complete loss.
2 years ago I embarked on a new path. A path that was to better my life. To fulfill a childhood dream of leaving a mark on the future, impacting the future with ideas of love. I made the decision to return to school to pursue the career of becoming an educator. I am now almost finished. I began my student teaching just a few weeks ago. A partial reason for my absenteeism from this blog. It started out a bit odd, as many things do when one ventures into the unknown. But this past week has given me hope and furthered my optimism that I am on the right path. Then I received this letter in the mail and it is devastating.
I was under the impression that due to my full time student status I would be eligible for unemployment. I initially did not want to pursue applying for unemployment under this pretense, although it is the truth I was fearful that it would prove beneficial for me. I wanted to apply under the pretense that I was laid off due to lack of work, but when I mention this to my bosses they gave the distinct impression that they would not back this idea nor did they even contemplate it. I understand that they were looking out for themselves, and understandably so, but damn it they bend so many damn rules for so many others I hoped that my loyalty and dedication would be honored. What I fool I proved to be. So I applied with the truth. And the truth has imprisoned me. I am not eligible for unemployment.
I am pissed, hurt, angry, lost, fearful, upset, frustrated, disillusioned, and tearful. I have worked faithfully for the past 15 years. I have never attempted to collect, yet I have paid into it for all these years. I have been harassed and psychologically damaged over the past 9 years from this damn hell hole called a job. I finally made a decision to attempt to improve these circumstances by furthering my education and am now penalized for it. As stated in the damn f-in letter I received from the f-in state “You left your job voluntarily because it interfered with your attendance at training or school. Although attending school or training is a valid reason for leaving work, it is personal. Therefore, your reason for leaving does not constitute good cause attributable to the work. You are disqualified for benefits.”
This damn letter might as well read “since you have decided that mental and emotional abuses are not to your liking, your attempt to better your life’s circumstances is not our problem. Even though you have put in years of hard work, those that have not are more entitled to your sweat and labor than you are. You’re hard earned tax dollars will benefit some crack ho parent instead of you and your family. You are now endanger of losing your home, your car, your husband, and everything else you have worked so hard to obtain over the years. Fuck you.”
So I have spent the last several hours drowning myself with an old friend, Dionysius. Yet, I must awake in the morning to teach 4th graders about holiness. Plan a lesson on the importance of recycling for Monday. And put on a happy face for the entire world to see. Well you know what I want to say to it all – FUCK YOU! YOU SUCK! I’m tired of working so hard for what I believe is the right thing and only get kicked in the face and spit on. Fuck everyone else – what about me damn it. When do I get the break? Why am I penalized for my honesty and attempt to better my life? I try to be a role model. I try to learn from my mistakes. I try to lead others to the heart of God. Yet I am trampled in the mud by a runaway herd of buffalo that I couldn’t see coming. When do I get to stop treading water and sail on a ship into the sunset?
Sorry for the cursing and the anger, but I am at a complete loss.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Living La Vida Limbo
Only one week left of working here full-time! I’m not excited about collecting unemployment and the hit my checking account will take, but I am excited to get the hell outta here.
There are two sayings that come to mind at this time. 1- Distance makes the heart grow fonder. 2- Outta sight, outta mind. From my experience last semester, with being out of the office once a week, I know that my feelings will be more “outta sight outta mind”. Yet, I’m not feeling it quite 100%. Although I will not be here on a full-time basis, I will be coming in at least once on the weekends and this is leaving me with much anxiety.
First, on the day that I will be here the BFB, the Butt Pimple, and her cronies will be here. Now, one would say – just ignore them and that is just what I do. But I find that the more I am away from the BFB the more I realize how mental she is and the less tolerance I have for her when I am near her. My relationship with her is so damaged that upon her return from Holiday break she has been in and out of my office several times and spoken to everyone except me. No Hello, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year – nothing. Then today she speaks to me, she asks me why there is a sign about no classes during a particular week. I told her that is has been on the calendar since August. She begins to persist that there will be classes, based on a conversation she had with the boss yesterday. I told her the boss did not say anything to me, and she insists that I was present for the conversation. I told her I was not privy to such a conversation. She once again insisted that I was and that I was sitting in my chair while she and the boss had this conversation in my office. I told her if that was the case that I was not invited into the conversation and therefore unaware of the discussion because it was not my conversation to partake in. Again she persisted with the fact that there were no conversations and why was such a sign made. I told her I was unaware of the sign she was speaking of and that if the boss made this decision the boss did not inform me about it and she needed to take it up with the boss. THIS is the nonsense that I have to look forward to for the next few months! I am praying for the strength God can grant me.
Second, I am fearful of the messes that have occurred during the week that I will be walking into on the weekend. I’ve worked hard here to keep things flowing at a good pace to keep things organized. The mere thought that while I my involved begins to dwindle, things are going to fall apart before my eyes upsets me. I know – again we are posed with the question of why do I even care, but for whatever that reason maybe I do care. Someone said to me I am staying on out of comfort. I can’t disagree with that, but another part of the reason are the perks I will be getting during this time. I can come and go as I please, I know the job and don’t have to go through another learning process, and I set my own work pace. I mean let’s face it, after all this time I can do this job with my eyes closed.
As time passes I will discern whether or not this arrangement is worth it. But hopefully the time will pass quickly enough that I will not even realize it and before I know it September will be here and I will finally move on – totally and completely – with my life.
There are two sayings that come to mind at this time. 1- Distance makes the heart grow fonder. 2- Outta sight, outta mind. From my experience last semester, with being out of the office once a week, I know that my feelings will be more “outta sight outta mind”. Yet, I’m not feeling it quite 100%. Although I will not be here on a full-time basis, I will be coming in at least once on the weekends and this is leaving me with much anxiety.
First, on the day that I will be here the BFB, the Butt Pimple, and her cronies will be here. Now, one would say – just ignore them and that is just what I do. But I find that the more I am away from the BFB the more I realize how mental she is and the less tolerance I have for her when I am near her. My relationship with her is so damaged that upon her return from Holiday break she has been in and out of my office several times and spoken to everyone except me. No Hello, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year – nothing. Then today she speaks to me, she asks me why there is a sign about no classes during a particular week. I told her that is has been on the calendar since August. She begins to persist that there will be classes, based on a conversation she had with the boss yesterday. I told her the boss did not say anything to me, and she insists that I was present for the conversation. I told her I was not privy to such a conversation. She once again insisted that I was and that I was sitting in my chair while she and the boss had this conversation in my office. I told her if that was the case that I was not invited into the conversation and therefore unaware of the discussion because it was not my conversation to partake in. Again she persisted with the fact that there were no conversations and why was such a sign made. I told her I was unaware of the sign she was speaking of and that if the boss made this decision the boss did not inform me about it and she needed to take it up with the boss. THIS is the nonsense that I have to look forward to for the next few months! I am praying for the strength God can grant me.
Second, I am fearful of the messes that have occurred during the week that I will be walking into on the weekend. I’ve worked hard here to keep things flowing at a good pace to keep things organized. The mere thought that while I my involved begins to dwindle, things are going to fall apart before my eyes upsets me. I know – again we are posed with the question of why do I even care, but for whatever that reason maybe I do care. Someone said to me I am staying on out of comfort. I can’t disagree with that, but another part of the reason are the perks I will be getting during this time. I can come and go as I please, I know the job and don’t have to go through another learning process, and I set my own work pace. I mean let’s face it, after all this time I can do this job with my eyes closed.
As time passes I will discern whether or not this arrangement is worth it. But hopefully the time will pass quickly enough that I will not even realize it and before I know it September will be here and I will finally move on – totally and completely – with my life.
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