Here I sit – one of the first evenings in quite some time to myself. A glass of wine and 3 cats are my company, and this girl couldn’t ask for more right now.
I am not as angry as I was in my last wine-ladened blog, however I am still scared. So far all the bills have been paid. An angel was here when the bad news came via the USPS and he bought us groceries. His excuse was that he hates to see an empty fridge, and ours was so empty you could hear your own echo. He also said it was a pittance in comparison to the friendship and dinner parties we had thrown over the years. This is man is an angel. I thank God for his friendship; it bore us almost 2 weeks worth of food and medicated a potential anxiety attack.
The job I am in leave of is falling apart. On one hand, it’s great that they don’t need me and aren’t calling me every 5 seconds. On the other, I am still fearful of the repercussions of the damage being inflicted in my absence. I fear that I will not be able to make the necessary repairs upon my return and that I might go down with the ship. I would much rather resign from my post as captain and stay on board as a consultant rather than captain. Then again I’m not even sure if I want that.
This past month I have been in the classroom, teaching and learning. My life has been busy; family engagements and plans, friends’ special events, my women’s church group, and the every day chores of life. Funny, I haven’t missed the job at all. What’s even funnier is that I don’t feel stressed at all. (and I do say that sarcastically). After my initial melt down of the unemployment denial, I really feel calm. Scarily calm. I don’t understand it. Maybe if I was taking Xanax or drinking heavily or taking some ‘ludes – I mean something anything - it might explain this attitude. Yet I sit here sober (with the exception of my one glass of wine, which by the way is only the third in three days and third in near a month) just paying the bills, finagling money, eating oatmeal 2x a day, using spare change for the treat of coffee in the morning, and just going about my business. I don’t understand it. I should be in a near panic.
I do keep telling myself everyday that God will get us through this, and maybe I can say that it is my faith that is keeping me sane. My faith that this hard word and sacrifice will strengthen my marriage, better my soul, and grace us with gifts we would have otherwise not appreciated with the same love without having this experience. My faith that although I was initially angry with God for trusting me so much with such obstacles I was able to overcome that anger and turn my insecurities over to Him allowing Him to carry me through this time when it seems that no one else could. My faith has given my this women’s group at church with weekly reminders that others have faced such stormy water and worse yet once they put it in God’s hands it was He who carried them safely to shore. My faith has allowed me to see the wonderful man I married and how blessed I am to have someone who cares so deeply and passionately for me that he has put aside his own fears and anger to be my rock and offer the strength and stability I so desperately need. My faith has given me signs from the professionals sent to work with, observe, and guide me in the words of encouragement and further affirm that I am on the right path to fulfilling my destiny.
Last week a visiting nun came to our women’s group. She was there to teach us body praying and Tai Chi Chai. I am the liturgy/music co-director of the group and in charge of our bi-weekly prayer meetings. This particular week I knew there was much work to be done, so my co-director and I decided to leave out the “Song of Reflection”. I felt that the service was lacking in the area of spiritual reinforcement of the reading so I wrote my own reflection. After the service I received many compliments on how I incorporated the reading into the work we were doing, and the nun even praised me for making such a connection at such a young age.
The reading was Matthew 13:1-9
My reflection:
Aside from the affirmation that I understood the meaning behind this parable, the nun also said something later on to the group that has stuck with me everyday since. This nun has much experience working with other such women’s groups and has seen the trials and tribulations they have undergone from the groups’ inception up to the final moment of the retreat weekend. On this evening she told us that she felt we had a special group of women but to be wary. For when such a strong group of faithful people as ours gets together there are often temptations to pull us apart. She warned us that as the retreat draws nearer we may be faced with obstacles we have never dealt with before and be tempted to walk away from all that we have worked on.
I have felt this way recently. For all the positive energy I have received from the group the stress of everything outside the group has made me feel like I need to give up something in my life. And the first thing that usually comes to mind is this women’s group. When the nun mentioned this temptation I thought of my feelings, I thought of a story another woman had shared reflecting on her feelings of leaving, and then I thought of Jesus. Okay I don’t mean to get all holy-roller on you, and if you don’t believe in Jesus please keep reading. This is not about believing in the Messiah, but more of the story presented and how we can all relate to being tempted in our weakest hour. Jesus went to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights with no food or drink. As the sun beat down on Him His body was weakening. He ached for nourishment and was beseeched with parchment, yet He held strong to His faith. He knew that God would not have sent him on this journey if God did not trust in Him. God not only trusted in Him, He believed that Jesus’ faith would get Him through. The Devil tempted Jesus with luscious fruits and an oasis of drink and shade, but Jesus held fast to His faith and His mission. In the end Jesus did not fall victim to the temptations, knowing they would not provide for Him in the long run and returned spiritually renewed. Jesus then headed towards Jerusalem knowing He would face betrayal, torture, and His final hour.
