Every morning on my way to and from work I am guaranteed to see this one sole wild turkey milling around people’s houses near a busy intersection by an elementary school – mind you this is the middle of an upper class suburban area. Most of these people have probably never seen a real live turkey, nevertheless have one as a resident.
I find this turkey to be hysterical. This poor guy has somehow wandered into this neighborhood and made it his home. How odd. I mean I thought turkeys liked to live with other turkeys, but not this guy. Sometimes he looks like someone’s lawn decoration because he is standing so perfectly still. Granted, this would be an odd lawn decoration. Pink Flamingos are strange and tacky enough, but who in their right mind would want a Lawn Turkey? Other times he is wandering around from house to house, corner to corner seemingly oblivious to the traffic light and cars around him. Cars honk, and he doesn’t even flinch. He just carries on with his business.
About a week ago I saw him laying on his side. I thought he was in trouble because it looked like he was struggling to get up. So what do I do? I call the local animal control and ask for them to make sure he was okay. Apparently he was preening himself and perfectly fine.
It’s not like I’ve never seen a live turkey. On my college campus there is a whole family of them. I even saw the head male turkey with his feathers all puffed out trying to attract the 7 or 8 females that were running around like crazy. They were fighting over who got to be closest to him, which made him hold his head higher. Yes, I’m a little special when it comes to wildlife. And yes, I sat there and watched this mating ritual for near a half an hour.
I’ve also been close up with several black bear, deer, raccoons, skunks, birds, and many others kinds of wildlife. But for some reason this turkey has managed to endear himself to my heart with his daily routine. Each time I see him, I smile, even giggle. As I’m writing this I can see him in mind’s eye walking with his head bobbing back and forth and knobby long legs carrying that large round body of his.
My little turkey friend loves his solitary life. He is perfectly happy with no one bothering him, sunbathing on the lawn, standing on the corner as if he is awaiting the crosswalk sign to change, and well just being a turkey. Maybe my adoration for him is his daily reminder to me about simplicity - To live life enjoying the moment, without a care, perfectly content with your surroundings, and just being. Maybe it is in this simplicity that I can see God smiling down on us, and trying to let us know that life can be this simple if we would only allow it to be.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Disillusionment of a TomBoy and her friend
There is this cable show called “My Boys” about a female sports writer who shares many the same interests as men and therefore has more male friends than females. I don’t think the show itself it great, but it is definitely a concept I can relate to.
I love sports and music. I like beer. I do not obsess about my nails, hair, waxing, weight, make-up, etc. I am more than happy waking up, taking a shower, throwing on jeans and a t-shirt and walking out the door with a wet head and no make-up or hair products. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an ugly fat hag either. I think I look like the girl next door with few extra pounds, but still a size 8. Okay, I digress.
My whole life I have had more male than female friends. I find men more open with their feelings – they like you or they don’t. I find it easier to be honest with men than women. You can tell a man that he’s being a jerk or a pig and he’s cool with it as long as you don’t harp on it. You tell a woman that and you must obviously hate her and have put yourself on her shit list. Granted – I am generalizing. I have female friends that, for the most part, don’t fit these generalizations as there are some men who stray from this as well.
I also find that I like a man’s emotional strength. I think it’s inspiring and moving. Maybe my Italian background has laid the foundation for my admiration of silent suffering, but a weak male is not attractive. Maybe it’s a primitive natural instinct to be attracted to a strong male as he is more likely to survive and therefore provide for his family, whereas the weak male is prone to struggle. So where am I going with all this male-female differences and such…… I have recently been bothered the actions and words of a close male friend of mine.
Over the years, many friends have come and gone in my life – for various reasons, good and bad. Those that have stayed close to me have been able to deal with my insanity, frankness, wild yet conservative, open yet reserved strong personality. And, well, they also haven’t pissed me off or betrayed me to a point where we couldn’t forgive and move on. Like I’ve said in previous blogs – I am not perfect! Nor do I expect those in my life to be perfect. My close friends and family, in my humble opinion, have their own personal strength which I admire and draw on from time to time.
