Distance

The window reflects my mind

Thunderstorm aftermath

Dreariness of hidden light

The rain washed nothing

Joy sits in my lap

my heart removed

Emotions tap silently

Darkness tingles

Kindness a habit

Steps like rain on saturated ground

Futile

Sinking without progression

hope lies in my arms

This Place of Grey

In this place of grey
 I fight to bathe in the light
The cloud of fear
 Expands and contrasts
Never bursting
 It lingers
It looms
It shades my reflection
Moving across my face
Hiding the darkness
Illuminating the sadness
Moments of laughter
 Moments of joy I
try to hold on
I try to embrace
 I try to feel
But the cloud just lingers
 The cloud just looms
A spectator I become
Wanting to laugh
So the actor takes the stage
 In this place of grey
The white becomes black
The black becomes white
As the rain falls
I bleed grey
Watching my life move
Without a starring role
With the cloud always lingering
With the cloud always looming
My place has become
This place of grey

Sleeping dreams

As the sun kisses the new horizon Dreams bask on the shore and flourish into passions Stretching and reaching for the rays of love The star's warmth embraces its growth As the days light sets The once illuminated dream enters its dusk Time to rest A dormant heart Will the dream awake? Did it ever truly sleep?

Adieu, Je t'apprécie vraiment

As the year comes to an end, my thoughts are naturally brought to the events that have passed. Today, they drift to those who are on the horizon of my life’s vision. Over the last 5 years life has gone down an unchartered path for me. Over 15 years of memories and hopes were outgrown and packed away in storage bins. But the people, the people, they cannot be so easily stored away. Throughout life you have friends, acquaintances, co-workers, family, and even a few crazies that seem to drift in and out like the rising tide. This last year seems to have more people sailing into the horizon as I watch from the shore. Some may say that is the opposite, I am sailing and they are ashore, however I refrain from that thought for the moment. Many days of laughter and tears, shenanigans and fears, have come and gone. It is only logical that with certain major life changes, some people will sail to another port and new face appear. For a few, it is a bitter-sweet farewell, while others are more of a good riddance. However, there are some that you never thought would go. They would always be there, I mean you were always there for each other nothing could break the bond weaved with shared experiences. Yet, I see them drifting away. It saddens me to watch them turn into shadows of days past. I want to hold on, but my immediate needs keep me bound to nothing more tan a text, which is often not returned. So as I embrace the new year with family and friends, I bid to those adieu. Forever in my heart you will remain and a day for reminiscing will remain on my calendar for us. I wish you could be here with me in 2013, but it does not seem to be in the cards. Please know that I love you and will be here upon your visit home.