When the nun mentioned that we would be tempted to leave this spiritual group, I heard this story in my mind and it suddenly clicked. The past several years have been leading up to this moment in my life. I have been tested time and time again, in patience and virtue and fortitude and love. I have muddled through some of it, while soaring through other tests. And now as I near the final hour of this pursuit, the moment I have been working towards, I am faced with the most difficult of temptations. The loss of my home, the inability to help provide for my family (however small it may be), the treat of instability to my family, and my sanity. The denial of unemployment has presented all of these before me with one easy solution – go back to work whether it is this job or another, I can always finish school later. But the question is when does later come? So I am then presented with the thought of working 20 hours a week which can only be afforded to me if I sacrifice something else, at this time the only other option is the women’s group. Yet another opportunity like this may never present itself again. Then I hear this nun’s words of warning and words of wisdom, and I realize that I cannot quickly forget all the signs I have been given from God that has lead me to this moment. From being placed in two grades that I wanted to experience, to achieving a 3.9 GPA, acknowledge from my professors and co-operating teachers about my natural ability and obvious love for teaching, to the happiness I feel and the loving husband at my side. It is THESE thoughts that I should look towards during my times of doubt, and THESE examples that help me keep my faith and turn from the temptation of the easy way out.
I know that I will see the sun rise as it rises over calm waters that were once wild with wind and rage. It is to this sun rise that I must remain focused on and my faith that I must turn to in times of trouble and doubt.
I am not as angry as I was in my last wine-ladened blog, however I am still scared. So far all the bills have been paid. An angel was here when the bad news came via the USPS and he bought us groceries. His excuse was that he hates to see an empty fridge, and ours was so empty you could hear your own echo. He also said it was a pittance in comparison to the friendship and dinner parties we had thrown over the years. This is man is an angel. I thank God for his friendship; it bore us almost 2 weeks worth of food and medicated a potential anxiety attack.
The job I am in leave of is falling apart. On one hand, it’s great that they don’t need me and aren’t calling me every 5 seconds. On the other, I am still fearful of the repercussions of the damage being inflicted in my absence. I fear that I will not be able to make the necessary repairs upon my return and that I might go down with the ship. I would much rather resign from my post as captain and stay on board as a consultant rather than captain. Then again I’m not even sure if I want that.
This past month I have been in the classroom, teaching and learning. My life has been busy; family engagements and plans, friends’ special events, my women’s church group, and the every day chores of life. Funny, I haven’t missed the job at all. What’s even funnier is that I don’t feel stressed at all. (and I do say that sarcastically). After my initial melt down of the unemployment denial, I really feel calm. Scarily calm. I don’t understand it. Maybe if I was taking Xanax or drinking heavily or taking some ‘ludes – I mean something anything - it might explain this attitude. Yet I sit here sober (with the exception of my one glass of wine, which by the way is only the third in three days and third in near a month) just paying the bills, finagling money, eating oatmeal 2x a day, using spare change for the treat of coffee in the morning, and just going about my business. I don’t understand it. I should be in a near panic.
I do keep telling myself everyday that God will get us through this, and maybe I can say that it is my faith that is keeping me sane. My faith that this hard word and sacrifice will strengthen my marriage, better my soul, and grace us with gifts we would have otherwise not appreciated with the same love without having this experience. My faith that although I was initially angry with God for trusting me so much with such obstacles I was able to overcome that anger and turn my insecurities over to Him allowing Him to carry me through this time when it seems that no one else could. My faith has given my this women’s group at church with weekly reminders that others have faced such stormy water and worse yet once they put it in God’s hands it was He who carried them safely to shore. My faith has allowed me to see the wonderful man I married and how blessed I am to have someone who cares so deeply and passionately for me that he has put aside his own fears and anger to be my rock and offer the strength and stability I so desperately need. My faith has given me signs from the professionals sent to work with, observe, and guide me in the words of encouragement and further affirm that I am on the right path to fulfilling my destiny.