There is this one close male friend “R”, whom I have known for years, that has recently begun to question my sincerity in our relationship. I have made an attempt to rectify some of my behaviors that have left “R” feeling neglected. Just when I began to think that things were reverting back to normal I’m confronted with R’s insecurities again. This time I realized that my disgust of his feelings is because I am seeing – for the first time – weakness and a lack of self confidence. R and I have formed a close tight bond over the years because we have provided each other with strength and inspiration to get through life’s difficulties. R has always been, as I have seen it, a strong man until recently.
There are many things going on in his life that would be overwhelming for anyone. He and his wife are struggling with their finances, he was just notified that there will be a change in his position within the next few months with a possibility of being let go due to downsizing, and he has a great desire to start a family but it has proven to be a bit of a struggle. But I have been taken aback by his faltering self confidence. R was always one to believe he could do anything. He had this rough tough city attitude of survival – he had set goals and was bound and determined to achieve them. At times a little support and nudging along the way were needed, but then again who doesn’t need that every so often. To see this strength fade bothers me more than I would have expected.
I am seeing R as a weak individual and I want to walk away. This is not in my nature. I usually am the one people come to in times of need and can be extremely supportive. I don’t understand why I am feeling this way with R. Well, I guess that’s not true. To the best of my ability I can identify the cause for this feeling as being disillusioned with his neediness.
The other thing that is bothering me with R is his marriage. His wife is a good person and I truly have no complaints about her. However he shared with me that they were not spending much time together due to both of their schedules and that after discussing this with her they agreed to try to spend more time with each other. He also shared with her that earlier in the year he was questioning their relationship and went out to dinner with another married woman. R claims nothing happened, and I have no reason to not believe him. But then he tells me these next few tidbits, and truthfully I can’t get them out of my head.
First, he tells me that his wife had plans to go out for a celebratory dinner with friends. These plans had been made months ago, and he was to join them. When the evening arrived he was exhausted and discovered there was a high probability that he would be the only guy there. So R and his wife agreed that he should stay home and rest. As it turned out, all the other men that were invited to this dinner cancelled and R would have been the only guy there. This made his wife feel better that they made this decision. As the night came to a close she drove home, not thinking to try and call him because he was hopefully resting. She walked into an empty house.
R had left no note – no message on the answering machine – no message on her cell phone – NOTHING. When she attempted to call his cell phone it went directly into voice mail. She left him a message to call her, which he did about 2 hours later.
R claims that a female friend of his had an emergency with water overflowing in her bathroom and no one else was able to help her. So R drove a half an hour to help her shut off the water and diagnose the problem to the best of his ability. When I questioned him as to why he had not left his wife a note as to where he was, R simply said that it all went down so fast and he had many phone calls to make along the way he was not able to call her. I asked him why his phone wasn’t on – because as many of know when it goes straight to voice mail this usually indicates that the phone is off. R claimed that the battery was low. (Yet, he has a car charger – hmmm????)
Now his wife, God Bless Her, asked the same questions. She calmly expressed her disappointment in his inability to leave her SOME kind of notification as to where he went and/or why. Bringing up the fact that if she had done this to him, R would have been irate he agreed and apologized. She also mentioned that this is not the first time he has done this. Several months ago a similar situation happened. R says that his mom had a friend whose car had broken down on the highway near his home and no one else could get to her in the pouring rain so his mom asked R to go help this girl. He got dressed and raced out the door, again leaving no note, no phone call, no nothing. His wife arrived home to see all the lights on, the TV on, yet no sign of her husband. She tried to call him, but he wasn’t answering his phone. She noticed the last 2 numbers on the caller ID and called them. One was to his friend, whom he had gotten off the phone with because his mom called. The next number was his mother’s. When the wife called his mom, she confirmed the story she would later hear from R. However, after going through this once, R failed to learn the lesson and repeats the same action. How is this supposed to help improve his marriage?
Then R tells me that one night he came home late, because one of the guys was unable to drive home and he offered to take him home – again about a half an hour away. He DID call his wife that night, so things were fine. Now he told me that he was going out with the same group of guys and that there was a high likeliness that he would have to drive this person home again. EXCEPT this time, he was thinking of staying over since he knew it was going to be a late night and because a friend of his that lives 10 minutes away from this person needed his dog walked the next day.
