Emotional Storm

Every few years or so I find myself lost, fumbling through the everyday, swallowing the melancholy and misery, and eventually I break out of it. There have been many catalysts that have left me lost – some tragedy or loved one’s death – but not this time. This time, another’s doubt and lack of faith have led me to this place.

I’m trying – Lord knows I’m trying – but this has to be one of the more difficult things I’ve had to do in my life. But I feel like every moment is a test – a test of my love, my faith, my intentions, my marriage, my life. Dramatic? Maybe a little. But I’m overwhelmed with these feelings.

This is all compounded by an interruption in my “master plan for my life”. I’m a damn Scorpio, we are planners because planning allows us a sense of control. We create a plan and then a plan B and plan C, as many alternate plans to accommodate for as many “what-ifs” we can think of. So my plan was to have finish school, get through my sister’s wedding, relax, have a teaching job by the end of June, get our finances back on track, and then contemplate having children. Well things didn’t quite happen that way. I did get through school and my sister’s wedding, and our finances are back on track. However, I do not have a teaching job – just the prospect of remaining here in hell for the benefits of understanding and freedom, never relaxed – instead dealt with another’s doubt, lack of faith, and my heart breaking, and never had a chance to contemplate children – partially due to the other person’s issues, lack of employment, and this new medical issue that I am awaiting more tests which will determine whether or not having children has been predetermined for me. Add to this an influx of hormones this month, lack of sleep, and working 10-12 hours a day, I think I officially broke down last night. It wasn’t necessarily the first break down this summer, but it was an uncontrollable, irrational, melt down.

The late nights, the seemingly secret cell phone calls and texts, the questions upon questions upon questions, the test of my patience and faith, and slowly the insanity is setting in.

I remain cool, calm, and collected on the exterior yet a storm is brewing inside. My heart is broken, my mind melting, and my emotions running like a freight train through my soul. Each day it becomes more difficult for me to keep it together. Last night I was kindly told to collect myself or pull myself together, but I just couldn’t – well temporarily I could, but that was it. I’m hurt, angry, frustrated, betrayed, beaten, broken, and bruised. I’ve had no time to lick my wounds and every time I think I begin to heal the scab just gets ripped off and salt pours in. My knuckles whiten as I hold on with a grip of fear and pain – but what am I holding on to? My sanity? My marriage? My life? My faith? It feels like a little bit of everything and little bit of nothing.

But I have found one answer amongst all of this. If everything fails – and I do mean everything, I know what I will choose to do. It will bring me far away from everything I have cultivated here, but closer to true and unconditional love. But this thought will remain in my back pocket and if it is meant to be it will be. Till then I must ride out this storm of emotional torment and confusion with the knowledge that one day I will wash ashore – battered, bruised, but well enough to heal.