First, I would like to say that things between us have been MUCH better. Since he wanted me to discuss my feelings more I have promised myself that I would not hold anything in anymore – not even the irrational thoughts that woman sometimes have. There were a few occasions were he failed to contact me when I was awaiting him to come home, and truthfully I used them to my advantage. They were the perfect opportunity for me to illustrate to him how his actions affect me and that he needs to make some changes too. With that said, my anniversary present was very sweet and the thought that went into it really showed me that he is trying to make an effort and he finally realizes that HE needs to begin to change. My birthday came with 3 celebrations. First a romantic dinner in AC at our favorite Cuban restaurant, then another romantic dinner in Lil’ Italy where we got engaged, then a night out with friends, and on the actual day a quiet evening at home with dinner and a funny movie.
For years we have considered having Thanksgiving at our house, but there was always a reason not to. Finally this year we decided to do it. 14 people in our lil’ house, but everyone had a great time – and those are HIS words!
These past few days, as I have re-cooperated from the holiday and put the house back in order, I have been left to my inner thoughts and yet again begun to contemplate life. After watching certain family members interact, I feel like I have a new insight on them – including my husband. I learned that his brother was the catalyst for my mother-in-law to come to dinner. We have been here for 3 years, and she has yet to visit. I began to think about how this seemingly lack of desire to see her son’s home could affect him. I then thought about how my family was excited to come over and once here took over my kitchen! I always knew that I had a strong, supportive family – even though some have the impression that we are not because of all the dissention amongst some of us. But to see the 2 families react in different ways helped me to realize how blessed I am. My family always manages to do the right thing when the time comes. They seem to gather strength through me. Now I see how I can do the same for his family and I thank my brother-in-law for that. My husband always told me that I was to be leader of this family, and now I see that I am slowly rising to the rank of family matriarch. It is an honor that I take pride in but it is also a scary responsibility to take on.
I have also been thinking about where my life is and where it is going. My husband has been questioning his lot in life. How he is not doing the things he thought he would be at this time, where is his life headed, where does he want it to go. And again I feel that I must be his strength. I have been so focused on changing my career and trying to find fulfillment in teaching, when maybe all along the answer to my fulfillment was right here in my home and ultimately my family. Maybe I will only find fulfillment in leading my family towards loving one another through my love for them. He is a part of my family, and for all the effort I put forth for my family I need to put a little more towards him. Just as the others look to me for love and support, he needs just as much and after all isn’t that part of what the covenant of marriage is – to love and support each other?
I love being there for my aunt, uncles, cousins, mom, grandfather, sister, and friends (especially those that are more like family). I should find the same love in being there for him and his family. So now I must turn my efforts towards my new found reason in life, my family – my entire, extended family.
So it is with God’s grace that I go forward on this new path. I thank Him for opening my eyes and pray that He guide me through this new journey.
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