Wilderness of Pain

Lost in a Wilderness of Pain and all the children are insane.

I am lost in this pain
I am a child who is insane
Why isn’t there some magical remedy to make this all go away?

This weekend I realized that I ignored him everywhere we went. But why is the big question? Am I afraid of what he’ll say? Afraid that the next conversation we have will only continue to break my heart? Another problem? Another issue? Another fault? More pain added to what I am already feeling? Questions abound but I cannot seem to find the answers no matter where I look.

So now I question – was he right to question my love for him? I thought I loved him, but do I really? If I loved him would I be acting so cold? But then again if he loved me would he be focusing on the negatives as much as he has been? How do I begin to love him the way I did when we first met? Then again do I question his love for me? It feels as if he is putting the salvation of this relationship completely on my shoulders. If he loved me how could he do that? When does he take responsibility for his actions that have contributed to us being in this place? Does he have to go out all night? Does he have to not answer my calls? Why does he not say “I Love You” when we say goodbye?

How the hell did we get here? And more importantly how the hell do we get back to where we were? We were the seemingly happy couple. Getting through our trials and tribulations – or so myself and everyone around us thought. Now we are in the throws of… of…. Pain and anguish, torture and emptiness, loneliness and isolation. So I cry tears that go unseen. I’m building a fortress out of my pain. And my heart continues to break as I continue to crumble behind these wall of tears.