Tuesday, June 12, 2012
The End
In truth, I don’t want to dwell on all the events of the last 3 years, but in order to understand the present I must revisit the past. Please forgive me if it’s short, choppy, or missing a few details. Somethings I have chosen to forget, others are neatly packed away and stored in order for me to heal.
Shortly after my last post, my world officially exploded. My now ex-husband (that should serve as a bit of foreshadowing) continued to stay out with varying reasons as to why he “needed to” or “couldn’t come home”. The turning point was a Sunday night in May. He had a gig playing a dinner dance with a local ethnic organization. I was invited to go, but encouraged not to because everyone would be speaking a language that I didn’t understand and I may not be comfortable. Being that I was just getting over walking pneumonia I was still not feeling 100 percent and stayed home. The event was to start at 4:00PM, he left at 1:00PM. This was not highly unusual since there is set up time involved when playing a gig. So he packed the car and off he went. Around 9PM he texted me to say that he was staying a little longer since he was relaxed and having a good time. I really wanted him to come home. I texted him back saying that I missed him, but it didn’t change anything. Around 11PM I began to text him again to find our when he would be headed home, but no response.
Finally, at 11:30 he calls me from the local bar … “I’m meeting our friend here for a beer. I don’t think I should be driving home. Maybe you could come get me? But I’m not that far. Oh, is that our friend over there? Never mind, it’s late you don’t have to come and get me. Hi, friend…” click.
I tried to get in a word. I tried to tell him that I would come get him. I tried to tell him I would come even after he had one more. I tried to agree with him that if he felt he shouldn’t drive then I should come. I tried.
The next call I got was at 1:30AM. He was calling from the county sheriff’s department to tell me he had car trouble and he needed me to come and get him. Before I could get specifics of exactly where he was, he hung up. I was hesitant to call the number on the caller ID because – well - it was the sheriff’s office, so I called his cell phone. It went into voice mail. Then I called the sheriff’s office, but an answering machine picked up. I called the friend he met up with for some insight, but the last he saw him was leaving the bar. As I drove to the sheriff’s office I continued to call his cell and the sheriff’s number, but to no avail.
I knew that the story of “car trouble” was not true because if that was the case why wouldn’t have the sheriff just driven him home after having the car towed? Also, why wasn’t he answering his cell phone? Why didn’t he call from his cell phone?
When I arrived at the sheriff’s the main entrance was dark. I drove around the building, but saw no other public entrance. I drove back, and often continued to call his cell and the sheriff’s. Shortly after I arrived home, the house phone rang. He was asking if I was on my way. I explained what I had just been through for the last hour and that I had no idea if I was even at the correct sheriff’s office since there seemed to be no entrance. The sheriff’s officer got on the phone and told me where I could enter to pick him up.
At a quarter to 3 in the morning, I am greeted by the officer at the sheriff’s department. My ex-husband is sitting at another officer’s desk just chatting up a storm about his gig and how he played at a recent fundraiser for the sheriff. Immediately, my fears are confirmed. He was arrested for a DUI. As he said hello to me and asked me not to be mad, I could smell the alcohol. Every pore in his body reeked of the rum, beer, tequila, and Lord knows what else. The officer pulled me into another room to explain the events that led to his arrest and the legality and responsibility of me signing a release form to take him home.
He was stopped about a half mile from home for speeding 10 miles over the speed limit in a school zone, once he began to speak the officer asked him to step out of the car and proceeded to perform a sobriety test. After he failed the test, a breathalyzer was administered, it registered 1.6. The officers arrested him, impounded the car, and administered 2 more breathalyzers back at the station. Those tests registered 1.4 and 1.1 respectively.
“So, Officer, what happens if I refuse to sign and accept responsibility for him?”
“He stays in jail overnight and is released on his own recognizance after 24 hours from the time of the arrest.”
In all honesty, I seriously considered letting him stay in jail overnight. I was furious. Livid. Distraught. And the writing on the wall turned into a neon sign.
But I was a good wife, I took him home. He wanted to talk about it on the way home, but I refused to discuss it because I knew that anything we talked about would be forgotten because he was so intoxicated. When we arrived home I told him that we would talk when I got home from school. I told him that this was either going to make or break our marriage, his decisions had brought us to this impasse and were going to be the determining factors in its outcome. In an attempt to control my anger I proceeded to establish that he was not in a school zone when the original offense occurred and that he should call a lawyer when he woke up later that day. I got an hour of sleep and went to school.
Exhausted and working on pure adrenaline I forged my way through the school day, then on to my second job the after care program until 6PM. When I arrived home he was angry because I was “late” and we needed to get to the impound before 7 otherwise he would have to wait until the following day to get his car. So, under extremely stressful conditions I drove to the impound where we paid nearly $200 to have the car released and then went home. He thanked me for my patience the night before and agreed that this was a crossroads in our relationship. He told me that he had been questioning his love for me and my lack of ability to put “us” before “me”. He felt like I was turning into someone he didn’t know. He said he was unsure of what he wanted, and his friends from the school where he worked – the 25 year olds that had never been married – were telling him that since he was that unhappy he should get a divorce. I don’t know where the grace came from, but it overcame me rather than the anger and betrayal I was feeling.
