Just when things were starting to look up, just when I could see a glimpse of happiness a smile on my face – a moment of the me who was lost long ago – God decides to test my faith again.
2 years ago I embarked on a new path. A path that was to better my life. To fulfill a childhood dream of leaving a mark on the future, impacting the future with ideas of love. I made the decision to return to school to pursue the career of becoming an educator. I am now almost finished. I began my student teaching just a few weeks ago. A partial reason for my absenteeism from this blog. It started out a bit odd, as many things do when one ventures into the unknown. But this past week has given me hope and furthered my optimism that I am on the right path. Then I received this letter in the mail and it is devastating.
I was under the impression that due to my full time student status I would be eligible for unemployment. I initially did not want to pursue applying for unemployment under this pretense, although it is the truth I was fearful that it would prove beneficial for me. I wanted to apply under the pretense that I was laid off due to lack of work, but when I mention this to my bosses they gave the distinct impression that they would not back this idea nor did they even contemplate it. I understand that they were looking out for themselves, and understandably so, but damn it they bend so many damn rules for so many others I hoped that my loyalty and dedication would be honored. What I fool I proved to be. So I applied with the truth. And the truth has imprisoned me. I am not eligible for unemployment.
I am pissed, hurt, angry, lost, fearful, upset, frustrated, disillusioned, and tearful. I have worked faithfully for the past 15 years. I have never attempted to collect, yet I have paid into it for all these years. I have been harassed and psychologically damaged over the past 9 years from this damn hell hole called a job. I finally made a decision to attempt to improve these circumstances by furthering my education and am now penalized for it. As stated in the damn f-in letter I received from the f-in state “You left your job voluntarily because it interfered with your attendance at training or school. Although attending school or training is a valid reason for leaving work, it is personal. Therefore, your reason for leaving does not constitute good cause attributable to the work. You are disqualified for benefits.”
This damn letter might as well read “since you have decided that mental and emotional abuses are not to your liking, your attempt to better your life’s circumstances is not our problem. Even though you have put in years of hard work, those that have not are more entitled to your sweat and labor than you are. You’re hard earned tax dollars will benefit some crack ho parent instead of you and your family. You are now endanger of losing your home, your car, your husband, and everything else you have worked so hard to obtain over the years. Fuck you.”
So I have spent the last several hours drowning myself with an old friend, Dionysius. Yet, I must awake in the morning to teach 4th graders about holiness. Plan a lesson on the importance of recycling for Monday. And put on a happy face for the entire world to see. Well you know what I want to say to it all – FUCK YOU! YOU SUCK! I’m tired of working so hard for what I believe is the right thing and only get kicked in the face and spit on. Fuck everyone else – what about me damn it. When do I get the break? Why am I penalized for my honesty and attempt to better my life? I try to be a role model. I try to learn from my mistakes. I try to lead others to the heart of God. Yet I am trampled in the mud by a runaway herd of buffalo that I couldn’t see coming. When do I get to stop treading water and sail on a ship into the sunset?
Sorry for the cursing and the anger, but I am at a complete loss.
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