Doesn’t this all sound a bit fishy? If I was his wife, I would be feeing a bit mistrustful of all these stories and situations R keeps finding himself in. I might even start to wonder about where he actually is – who he is with – and what he is really doing. My heart is breaking for her. R wanted to try to fix a marriage he thought was in trouble, yet all I see him doing is causing more damage.
And this failure to improve on his flaws, this failure to see that his actions are not conducive with making his wife feel loved, and this decline in self confidence has led me to look at this long time friend through different eyes. I don’t like what I see. This is not the man that I once knew. But with patience that a friend like R has earned throughout our relationship, I will try to continue to be his friend and see him through this rough patch. I just hope that my view on him is not forever altered.
I love sports and music. I like beer. I do not obsess about my nails, hair, waxing, weight, make-up, etc. I am more than happy waking up, taking a shower, throwing on jeans and a t-shirt and walking out the door with a wet head and no make-up or hair products. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an ugly fat hag either. I think I look like the girl next door with few extra pounds, but still a size 8. Okay, I digress.
My whole life I have had more male than female friends. I find men more open with their feelings – they like you or they don’t. I find it easier to be honest with men than women. You can tell a man that he’s being a jerk or a pig and he’s cool with it as long as you don’t harp on it. You tell a woman that and you must obviously hate her and have put yourself on her shit list. Granted – I am generalizing. I have female friends that, for the most part, don’t fit these generalizations as there are some men who stray from this as well.
I also find that I like a man’s emotional strength. I think it’s inspiring and moving. Maybe my Italian background has laid the foundation for my admiration of silent suffering, but a weak male is not attractive. Maybe it’s a primitive natural instinct to be attracted to a strong male as he is more likely to survive and therefore provide for his family, whereas the weak male is prone to struggle. So where am I going with all this male-female differences and such…… I have recently been bothered the actions and words of a close male friend of mine.
Over the years, many friends have come and gone in my life – for various reasons, good and bad. Those that have stayed close to me have been able to deal with my insanity, frankness, wild yet conservative, open yet reserved strong personality. And, well, they also haven’t pissed me off or betrayed me to a point where we couldn’t forgive and move on. Like I’ve said in previous blogs – I am not perfect! Nor do I expect those in my life to be perfect. My close friends and family, in my humble opinion, have their own personal strength which I admire and draw on from time to time.
There is this one close male friend “R”, whom I have known for years, that has recently begun to question my sincerity in our relationship. I have made an attempt to rectify some of my behaviors that have left “R” feeling neglected. Just when I began to think that things were reverting back to normal I’m confronted with R’s insecurities again. This time I realized that my disgust of his feelings is because I am seeing – for the first time – weakness and a lack of self confidence. R and I have formed a close tight bond over the years because we have provided each other with strength and inspiration to get through life’s difficulties. R has always been, as I have seen it, a strong man until recently.
There are many things going on in his life that would be overwhelming for anyone. He and his wife are struggling with their finances, he was just notified that there will be a change in his position within the next few months with a possibility of being let go due to downsizing, and he has a great desire to start a family but it has proven to be a bit of a struggle. But I have been taken aback by his faltering self confidence. R was always one to believe he could do anything. He had this rough tough city attitude of survival – he had set goals and was bound and determined to achieve them. At times a little support and nudging along the way were needed, but then again who doesn’t need that every so often. To see this strength fade bothers me more than I would have expected.
I am seeing R as a weak individual and I want to walk away. This is not in my nature. I usually am the one people come to in times of need and can be extremely supportive. I don’t understand why I am feeling this way with R. Well, I guess that’s not true. To the best of my ability I can identify the cause for this feeling as being disillusioned with his neediness.
The other thing that is bothering me with R is his marriage. His wife is a good person and I truly have no complaints about her. However he shared with me that they were not spending much time together due to both of their schedules and that after discussing this with her they agreed to try to spend more time with each other. He also shared with her that earlier in the year he was questioning their relationship and went out to dinner with another married woman. R claims nothing happened, and I have no reason to not believe him. But then he tells me these next few tidbits, and truthfully I can’t get them out of my head.