The End

In truth, I don’t want to dwell on all the events of the last 3 years, but in order to understand the present I must revisit the past. Please forgive me if it’s short, choppy, or missing a few details. Somethings I have chosen to forget, others are neatly packed away and stored in order for me to heal. Shortly after my last post, my world officially exploded. My now ex-husband (that should serve as a bit of foreshadowing) continued to stay out with varying reasons as to why he “needed to” or “couldn’t come home”. The turning point was a Sunday night in May. He had a gig playing a dinner dance with a local ethnic organization. I was invited to go, but encouraged not to because everyone would be speaking a language that I didn’t understand and I may not be comfortable. Being that I was just getting over walking pneumonia I was still not feeling 100 percent and stayed home. The event was to start at 4:00PM, he left at 1:00PM. This was not highly unusual since there is set up time involved when playing a gig. So he packed the car and off he went. Around 9PM he texted me to say that he was staying a little longer since he was relaxed and having a good time. I really wanted him to come home. I texted him back saying that I missed him, but it didn’t change anything. Around 11PM I began to text him again to find our when he would be headed home, but no response. Finally, at 11:30 he calls me from the local bar … “I’m meeting our friend here for a beer. I don’t think I should be driving home. Maybe you could come get me? But I’m not that far. Oh, is that our friend over there? Never mind, it’s late you don’t have to come and get me. Hi, friend…” click. I tried to get in a word. I tried to tell him that I would come get him. I tried to tell him I would come even after he had one more. I tried to agree with him that if he felt he shouldn’t drive then I should come. I tried. The next call I got was at 1:30AM. He was calling from the county sheriff’s department to tell me he had car trouble and he needed me to come and get him. Before I could get specifics of exactly where he was, he hung up. I was hesitant to call the number on the caller ID because – well - it was the sheriff’s office, so I called his cell phone. It went into voice mail. Then I called the sheriff’s office, but an answering machine picked up. I called the friend he met up with for some insight, but the last he saw him was leaving the bar. As I drove to the sheriff’s office I continued to call his cell and the sheriff’s number, but to no avail. I knew that the story of “car trouble” was not true because if that was the case why wouldn’t have the sheriff just driven him home after having the car towed? Also, why wasn’t he answering his cell phone? Why didn’t he call from his cell phone? When I arrived at the sheriff’s the main entrance was dark. I drove around the building, but saw no other public entrance. I drove back, and often continued to call his cell and the sheriff’s. Shortly after I arrived home, the house phone rang. He was asking if I was on my way. I explained what I had just been through for the last hour and that I had no idea if I was even at the correct sheriff’s office since there seemed to be no entrance. The sheriff’s officer got on the phone and told me where I could enter to pick him up. At a quarter to 3 in the morning, I am greeted by the officer at the sheriff’s department. My ex-husband is sitting at another officer’s desk just chatting up a storm about his gig and how he played at a recent fundraiser for the sheriff. Immediately, my fears are confirmed. He was arrested for a DUI. As he said hello to me and asked me not to be mad, I could smell the alcohol. Every pore in his body reeked of the rum, beer, tequila, and Lord knows what else. The officer pulled me into another room to explain the events that led to his arrest and the legality and responsibility of me signing a release form to take him home. He was stopped about a half mile from home for speeding 10 miles over the speed limit in a school zone, once he began to speak the officer asked him to step out of the car and proceeded to perform a sobriety test. After he failed the test, a breathalyzer was administered, it registered 1.6. The officers arrested him, impounded the car, and administered 2 more breathalyzers back at the station. Those tests registered 1.4 and 1.1 respectively. “So, Officer, what happens if I refuse to sign and accept responsibility for him?” “He stays in jail overnight and is released on his own recognizance after 24 hours from the time of the arrest.” In all honesty, I seriously considered letting him stay in jail overnight. I was furious. Livid. Distraught. And the writing on the wall turned into a neon sign. But I was a good wife, I took him home. He wanted to talk about it on the way home, but I refused to discuss it because I knew that anything we talked about would be forgotten because he was so intoxicated. When we arrived home I told him that we would talk when I got home from school. I told him that this was either going to make or break our marriage, his decisions had brought us to this impasse and were going to be the determining factors in its outcome. In an attempt to control my anger I proceeded to establish that he was not in a school zone when the original offense occurred and that he should call a lawyer when he woke up later that day. I got an hour of sleep and went to school. Exhausted and working on pure adrenaline I forged my way through the school day, then on to my second job the after care program until 6PM. When I arrived home he was angry because I was “late” and we needed to get to the impound before 7 otherwise he would have to wait until the following day to get his car. So, under extremely stressful conditions I drove to the impound where we paid nearly $200 to have the car released and then went home. He thanked me for my patience the night before and agreed that this was a crossroads in our relationship. He told me that he had been questioning his love for me and my lack of ability to put “us” before “me”. He felt like I was turning into someone he didn’t know. He said he was unsure of what he wanted, and his friends from the school where he worked – the 25 year olds that had never been married – were telling him that since he was that unhappy he should get a divorce. I don’t know where the grace came from, but it overcame me rather than the anger and betrayal I was feeling. I calmly explained to him that I was the one at home trying to live up to his expectations. I had been trying to meet his needs of dinner cooked, laundry done, house work done, planning romantic outings, and the like. The problem was that he was never home nor consistent in his schedule or desires. I suggested counseling. I suggested a couples retreat. I suggested more date nights. I suggested coming home every night rather than staying out with his friends who drank and always managed to keep his mind off time and out later than he expected only to ultimately offer their couch for him to sleep on. None of these were acceptable. According to him none of these would help our marriage. I told him that all there was left for me to do was to pray that the counseling he would need to undergo for the DUI would help him to see the poor decisions he had been making over the last 2 years. I prayed that it would help him to see how his choices to stay out and drink with friends was affecting our marriage. I prayed that he would see that I was a good wife, that the problems we were facing were not insurmountable if he could only meet me half way in tackling them. His court date came and went. He lost his license for a few months and didn’t register for his counseling until late August. In July, we had another heart to heart. He said he was in the marriage all the way and was going to work on it. Then about 3 days later it was a summer morning. I reached over to touch him and recoiled in his sleep. I got in my car and drove to the state park. I sat in my car and prayed for guidance as to how best handle the situation. That little internal voice spoke up, “Ask him is he willing to work on this marriage or not.” So with tears in my eyes, fearing his answer, I mustered up the strength and went home to ask. My world crashed around me as he said that he was no longer willing to work at it and wanted a divorce. “Make sure that’s what you really want, because if it is once the process begins and those papers are signed there is no going back. It’s over forever and you might as well be dead to me.” I won’t even begin to go through the reasons that he listed, which of course were my fault and taking very little responsibility for himself. Don’t get me wrong he took the responsibility for letting it drag out so long, but that’s about where it ended. He remained in the house for the next 3 months until I told him I couldn’t take being under the same roof with him. I spent more nights in the grocery store parking lot than I care to count. I have never felt pain so deep. My heart truly broke. Next…. Let the Healing Begin

