This summer has proven to one of the most emotionally difficult ones for me. I’ve been through a lot in my life but I cannot remember experiencing pain like I recently have. Let me start by saying that things are getting better, but there are still issues that need to be worked on and trust needs to be reestablished.
I never thought for one minute that he would question my feelings for him. I never thought that once we were married there would be the possibility of an affair. Although he denies it time and time again, I still can’t help but wonder. I don’t know if it’s out of hope or denial but I don’t feel that he has crossed any physical lines, but I do feel he has crossed an emotional line. From going to a country concert, to driving her to the hospital at 1AM, to the over 800 minutes of cell phone calls, and over 400 text messages each month, the secretive phone calls, never leaving his phone alone, always having the phone on vibrate, difference in attitude after hanging out with certain people, the avoidance of coming home, and attempts to put his feelings on me to possibly alleviate his conscious, my friends wonder how I am surviving and still believing. I guess its out of blind faith and love.
He now believes that I love him, as he thought at the beginning of the summer I did not. He is now starting to regain faith in us, but has left me devastated to know that he lost faith to begin with. He is starting to tell me he loves me again, and I wait on baited breath to here it and then question its sincerity when I do. He wants more communication, but he has a habit of cutting me or not listening when I try. His perception of events is warped. From not remembering conversations about going off the pill, to no recollection of asking him to look into finding a dance class for us, to not remembering that I said hello to him, and not listening when we do talk, I am at a loss on how to revive his memory and help him be in the moment when he needs to be.
I feel like all the efforts to repair this relationship have not only been placed on my shoulders, but also have only been put forth by me. I would like to see a little more coming from him. Wouldn’t it be nice if he surprised me with wanting to go away for a romantic weekend? Or finding an activity for us to share in? Or telling me he loves me without me saying it first? Or ending his “friendship” with this girl? I am curious to see what our anniversary will bring in a few weeks and then my birthday and Christmas. I don’t need pretty jewelry or an expensive dinner, just a little something to let me know I still hold a special place in his heart.
During one of our conversations he asked me that if we got divorced would I hate him. I told him I would never speak to him again. He then wanted to know why? Ok, you can take that look of astonishment off your face now; as it took me a moment to digest a question that I felt was absurd. I told him that I do not allow those who have caused me such pain to remain in my life and that he should know this from all those who have come and gone in my life since he has known me. Since a divorce would cause my heart to break, I could never allow him back into my life as all it would do, would be to remind me of the heartbreak and pain me to see or speak to him again. He then asked if I would feel like I did not do enough to help make this marriage work. Ok, again I was taken aback. I told him that I would have no such regrets because I know that I have done everything I could and that if he decided to walk out it would be his decision because the problem would lie within him and there is nothing I can do to change him as that is something one must do on their own. I mean, we can always help one another to change, but both parties have to be willing to accept the help and then implement the change into their lives. I know I have changed. The question still lies, has he changed?
So I there are still feelings of jealousy towards this girl. And there may come a time for me to ask him to end this friendship, for that may be the only thing that will make me feel more confident in our relationship. There has been a mutual friend of ours that tried to tempt me to leave him by being there for me emotionally and telling me all the things I wanted to hear. Then he crossed the line when we were engaged and I was faced with making a decision about whether or not he was to remain in my life. After much discussion with my now husband, and realizing that maintaining such a friendship would put a strain on our relationship – both emotionally for him as he would never be able to trust this person again, and for me never knowing what his true intentions were – I ended the friendship. If I was able to do that for him, and for us, would it be so far fetched or outrageous of me to ask the same of him in our current situation?
As time goes on I will ultimately make a decision. I just pray that it will be the right one for me, him, and our marriage.
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