Lost in a Wilderness of Pain and all the children are insane.
I am lost in this pain
I am a child who is insane
Why isn’t there some magical remedy to make this all go away?
This weekend I realized that I ignored him everywhere we went. But why is the big question? Am I afraid of what he’ll say? Afraid that the next conversation we have will only continue to break my heart? Another problem? Another issue? Another fault? More pain added to what I am already feeling? Questions abound but I cannot seem to find the answers no matter where I look.
So now I question – was he right to question my love for him? I thought I loved him, but do I really? If I loved him would I be acting so cold? But then again if he loved me would he be focusing on the negatives as much as he has been? How do I begin to love him the way I did when we first met? Then again do I question his love for me? It feels as if he is putting the salvation of this relationship completely on my shoulders. If he loved me how could he do that? When does he take responsibility for his actions that have contributed to us being in this place? Does he have to go out all night? Does he have to not answer my calls? Why does he not say “I Love You” when we say goodbye?
How the hell did we get here? And more importantly how the hell do we get back to where we were? We were the seemingly happy couple. Getting through our trials and tribulations – or so myself and everyone around us thought. Now we are in the throws of… of…. Pain and anguish, torture and emptiness, loneliness and isolation. So I cry tears that go unseen. I’m building a fortress out of my pain. And my heart continues to break as I continue to crumble behind these wall of tears.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
To Touch a Setting Sun
So once again doubt is rearing its ugly face and breaking my heart. I am going through the motions of being understanding and supportive and positive – yet inside I’m screaming.
Why all these questions? Why all the doubt? After all this time NOW it surfaces. As I am crumbling inside I want to take all this doubt and shove it down his throat. And then possibly kick the shit out of him, slash his tires, break his cell phone, and other destructive things. Ahh, but the good in me will always win out, and I will never pursue any of those secret desires because I know that they will achieve nothing. So instead, as I am confronted with the questions, I crumble inside and build walls around my heart.
What would I do? Haven’t I ever wondered? Wouldn’t I be happier? What if I can’t give what is needed? All these questions are posed, yet am I the right audience? Maybe he should look in a mirror and ask himself some of these questions. Maybe he should smash the mirror to get rid of the ugliness that has taken over his soul. Does he have a clue as to how this is affecting me? A part of me thinks that my feelings are not even a factor in this. As I’ve mentioned before it is difficult for me to vocalize my emotions, but I have been making a concerted effort to overcome this shortcoming. Yet conversations like the other night leave me feeling like my efforts are all for naught and that it is a waste of energy. When attempting to express myself, to put into words how his actions/words make me feel I am told that he doesn’t want to hear these things. The conversation quickly turns to a negative action that happened rather than looking at the positive outcome that transpired because of my efforts. Always focusing on the negative, and the positive is lost in what I see as selfishness.
How can one express their feelings when the other party is not open to hearing them? He is consumed by his emotions. He is holding himself flawless and sees how only I can make the difference. At least that is how I feel at times. But I still try to remain positive. I put up a front that I still have fight and a desire to work at this. Yet each day, each question, each sad look in his eyes, leaves me with nothing but pain as I try to touch a setting sun.
I’m lost. I am feeling emotionally battered and beaten. This constant questioning over the past 4 months is leaving me drained and depressed. I am feeling less sociable, less chipper, removed, unhappy, and …. And …. Losing my strength to fight, I am close to just giving in to whatever maybe. No teaching job – yet no desire to pursue one, and I mean really pound the pavement. Not registered for classes – again no desire to attempt to. A failing relationship – okay so I finally admit it, it’s falling apart and so am I.
Why all these questions? Why all the doubt? After all this time NOW it surfaces. As I am crumbling inside I want to take all this doubt and shove it down his throat. And then possibly kick the shit out of him, slash his tires, break his cell phone, and other destructive things. Ahh, but the good in me will always win out, and I will never pursue any of those secret desires because I know that they will achieve nothing. So instead, as I am confronted with the questions, I crumble inside and build walls around my heart.
What would I do? Haven’t I ever wondered? Wouldn’t I be happier? What if I can’t give what is needed? All these questions are posed, yet am I the right audience? Maybe he should look in a mirror and ask himself some of these questions. Maybe he should smash the mirror to get rid of the ugliness that has taken over his soul. Does he have a clue as to how this is affecting me? A part of me thinks that my feelings are not even a factor in this. As I’ve mentioned before it is difficult for me to vocalize my emotions, but I have been making a concerted effort to overcome this shortcoming. Yet conversations like the other night leave me feeling like my efforts are all for naught and that it is a waste of energy. When attempting to express myself, to put into words how his actions/words make me feel I am told that he doesn’t want to hear these things. The conversation quickly turns to a negative action that happened rather than looking at the positive outcome that transpired because of my efforts. Always focusing on the negative, and the positive is lost in what I see as selfishness.
How can one express their feelings when the other party is not open to hearing them? He is consumed by his emotions. He is holding himself flawless and sees how only I can make the difference. At least that is how I feel at times. But I still try to remain positive. I put up a front that I still have fight and a desire to work at this. Yet each day, each question, each sad look in his eyes, leaves me with nothing but pain as I try to touch a setting sun.