First, he tells me that his wife had plans to go out for a celebratory dinner with friends. These plans had been made months ago, and he was to join them. When the evening arrived he was exhausted and discovered there was a high probability that he would be the only guy there. So R and his wife agreed that he should stay home and rest. As it turned out, all the other men that were invited to this dinner cancelled and R would have been the only guy there. This made his wife feel better that they made this decision. As the night came to a close she drove home, not thinking to try and call him because he was hopefully resting. She walked into an empty house.
R had left no note – no message on the answering machine – no message on her cell phone – NOTHING. When she attempted to call his cell phone it went directly into voice mail. She left him a message to call her, which he did about 2 hours later.
R claims that a female friend of his had an emergency with water overflowing in her bathroom and no one else was able to help her. So R drove a half an hour to help her shut off the water and diagnose the problem to the best of his ability. When I questioned him as to why he had not left his wife a note as to where he was, R simply said that it all went down so fast and he had many phone calls to make along the way he was not able to call her. I asked him why his phone wasn’t on – because as many of know when it goes straight to voice mail this usually indicates that the phone is off. R claimed that the battery was low. (Yet, he has a car charger – hmmm????)
Now his wife, God Bless Her, asked the same questions. She calmly expressed her disappointment in his inability to leave her SOME kind of notification as to where he went and/or why. Bringing up the fact that if she had done this to him, R would have been irate he agreed and apologized. She also mentioned that this is not the first time he has done this. Several months ago a similar situation happened. R says that his mom had a friend whose car had broken down on the highway near his home and no one else could get to her in the pouring rain so his mom asked R to go help this girl. He got dressed and raced out the door, again leaving no note, no phone call, no nothing. His wife arrived home to see all the lights on, the TV on, yet no sign of her husband. She tried to call him, but he wasn’t answering his phone. She noticed the last 2 numbers on the caller ID and called them. One was to his friend, whom he had gotten off the phone with because his mom called. The next number was his mother’s. When the wife called his mom, she confirmed the story she would later hear from R. However, after going through this once, R failed to learn the lesson and repeats the same action. How is this supposed to help improve his marriage?
Then R tells me that one night he came home late, because one of the guys was unable to drive home and he offered to take him home – again about a half an hour away. He DID call his wife that night, so things were fine. Now he told me that he was going out with the same group of guys and that there was a high likeliness that he would have to drive this person home again. EXCEPT this time, he was thinking of staying over since he knew it was going to be a late night and because a friend of his that lives 10 minutes away from this person needed his dog walked the next day.
Doesn’t this all sound a bit fishy? If I was his wife, I would be feeing a bit mistrustful of all these stories and situations R keeps finding himself in. I might even start to wonder about where he actually is – who he is with – and what he is really doing. My heart is breaking for her. R wanted to try to fix a marriage he thought was in trouble, yet all I see him doing is causing more damage.
And this failure to improve on his flaws, this failure to see that his actions are not conducive with making his wife feel loved, and this decline in self confidence has led me to look at this long time friend through different eyes. I don’t like what I see. This is not the man that I once knew. But with patience that a friend like R has earned throughout our relationship, I will try to continue to be his friend and see him through this rough patch. I just hope that my view on him is not forever altered.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Just Breathe
With each breath, I seek clarity. I seek answers to the questions that swirl through my mind like a tornado. Each breath is labored. Each breath is a reminder that I am at the mercy of my world. Each breath pains my heart, yet opens my mind. My senses are heightened yet dull. Emotions run to extremes – comfort and relaxed to uneasy and anxious. And then I find myself forgetting to breathe so the cycle begins again. A need for clarity, so a breath I force myself to take.
In a moment of comfort and relaxation I blurted out what should have been an inner-thought, “I feel weird.” The person with me asked me to explain what I meant, and I failed to find the words. I don’t know how to verbalize these feelings. They are so intense, yet fleeting. My friend wanted me to figure out what happened that made me feel “weird” in the hope that finding the source of the emotion would shed light on what to do with it. But the thing is there wasn’t just one event that has brought this on. It’s been a sequence of events in conjunction with the unknown.
