The Outside Looking In

It’s been a while. I guess I should play a quick game of catch-up before I go any further….

(1) Women’s Retreat – It was a great success. I found such strength and a new found look on my faith through each woman’s story. I was able to open up emotionally without the fear of being judged or having to defend my feelings. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do this, and it was a great feeling. The love letters I received from everyone were beautiful. I don’t mean this to sound conceded or anything – but even though I know I’m loved and I know that the things I do for others is appreciated, it’s always nice to hear. It’s rewarding to hear someone in their own words tell you about what kind of impact you have had on their life. It has been several months since the weekend and since I’ve seen all these wonderful, inspiring women in one place and I miss them greatly. To a certain extent I feel like I have ostrisized myself from them with the illusion of my “busy schedule”. Although I know that is not the case and that they would embrace me if I reached out, it is how I feel. Probably just a part of my emotional intelligence that has developed over the years, a fear of rejection, a fear of being viewed as a “user”, so I remain on the out skirts. And I guess this is what the theme of this blog will be.
(2) My Sister’s Wedding – The bridal shower was a great success, due mainly from the monetary generosity of the bride’s mother. Without whom it never would have happened. The bacholorette party was a success as well. A few issues as far as arriving in a timely fashion (about 1 hr late), but that’s what you get for trying to have 10 females and 2 gay men go out together. The wedding was beautiful. My sister looked gorgeous- as should every bride on their special day. Everyone in attendance seemed to have a good time with a few exceptions, but I won’t linger on their issues. However, once again I felt like I was on the outskirts of the day. At one point, even feeling like I was not wanted in a “family” picture. (She is not my biological sister, and some do not understand our relationship not the relationship I share with her immediate family. So pplhhhbbbbttt to them.) At any one of these events I did not feel like I was part of them. I felt like I was busy overseeing things and not socializing enough. You know, how are you? Are you enjoying yourself? Is there anything I can do to help? I was just there, doing what I needed to do and watching from outside the window.
(3) School – YEAH It’s OVER! Just awaiting my certification in the mail. I loved it! The kids were great – ok with their minor problems and quirks – but they were great. My CT wound being wonderful and a great teacher to me. The other faculty and staff were supportive and friendly too. However, I was still a student, and therefore and outsider. Even though I was privy to certain conversations, I was not in a position to contribute, comment, or question – just smile and nod, or give that intellectual look of “oh I see”. Again looking in from the outside.
(4) Return to the office – I have gone back to working more hours at the office again. And on one of my first days back it felt like I was walking into a familiar town that was in the process of being leveled and the old discarded. One day I spent my break in tears in my car. I felt so out of place, so unneeded, so bullied, so not a part of anymore. It hurt. I don’t know why, but it hurt. So here I am in the center of town, but encased in glass.

Recently, someone brought to my attention that they feel that I have been neglecting our friendship. Now this is someone I have known for a long time, and someone I have a deep connection with. It really hurt me to hear them say that were questioning my feelings towards them. I feel as if they have been privy to everything that has been going on, supportive of it, understanding of it, and realizing the sacrifices required in order to obtain my goal.

Although I still feel that there is effort that needs to be put forth from both of us, I am not so self centered that I was unable to hear what this person had to say about my actions. Okay, maybe a little hard headed, but not self centered or self righteous. As Socrates said, “A fool thinks he knows everything, but a wise man admits he knows nothing.” So I have analyzed some of this person’s criticisms and have come to the conclusion that I have a habit of emotionally removing myself from situations. It seems like whenever I become overloaded with things to do, I go on autopilot – I do what needs to be done. My self reflection reminded me of Adam Sandler’s movie “Click”. Whenever he wanted to accomplish something he fast forwarded the “tedious” actions of day to day living, and in turn shut people out. He kept his eye on the goal of a promotion, but turned his back on those closest to him. To a certain extent I feel like I have done that. The dilemma I now face is changing this behavior.

Oh sure one would think it’s easy now because all those time consuming events are completed. Which is true – but they have been replaced by others. I am searching for a new job for September, which requires much resolve and kissing up. Also, there is the small (sense the sarcasm?) financial problem. I never was eligible for unemployment, so we have been living on one income for the past several months. It is starting to catch up with us. Paying the mortgage each month has become a magic trick. Soon my husband’s paychecks will stop, as he is a school teacher and there is no school in the summer. So I am attempting to pick up the slack and have begun a part-time job. So where is the time for me? Where is the time for my mental health? For the positive growth in my relationships? For reestablishing what has been neglected? Where is the time to be able to stop looking through the window at my life, and to become an active part of it?