I’m lost. I am feeling emotionally battered and beaten. This constant questioning over the past 4 months is leaving me drained and depressed. I am feeling less sociable, less chipper, removed, unhappy, and …. And …. Losing my strength to fight, I am close to just giving in to whatever maybe. No teaching job – yet no desire to pursue one, and I mean really pound the pavement. Not registered for classes – again no desire to attempt to. A failing relationship – okay so I finally admit it, it’s falling apart and so am I.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Emotional Storm
Every few years or so I find myself lost, fumbling through the everyday, swallowing the melancholy and misery, and eventually I break out of it. There have been many catalysts that have left me lost – some tragedy or loved one’s death – but not this time. This time, another’s doubt and lack of faith have led me to this place.
I’m trying – Lord knows I’m trying – but this has to be one of the more difficult things I’ve had to do in my life. But I feel like every moment is a test – a test of my love, my faith, my intentions, my marriage, my life. Dramatic? Maybe a little. But I’m overwhelmed with these feelings.
This is all compounded by an interruption in my “master plan for my life”. I’m a damn Scorpio, we are planners because planning allows us a sense of control. We create a plan and then a plan B and plan C, as many alternate plans to accommodate for as many “what-ifs” we can think of. So my plan was to have finish school, get through my sister’s wedding, relax, have a teaching job by the end of June, get our finances back on track, and then contemplate having children. Well things didn’t quite happen that way. I did get through school and my sister’s wedding, and our finances are back on track. However, I do not have a teaching job – just the prospect of remaining here in hell for the benefits of understanding and freedom, never relaxed – instead dealt with another’s doubt, lack of faith, and my heart breaking, and never had a chance to contemplate children – partially due to the other person’s issues, lack of employment, and this new medical issue that I am awaiting more tests which will determine whether or not having children has been predetermined for me. Add to this an influx of hormones this month, lack of sleep, and working 10-12 hours a day, I think I officially broke down last night. It wasn’t necessarily the first break down this summer, but it was an uncontrollable, irrational, melt down.
The late nights, the seemingly secret cell phone calls and texts, the questions upon questions upon questions, the test of my patience and faith, and slowly the insanity is setting in.
I remain cool, calm, and collected on the exterior yet a storm is brewing inside. My heart is broken, my mind melting, and my emotions running like a freight train through my soul. Each day it becomes more difficult for me to keep it together. Last night I was kindly told to collect myself or pull myself together, but I just couldn’t – well temporarily I could, but that was it. I’m hurt, angry, frustrated, betrayed, beaten, broken, and bruised. I’ve had no time to lick my wounds and every time I think I begin to heal the scab just gets ripped off and salt pours in. My knuckles whiten as I hold on with a grip of fear and pain – but what am I holding on to? My sanity? My marriage? My life? My faith? It feels like a little bit of everything and little bit of nothing.
But I have found one answer amongst all of this. If everything fails – and I do mean everything, I know what I will choose to do. It will bring me far away from everything I have cultivated here, but closer to true and unconditional love. But this thought will remain in my back pocket and if it is meant to be it will be. Till then I must ride out this storm of emotional torment and confusion with the knowledge that one day I will wash ashore – battered, bruised, but well enough to heal.
I’m trying – Lord knows I’m trying – but this has to be one of the more difficult things I’ve had to do in my life. But I feel like every moment is a test – a test of my love, my faith, my intentions, my marriage, my life. Dramatic? Maybe a little. But I’m overwhelmed with these feelings.
This is all compounded by an interruption in my “master plan for my life”. I’m a damn Scorpio, we are planners because planning allows us a sense of control. We create a plan and then a plan B and plan C, as many alternate plans to accommodate for as many “what-ifs” we can think of. So my plan was to have finish school, get through my sister’s wedding, relax, have a teaching job by the end of June, get our finances back on track, and then contemplate having children. Well things didn’t quite happen that way. I did get through school and my sister’s wedding, and our finances are back on track. However, I do not have a teaching job – just the prospect of remaining here in hell for the benefits of understanding and freedom, never relaxed – instead dealt with another’s doubt, lack of faith, and my heart breaking, and never had a chance to contemplate children – partially due to the other person’s issues, lack of employment, and this new medical issue that I am awaiting more tests which will determine whether or not having children has been predetermined for me. Add to this an influx of hormones this month, lack of sleep, and working 10-12 hours a day, I think I officially broke down last night. It wasn’t necessarily the first break down this summer, but it was an uncontrollable, irrational, melt down.
The late nights, the seemingly secret cell phone calls and texts, the questions upon questions upon questions, the test of my patience and faith, and slowly the insanity is setting in.
I remain cool, calm, and collected on the exterior yet a storm is brewing inside. My heart is broken, my mind melting, and my emotions running like a freight train through my soul. Each day it becomes more difficult for me to keep it together. Last night I was kindly told to collect myself or pull myself together, but I just couldn’t – well temporarily I could, but that was it. I’m hurt, angry, frustrated, betrayed, beaten, broken, and bruised. I’ve had no time to lick my wounds and every time I think I begin to heal the scab just gets ripped off and salt pours in. My knuckles whiten as I hold on with a grip of fear and pain – but what am I holding on to? My sanity? My marriage? My life? My faith? It feels like a little bit of everything and little bit of nothing.
But I have found one answer amongst all of this. If everything fails – and I do mean everything, I know what I will choose to do. It will bring me far away from everything I have cultivated here, but closer to true and unconditional love. But this thought will remain in my back pocket and if it is meant to be it will be. Till then I must ride out this storm of emotional torment and confusion with the knowledge that one day I will wash ashore – battered, bruised, but well enough to heal.
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