Many years ago a part of my turned off a talent that was like an instinct. A talent that I have had for as long as I could remember. It was just a few weeks before September 11th, and I have yet to be able to redevelop it to the level it was at. I think a part of it is out of fear and another part is because it’s nice not having it interfere with everyday life. Lately, I have felt it returning and I don’t know if this “weird” feeling is part of it. I’m trying to differentiate if it’s personal confusion or the phoenix arising within.
So here I sit. Reminding myself to breath. Breathe for answers. Breathe for clarity. Breathe for change in my world. Breathe to keep my mind open. Breathe for anticipation of relief. Breathe for my life.
In a moment of comfort and relaxation I blurted out what should have been an inner-thought, “I feel weird.” The person with me asked me to explain what I meant, and I failed to find the words. I don’t know how to verbalize these feelings. They are so intense, yet fleeting. My friend wanted me to figure out what happened that made me feel “weird” in the hope that finding the source of the emotion would shed light on what to do with it. But the thing is there wasn’t just one event that has brought this on. It’s been a sequence of events in conjunction with the unknown.
Many years ago a part of my turned off a talent that was like an instinct. A talent that I have had for as long as I could remember. It was just a few weeks before September 11th, and I have yet to be able to redevelop it to the level it was at. I think a part of it is out of fear and another part is because it’s nice not having it interfere with everyday life. Lately, I have felt it returning and I don’t know if this “weird” feeling is part of it. I’m trying to differentiate if it’s personal confusion or the phoenix arising within.
So here I sit. Reminding myself to breath. Breathe for answers. Breathe for clarity. Breathe for change in my world. Breathe to keep my mind open. Breathe for anticipation of relief. Breathe for my life.
Monday, June 11, 2007
The Outside Looking In
It’s been a while. I guess I should play a quick game of catch-up before I go any further….
(1) Women’s Retreat – It was a great success. I found such strength and a new found look on my faith through each woman’s story. I was able to open up emotionally without the fear of being judged or having to defend my feelings. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do this, and it was a great feeling. The love letters I received from everyone were beautiful. I don’t mean this to sound conceded or anything – but even though I know I’m loved and I know that the things I do for others is appreciated, it’s always nice to hear. It’s rewarding to hear someone in their own words tell you about what kind of impact you have had on their life. It has been several months since the weekend and since I’ve seen all these wonderful, inspiring women in one place and I miss them greatly. To a certain extent I feel like I have ostrisized myself from them with the illusion of my “busy schedule”. Although I know that is not the case and that they would embrace me if I reached out, it is how I feel. Probably just a part of my emotional intelligence that has developed over the years, a fear of rejection, a fear of being viewed as a “user”, so I remain on the out skirts. And I guess this is what the theme of this blog will be.
(2) My Sister’s Wedding – The bridal shower was a great success, due mainly from the monetary generosity of the bride’s mother. Without whom it never would have happened. The bacholorette party was a success as well. A few issues as far as arriving in a timely fashion (about 1 hr late), but that’s what you get for trying to have 10 females and 2 gay men go out together. The wedding was beautiful. My sister looked gorgeous- as should every bride on their special day. Everyone in attendance seemed to have a good time with a few exceptions, but I won’t linger on their issues. However, once again I felt like I was on the outskirts of the day. At one point, even feeling like I was not wanted in a “family” picture. (She is not my biological sister, and some do not understand our relationship not the relationship I share with her immediate family. So pplhhhbbbbttt to them.) At any one of these events I did not feel like I was part of them. I felt like I was busy overseeing things and not socializing enough. You know, how are you? Are you enjoying yourself? Is there anything I can do to help? I was just there, doing what I needed to do and watching from outside the window.