Last week a visiting nun came to our women’s group. She was there to teach us body praying and Tai Chi Chai. I am the liturgy/music co-director of the group and in charge of our bi-weekly prayer meetings. This particular week I knew there was much work to be done, so my co-director and I decided to leave out the “Song of Reflection”. I felt that the service was lacking in the area of spiritual reinforcement of the reading so I wrote my own reflection. After the service I received many compliments on how I incorporated the reading into the work we were doing, and the nun even praised me for making such a connection at such a young age.
The reading was Matthew 13:1-9
On that day, Jesus went out of the house and sat down by the sea. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat down, and the whole crowd stood along the shore. And he spoke to them at length in parables, saying: "A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil. It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep, and when the sun rose it was scorched, and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it. But some seed fell on rich soil, and produced fruit, a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold. Whoever has ears ought to hear."
My reflection:
When Father G and Father B were beginning to develop this women’s group, they began to look for rich soil where they might be able to plant some seeds of faith. They chose a few women that they felt would nurture these seeds so that fruit could grow and might provide nourishment for others. And so we received our invitation letters to be a part of this women’s group Team. During our personal discernment to be a part of Team, some of us may have been saying “Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night.” Ultimately we each answered this honor with “I will go, Lord, if you lead me.” The sowers had successfully sowed.
As the retreat weekend is quickly approaching we will be welcoming those who seek and long for the Lord. May we hold them in our hearts and produce bountiful fruits of faith from the seeds that have been sown in us.
Aside from the affirmation that I understood the meaning behind this parable, the nun also said something later on to the group that has stuck with me everyday since. This nun has much experience working with other such women’s groups and has seen the trials and tribulations they have undergone from the groups’ inception up to the final moment of the retreat weekend. On this evening she told us that she felt we had a special group of women but to be wary. For when such a strong group of faithful people as ours gets together there are often temptations to pull us apart. She warned us that as the retreat draws nearer we may be faced with obstacles we have never dealt with before and be tempted to walk away from all that we have worked on.
I have felt this way recently. For all the positive energy I have received from the group the stress of everything outside the group has made me feel like I need to give up something in my life. And the first thing that usually comes to mind is this women’s group. When the nun mentioned this temptation I thought of my feelings, I thought of a story another woman had shared reflecting on her feelings of leaving, and then I thought of Jesus. Okay I don’t mean to get all holy-roller on you, and if you don’t believe in Jesus please keep reading. This is not about believing in the Messiah, but more of the story presented and how we can all relate to being tempted in our weakest hour. Jesus went to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights with no food or drink. As the sun beat down on Him His body was weakening. He ached for nourishment and was beseeched with parchment, yet He held strong to His faith. He knew that God would not have sent him on this journey if God did not trust in Him. God not only trusted in Him, He believed that Jesus’ faith would get Him through. The Devil tempted Jesus with luscious fruits and an oasis of drink and shade, but Jesus held fast to His faith and His mission. In the end Jesus did not fall victim to the temptations, knowing they would not provide for Him in the long run and returned spiritually renewed. Jesus then headed towards Jerusalem knowing He would face betrayal, torture, and His final hour.
When the nun mentioned that we would be tempted to leave this spiritual group, I heard this story in my mind and it suddenly clicked. The past several years have been leading up to this moment in my life. I have been tested time and time again, in patience and virtue and fortitude and love. I have muddled through some of it, while soaring through other tests. And now as I near the final hour of this pursuit, the moment I have been working towards, I am faced with the most difficult of temptations. The loss of my home, the inability to help provide for my family (however small it may be), the treat of instability to my family, and my sanity. The denial of unemployment has presented all of these before me with one easy solution – go back to work whether it is this job or another, I can always finish school later. But the question is when does later come? So I am then presented with the thought of working 20 hours a week which can only be afforded to me if I sacrifice something else, at this time the only other option is the women’s group. Yet another opportunity like this may never present itself again. Then I hear this nun’s words of warning and words of wisdom, and I realize that I cannot quickly forget all the signs I have been given from God that has lead me to this moment. From being placed in two grades that I wanted to experience, to achieving a 3.9 GPA, acknowledge from my professors and co-operating teachers about my natural ability and obvious love for teaching, to the happiness I feel and the loving husband at my side. It is THESE thoughts that I should look towards during my times of doubt, and THESE examples that help me keep my faith and turn from the temptation of the easy way out.
I know that I will see the sun rise as it rises over calm waters that were once wild with wind and rage. It is to this sun rise that I must remain focused on and my faith that I must turn to in times of trouble and doubt.
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