Time Keeps on Slipping

Wow! It's been forever, but I finally found my way back into my blog --- MUCH MUCH MUCH has changed. I will try to get back soon and fill in for the last 3 years. Stay Tuned!!!!

Priorities & Choices

I know it's been a while - but I'm back.

WTF! 2 years of this bullshit and we are still hashing over the same crap.

So here's tonight's latest bullshit.

I've been sick for almost 2 weeks with bronchitis. My principal told me to stay home from school today. I've been resting and home alone ALL DAY.

He texts me around 5:30 to see how I am and that he is going out for dinner and drinks with co-workers because they had a crazy day. I don't hear back from him until 10PM. At that point I was tired of being home alone and depressed and crying because I feel like once again he is running away from me. I decided to take a drive, wound up at the food and video store.

He texted me during this and was seemingly annoyed that I was out. Eventually he called me, said I didn't sound good, and was dealing with 2 drunk people. He wanted me to go home and sleep, but my meds are making sleeping difficult so I was getting a movie.

I finally hear from him again at 1:00AM. He is still with the 2 drunk people. He says he is going to take them home - so I cut him off at the pass. "Where is home? 2 hours away? Are you going to get there and decided you are too tired to drive home and stay over?" Of course, I was right that was exactly what was going to happen.If he doesn't stay over he would HAVE to get up in the morning to pick them up to bring them back to their cars. WHAT? If you're going to bring them home let them put their tail between their legs and find a relative or friend bring them to their cars in the morning. Again this is not his responsibility. He got defensive talking about how he didn't want to fight with me cause he's been fighting with people all day. I told him that I was not trying to fight with him, but I was not happy and upset about the situation that he has gotten himself in again.

What type of people are they who allow themselves to get so drunk they can't drive? How irresponsible. Who do they think he is by taking advantage of his good nature and knowing that he would feel obligated to take care of them. Also, how did this wind up being his responsibility. He knew they were drunk at 10PM, he could have made different choices throughout the entire evening that would have kept him out of this situation.

(1) He could have come after dinner to his sick wife. (but he got stuck watching the game)
(2) He could have asked me if I wanted to watch the game with him, whether at home or out. He says that I never expressed interest in the game and that I said I was tired and not well. Regardless, he never thought of me.
(3) He could have left at 10PM when he knew I was already sad and they were already drunk.
(4) He could drop them off at the hotel across the street where they could get a room and deal with their idiocy by themselves and he could come home.

Then he wants to tell me not to get upset or to be angry. HOW CAN I NOT? First, I gave him very logical options of things he could have done and could still do. But to ask me to not get upset? THat is assinine (sp). I should be his priority. I should be the one he is taking care of - NOT this morons. This is not the first time he has been in this position. And the bottom line is that it is a position that he has ALLOWED himself to be in.

WHere are his priorities? His wife or these immature irresponsible people? What was he thinking when he was making these choices? I know what he wasn't thinking about - me, his wife. How is this supposed to make me feel? How am I supposed to react? To me his actions prove that he does not care about me, and he really doesn't love me. I mean what else does this pan out to be? How else would this make me feel? This is not right. This is just wrong. I want to pound his head in. I want to beat the shit out of him. When do I get to be taken care of? When I do become a priority? When does your decision making process include thinking about me and my feelings?

Now 1:30AM he is coming home. Maybe he dropped the ho-bags off at a hotel or left them sleeping in their car.