Sentimental Tears for a Dear Friend

In my junior year of high school this crazy blonde haired girl moved to my town from California. The first time we met she was on the back of the bus being all loud and laughing with her long hair. I was instantly intrigued. How our first conversation began I can’t remember, but a beautiful friendship blossomed.

For the next two years we were inseparable. Although I can’t forget the third amiga, she was an integral part of the mix as well however being a bit more conservative than us there were certain activities she opted not to participate in. California and I were in theatre, marching band, and the church youth group together. We shared clothes, shoes, drinks, and even men. We were two young girls a bit lost and bewildered by the insanity of the world. We were trying to discover who we were and fighting the peer pressure to conform to the norm. We didn’t “fit in” to a particular group. We weren’t preps, or burnouts, or punks, or nerds, and definitely not jocks. We wore tie-dye listened to all kinds of music from classic rock to Madonna to classical to Broadway. We read poetry and classic literature. We would even spend our summers hiking through the state park.

We partied, and partied hard sometimes. During one of these momentous times, we synced up the Doors Morrison Hotel album (yes I do mean vinyl) to Disney’s original Fantasia – pretty freaky. We even decided to build a shrine to Jim Morrison on my front lawn out of leaves, grass, and anything else that was biodegradable. The Doors were blasting from my house and we were on the front lawn trying to hold on to stop ourselves from falling off the earth. (This would have been one of those times the third amiga came over to hang out with us and decided that she didn’t want to be there. Probably a good choice too.) There were the “Boomers” and that night in the hot tub when it began to snow. The time when we scheduled which day we were to be with “our” boyfriend. We were a lethal pair; any man that got in the way of this Leo-Scorpio team would either be in heaven or perish.

My other friends were wonderful, especially the two who are probably going to read this, but my relationship with each of them was a little different. They were both more reserved (which probably saved my life at certain times), not very into the dating scene (both dated 2 different guys in HS that later came out of the closet), not into rock and roll as much as I, and both had the responsibility of younger siblings and overbearing mothers. I love them both, they have been my solid foundation through many difficult times, and I know they would support me through ANYTHING. But at this crucial time in my life California was the only girl who I could relate to on certain levels. She was more open to exploring different areas of life and we feed off of each other when it came to this. (Well isn’t that a nice poetic way of putting it.)

When I left for college our relationship began to change. She was a senior in HS and I a freshman in college. Two very different experiences. Two very different needs and ideas of support. We managed to keep in touch during the fall semester – hours on the phone, men driving us around, and more. Then I had a major pitfall in life that January. We still kept in touch, but I was in a much different place and she was developing friendships with people I did not care for. After the spring HS musical the phone calls got less and less. And then one day they just stopped. There was no reason for this other than we were just growing apart. Our lives were beginning down a path that we were meant to travel without each other.

About five years later we ran into each in town. The conversation was brief and awkward. But not in a bad way, just in a “hey haven’t seen you in years where the hell do we start.” We talked for a few minutes and then parted.

Just last summer I became addicted to one of those websites that you can have your own personal web page for free and keep in touch with your friends. California was on there and somehow or another we found each other. She was purging her life of people and things that were not positive influences for her. I was in a reminiscing mode and thinking about certain people that were once important in my life during my younger years, wishing and hoping that I could make contact with some of them. I wanted to know where life had taken them and possibly have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness from some.

At first we were both a bit hesitant to “get to know each other” again. I guess we weren’t sure how the other was going to respond or feel, so we kept things to e-mail at first. Then we spoke on the phone, and this was a marathon conversation. It was pretty amazing that first conversation, for 10 years had passed yet it was like only a day or two. I had maintained my friendships with the third amiga and other conservative friend, and when I told them California and I were talking they had their reservations. They ultimately kept open minds and realized that none of us were 17 anymore.

The first night we hung out was great. We drank limoncello and wine and talked and talked and talked and talked. A short time passed and we went to see a local band play. We did shots, shook our asses, and laughed all night. My husband said he hadn’t seen me have fun like that in a long time. Plus since I was in such a good mood he got lucky – and it was wild.

California and my relationship began to blossom again. She reminded me how important it was to spend time with friends, something I had forgotten with hectic northeast lifestyle. We laughed. We cried. We kayaked. We helped get rid of an ex. We were material girls. We were rocking in the free world. We sang about Bad Medicine. We brought sexy back. We sat in silence. And then she told me she was moving south.

I don’t know what came over me, but I’ve been having a terrible time with this – more so than I would like to admit. See I’m supposed to be strong, thick skinned, have a solution for everything, yet every time I think about her leaving I feel weepy. Not to sound like a little kid, but it’s not fair. How could she come back into my life after 10 years only to be taken away from me again? I know this is not easy for her. I know she may not have been ready for this at this time. I know this affects more than just me, but this is my blog and these are my feelings. I’m starting to come to terms with this, but not really.

The 3 amigas went out for a farewell dinner with California and her cousin. We had a blast things were great until it was time to leave. As we hugged she began to cry. My damn Scorpio exterior held her tight, but allowed no tears to fall. I didn’t want to let her go. I don’t ever want to let her go. I don’t want her to be so far away. I like knowing that she is close by, we’ve been too far away from each other for too long. Her mere presence has helped me to begin to remember who I am, to find that damn inner strength I used to flaunt with ease. I am scared to loose her again.

So she walked out the door the other night, and I began to cry. I’m actually crying right now – at work while I’m writing this, just fantastic.

I wish her all the best. I know this is just another turn in the road of life and I have faith that since we have found each other again after all this time and since we have a new found love and respect for our friendship that we will not lose touch with each other. But I just can’t help but feel the pain of loss. (Damn it crying again)

California – I’m sorry that I haven’t expressed this to you sooner be it in any form of communication. It’s just taken me so long to admit to myself how I was feeling and you know how difficult it is for me verbalize my feelings. I love you very much and wish there was a way for you to stay here with us. Please know that no matter what I am here for you. I even can be as bold as to speak for the third amiga and your cousin and your brother and say WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU. If you need anything please let us know. You are a beautiful ray of sunshine in all our lives. We are blessed to be warmed by your love and laughter. Thank you for being you. I love you.