To Touch a Setting Sun

So once again doubt is rearing its ugly face and breaking my heart. I am going through the motions of being understanding and supportive and positive – yet inside I’m screaming.

Why all these questions? Why all the doubt? After all this time NOW it surfaces. As I am crumbling inside I want to take all this doubt and shove it down his throat. And then possibly kick the shit out of him, slash his tires, break his cell phone, and other destructive things. Ahh, but the good in me will always win out, and I will never pursue any of those secret desires because I know that they will achieve nothing. So instead, as I am confronted with the questions, I crumble inside and build walls around my heart.

What would I do? Haven’t I ever wondered? Wouldn’t I be happier? What if I can’t give what is needed? All these questions are posed, yet am I the right audience? Maybe he should look in a mirror and ask himself some of these questions. Maybe he should smash the mirror to get rid of the ugliness that has taken over his soul. Does he have a clue as to how this is affecting me? A part of me thinks that my feelings are not even a factor in this. As I’ve mentioned before it is difficult for me to vocalize my emotions, but I have been making a concerted effort to overcome this shortcoming. Yet conversations like the other night leave me feeling like my efforts are all for naught and that it is a waste of energy. When attempting to express myself, to put into words how his actions/words make me feel I am told that he doesn’t want to hear these things. The conversation quickly turns to a negative action that happened rather than looking at the positive outcome that transpired because of my efforts. Always focusing on the negative, and the positive is lost in what I see as selfishness.

How can one express their feelings when the other party is not open to hearing them? He is consumed by his emotions. He is holding himself flawless and sees how only I can make the difference. At least that is how I feel at times. But I still try to remain positive. I put up a front that I still have fight and a desire to work at this. Yet each day, each question, each sad look in his eyes, leaves me with nothing but pain as I try to touch a setting sun.

I’m lost. I am feeling emotionally battered and beaten. This constant questioning over the past 4 months is leaving me drained and depressed. I am feeling less sociable, less chipper, removed, unhappy, and …. And …. Losing my strength to fight, I am close to just giving in to whatever maybe. No teaching job – yet no desire to pursue one, and I mean really pound the pavement. Not registered for classes – again no desire to attempt to. A failing relationship – okay so I finally admit it, it’s falling apart and so am I.