(3) School – YEAH It’s OVER! Just awaiting my certification in the mail. I loved it! The kids were great – ok with their minor problems and quirks – but they were great. My CT wound being wonderful and a great teacher to me. The other faculty and staff were supportive and friendly too. However, I was still a student, and therefore and outsider. Even though I was privy to certain conversations, I was not in a position to contribute, comment, or question – just smile and nod, or give that intellectual look of “oh I see”. Again looking in from the outside.
(4) Return to the office – I have gone back to working more hours at the office again. And on one of my first days back it felt like I was walking into a familiar town that was in the process of being leveled and the old discarded. One day I spent my break in tears in my car. I felt so out of place, so unneeded, so bullied, so not a part of anymore. It hurt. I don’t know why, but it hurt. So here I am in the center of town, but encased in glass.
Recently, someone brought to my attention that they feel that I have been neglecting our friendship. Now this is someone I have known for a long time, and someone I have a deep connection with. It really hurt me to hear them say that were questioning my feelings towards them. I feel as if they have been privy to everything that has been going on, supportive of it, understanding of it, and realizing the sacrifices required in order to obtain my goal.
Although I still feel that there is effort that needs to be put forth from both of us, I am not so self centered that I was unable to hear what this person had to say about my actions. Okay, maybe a little hard headed, but not self centered or self righteous. As Socrates said, “A fool thinks he knows everything, but a wise man admits he knows nothing.” So I have analyzed some of this person’s criticisms and have come to the conclusion that I have a habit of emotionally removing myself from situations. It seems like whenever I become overloaded with things to do, I go on autopilot – I do what needs to be done. My self reflection reminded me of Adam Sandler’s movie “Click”. Whenever he wanted to accomplish something he fast forwarded the “tedious” actions of day to day living, and in turn shut people out. He kept his eye on the goal of a promotion, but turned his back on those closest to him. To a certain extent I feel like I have done that. The dilemma I now face is changing this behavior.
Oh sure one would think it’s easy now because all those time consuming events are completed. Which is true – but they have been replaced by others. I am searching for a new job for September, which requires much resolve and kissing up. Also, there is the small (sense the sarcasm?) financial problem. I never was eligible for unemployment, so we have been living on one income for the past several months. It is starting to catch up with us. Paying the mortgage each month has become a magic trick. Soon my husband’s paychecks will stop, as he is a school teacher and there is no school in the summer. So I am attempting to pick up the slack and have begun a part-time job. So where is the time for me? Where is the time for my mental health? For the positive growth in my relationships? For reestablishing what has been neglected? Where is the time to be able to stop looking through the window at my life, and to become an active part of it?
(1) Women’s Retreat – It was a great success. I found such strength and a new found look on my faith through each woman’s story. I was able to open up emotionally without the fear of being judged or having to defend my feelings. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to do this, and it was a great feeling. The love letters I received from everyone were beautiful. I don’t mean this to sound conceded or anything – but even though I know I’m loved and I know that the things I do for others is appreciated, it’s always nice to hear. It’s rewarding to hear someone in their own words tell you about what kind of impact you have had on their life. It has been several months since the weekend and since I’ve seen all these wonderful, inspiring women in one place and I miss them greatly. To a certain extent I feel like I have ostrisized myself from them with the illusion of my “busy schedule”. Although I know that is not the case and that they would embrace me if I reached out, it is how I feel. Probably just a part of my emotional intelligence that has developed over the years, a fear of rejection, a fear of being viewed as a “user”, so I remain on the out skirts. And I guess this is what the theme of this blog will be.
(2) My Sister’s Wedding – The bridal shower was a great success, due mainly from the monetary generosity of the bride’s mother. Without whom it never would have happened. The bacholorette party was a success as well. A few issues as far as arriving in a timely fashion (about 1 hr late), but that’s what you get for trying to have 10 females and 2 gay men go out together. The wedding was beautiful. My sister looked gorgeous- as should every bride on their special day. Everyone in attendance seemed to have a good time with a few exceptions, but I won’t linger on their issues. However, once again I felt like I was on the outskirts of the day. At one point, even feeling like I was not wanted in a “family” picture. (She is not my biological sister, and some do not understand our relationship not the relationship I share with her immediate family. So pplhhhbbbbttt to them.) At any one of these events I did not feel like I was part of them. I felt like I was busy overseeing things and not socializing enough. You know, how are you? Are you enjoying yourself? Is there anything I can do to help? I was just there, doing what I needed to do and watching from outside the window.
