Quicksand

Sometimes walking on quicksand is easier to maintain before you realize its quicksand.

It’s been a long dark tea-time of the soul, as my husband would say.  Astrologically, my natal Uranus is opposed by the transiting Uranus, which will happen 3 times because Uranus goes retrograde this year.

Another's jealousy and insecurity led to me losing a job for the first time in my life!  A job where I was beloved by the former principal, co-workers (well most of them), parents, and students.  A job where my children were just starting to call it home and now had to be ripped from it.  A job where I was making sacrifices just to be there.  A job, that was not appreciated by the new administrator.  Instigated by others, letting fear and jealousy led her, she invited a new employee to come and substitute and gave her a tour of the school.  She chose on Teacher Appreciation Day, after an assembly where teachers received an appreciation award from the parent association and a week after receiving a regional teacher award, she called me in her office with the pastor and terminated my position.  They exercised their will of an “at-will” contract, with a list that was menial and all resolved, and a few lies in there too.

So I move forward.  My heart broken, filled with anger, and mourning what I had lost.  What WE had lost.  But I move forward.   Door opened for another job, but the room was dimly lit and unfamiliar.  I walked through the threshold and turned on the lights.  I learned something new and succeeded.  As my brief time was coming to a close, another door opened in the same dimly light school.  Death came knocking and I served him dinner.  Through this woman’s death I was given another job.  A pay cut, but a job. 

Although I was embraced by the students and parents, I still walk on the outside of a disgruntled faculty.  Each day I am reminded how I am different, how I don’t fit here, how I am not as miserable as those around me.  Every morning I force myself to find the light and make it through another day.  My children cry as I leave in the morning, as they desire our old life back too.  I walk with my head down through the hallways feeling like an outsider.  Given the opportunity to do something creative, I rise to the occasion and am greeted with the grousing of the faculty.  So my shoulders slump a bit more, and my eyes twinkle a little less. 

The culture here is not my culture.  The culture is either you are in or you are out, you are with us or you are not, you should fear the leader and go to subordinates, you are to complain and complain and complain but never find a resolution.  This is not me.  I feel so lost, so smothered, like someone is trying to put out my light.  I want to run.  I want to scream.  I want to stay in bed.  But mostly, I want to be me.

This has been my quicksand.  With a daily fight to keep moving forward.  Then I had a show.

Ahh, the elation of a show is something that I always find hard to explain.  People think I’m odd if they don’t know what I’m talking about.  The sheer joy of 20-50 thousand people coming together to celebrate life, to share a commonality, to elevate their hearts and souls – there is nothing like it.  It’s been a year since I had a show, and about 2 since I had one like this. It was perfect.  The music.  The venue on the river.  The cool early summer breeze.  The sparkling sky.  The refreshing rain.  The people.  The beautiful people.  I didn’t want it to end. 

For one night, I was not walking on quicksand.  I was reminded of what life is about.  Who I am.  What my soul needs.  What we all need.  John Lennon was right, “all we need is love”.

Then the next day and the next day and the next day. I moved forward, but now I realize I am walking in quicksand.  Now I feel myself starting to sink.  I keep trying to pull myself up and move forward, but I just keep feeling myself sinking.  I see many trees, yet the forest is too thick.  I see glimmers of light, but night is setting fast.  The quicksand is getting thicker.  I will still try to move forward. 

I

will

try.