(3) School – YEAH It’s OVER! Just awaiting my certification in the mail. I loved it! The kids were great – ok with their minor problems and quirks – but they were great. My CT wound being wonderful and a great teacher to me. The other faculty and staff were supportive and friendly too. However, I was still a student, and therefore and outsider. Even though I was privy to certain conversations, I was not in a position to contribute, comment, or question – just smile and nod, or give that intellectual look of “oh I see”. Again looking in from the outside.
(4) Return to the office – I have gone back to working more hours at the office again. And on one of my first days back it felt like I was walking into a familiar town that was in the process of being leveled and the old discarded. One day I spent my break in tears in my car. I felt so out of place, so unneeded, so bullied, so not a part of anymore. It hurt. I don’t know why, but it hurt. So here I am in the center of town, but encased in glass.
Recently, someone brought to my attention that they feel that I have been neglecting our friendship. Now this is someone I have known for a long time, and someone I have a deep connection with. It really hurt me to hear them say that were questioning my feelings towards them. I feel as if they have been privy to everything that has been going on, supportive of it, understanding of it, and realizing the sacrifices required in order to obtain my goal.
Although I still feel that there is effort that needs to be put forth from both of us, I am not so self centered that I was unable to hear what this person had to say about my actions. Okay, maybe a little hard headed, but not self centered or self righteous. As Socrates said, “A fool thinks he knows everything, but a wise man admits he knows nothing.” So I have analyzed some of this person’s criticisms and have come to the conclusion that I have a habit of emotionally removing myself from situations. It seems like whenever I become overloaded with things to do, I go on autopilot – I do what needs to be done. My self reflection reminded me of Adam Sandler’s movie “Click”. Whenever he wanted to accomplish something he fast forwarded the “tedious” actions of day to day living, and in turn shut people out. He kept his eye on the goal of a promotion, but turned his back on those closest to him. To a certain extent I feel like I have done that. The dilemma I now face is changing this behavior.
Oh sure one would think it’s easy now because all those time consuming events are completed. Which is true – but they have been replaced by others. I am searching for a new job for September, which requires much resolve and kissing up. Also, there is the small (sense the sarcasm?) financial problem. I never was eligible for unemployment, so we have been living on one income for the past several months. It is starting to catch up with us. Paying the mortgage each month has become a magic trick. Soon my husband’s paychecks will stop, as he is a school teacher and there is no school in the summer. So I am attempting to pick up the slack and have begun a part-time job. So where is the time for me? Where is the time for my mental health? For the positive growth in my relationships? For reestablishing what has been neglected? Where is the time to be able to stop looking through the window at my life, and to become an active part of it?
Friday, June 01, 2007
In Limbo
Love.
Betrayal.
Pain.
Lost in confusion.
Solitude desired.
Solitude achieved.
Cursed solitude.
The big picture lost in the blindness of loneliness.
Wounded by words.
Armor of detached emotions invoked.
Enveloped in the darkness of childhood memories.
Anguish revisited.
Child fears grow into adult nightmares.
No where to run.
Tears for faith lost.
Dreams melt in the heat of the summer.
In limbo she waits.
In limbo she questions all that surrounds her.
In limbo she prays for grace.
In limbo she prays for patience.
In limbo she prays for love.
Hope cries in the silence.
Betrayal.
Pain.
Lost in confusion.
Solitude desired.
Solitude achieved.
Cursed solitude.
The big picture lost in the blindness of loneliness.
Wounded by words.
Armor of detached emotions invoked.
Enveloped in the darkness of childhood memories.
Anguish revisited.
Child fears grow into adult nightmares.
No where to run.
Tears for faith lost.
Dreams melt in the heat of the summer.
In limbo she waits.
In limbo she questions all that surrounds her.
In limbo she prays for grace.
In limbo she prays for patience.
In limbo she prays for love.
Hope cries in the silence.
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