I calmly explained to him that I was the one at home trying to live up to his expectations. I had been trying to meet his needs of dinner cooked, laundry done, house work done, planning romantic outings, and the like. The problem was that he was never home nor consistent in his schedule or desires. I suggested counseling. I suggested a couples retreat. I suggested more date nights. I suggested coming home every night rather than staying out with his friends who drank and always managed to keep his mind off time and out later than he expected only to ultimately offer their couch for him to sleep on. None of these were acceptable. According to him none of these would help our marriage. I told him that all there was left for me to do was to pray that the counseling he would need to undergo for the DUI would help him to see the poor decisions he had been making over the last 2 years. I prayed that it would help him to see how his choices to stay out and drink with friends was affecting our marriage. I prayed that he would see that I was a good wife, that the problems we were facing were not insurmountable if he could only meet me half way in tackling them.
His court date came and went. He lost his license for a few months and didn’t register for his counseling until late August. In July, we had another heart to heart. He said he was in the marriage all the way and was going to work on it. Then about 3 days later it was a summer morning. I reached over to touch him and recoiled in his sleep. I got in my car and drove to the state park. I sat in my car and prayed for guidance as to how best handle the situation. That little internal voice spoke up, “Ask him is he willing to work on this marriage or not.” So with tears in my eyes, fearing his answer, I mustered up the strength and went home to ask. My world crashed around me as he said that he was no longer willing to work at it and wanted a divorce. “Make sure that’s what you really want, because if it is once the process begins and those papers are signed there is no going back. It’s over forever and you might as well be dead to me.”
I won’t even begin to go through the reasons that he listed, which of course were my fault and taking very little responsibility for himself. Don’t get me wrong he took the responsibility for letting it drag out so long, but that’s about where it ended. He remained in the house for the next 3 months until I told him I couldn’t take being under the same roof with him. I spent more nights in the grocery store parking lot than I care to count.
I have never felt pain so deep. My heart truly broke.
Next…. Let the Healing Begin
Monday, June 11, 2012
Time Keeps on Slipping
Wow! It's been forever, but I finally found my way back into my blog --- MUCH MUCH MUCH has changed. I will try to get back soon and fill in for the last 3 years.
Stay Tuned!!!!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Priorities & Choices
I know it's been a while - but I'm back.
WTF! 2 years of this bullshit and we are still hashing over the same crap.
So here's tonight's latest bullshit.
I've been sick for almost 2 weeks with bronchitis. My principal told me to stay home from school today. I've been resting and home alone ALL DAY.
He texts me around 5:30 to see how I am and that he is going out for dinner and drinks with co-workers because they had a crazy day. I don't hear back from him until 10PM. At that point I was tired of being home alone and depressed and crying because I feel like once again he is running away from me. I decided to take a drive, wound up at the food and video store.
He texted me during this and was seemingly annoyed that I was out. Eventually he called me, said I didn't sound good, and was dealing with 2 drunk people. He wanted me to go home and sleep, but my meds are making sleeping difficult so I was getting a movie.
I finally hear from him again at 1:00AM. He is still with the 2 drunk people. He says he is going to take them home - so I cut him off at the pass. "Where is home? 2 hours away? Are you going to get there and decided you are too tired to drive home and stay over?" Of course, I was right that was exactly what was going to happen.If he doesn't stay over he would HAVE to get up in the morning to pick them up to bring them back to their cars. WHAT? If you're going to bring them home let them put their tail between their legs and find a relative or friend bring them to their cars in the morning. Again this is not his responsibility. He got defensive talking about how he didn't want to fight with me cause he's been fighting with people all day. I told him that I was not trying to fight with him, but I was not happy and upset about the situation that he has gotten himself in again.
What type of people are they who allow themselves to get so drunk they can't drive? How irresponsible. Who do they think he is by taking advantage of his good nature and knowing that he would feel obligated to take care of them. Also, how did this wind up being his responsibility. He knew they were drunk at 10PM, he could have made different choices throughout the entire evening that would have kept him out of this situation.
(1) He could have come after dinner to his sick wife. (but he got stuck watching the game)
(2) He could have asked me if I wanted to watch the game with him, whether at home or out. He says that I never expressed interest in the game and that I said I was tired and not well. Regardless, he never thought of me.
(3) He could have left at 10PM when he knew I was already sad and they were already drunk.
(4) He could drop them off at the hotel across the street where they could get a room and deal with their idiocy by themselves and he could come home.
Then he wants to tell me not to get upset or to be angry. HOW CAN I NOT? First, I gave him very logical options of things he could have done and could still do. But to ask me to not get upset? THat is assinine (sp). I should be his priority. I should be the one he is taking care of - NOT this morons. This is not the first time he has been in this position. And the bottom line is that it is a position that he has ALLOWED himself to be in.
WHere are his priorities? His wife or these immature irresponsible people? What was he thinking when he was making these choices? I know what he wasn't thinking about - me, his wife. How is this supposed to make me feel? How am I supposed to react? To me his actions prove that he does not care about me, and he really doesn't love me. I mean what else does this pan out to be? How else would this make me feel? This is not right. This is just wrong. I want to pound his head in. I want to beat the shit out of him. When do I get to be taken care of? When I do become a priority? When does your decision making process include thinking about me and my feelings?
Now 1:30AM he is coming home. Maybe he dropped the ho-bags off at a hotel or left them sleeping in their car.
WTF! 2 years of this bullshit and we are still hashing over the same crap.
So here's tonight's latest bullshit.
I've been sick for almost 2 weeks with bronchitis. My principal told me to stay home from school today. I've been resting and home alone ALL DAY.
He texts me around 5:30 to see how I am and that he is going out for dinner and drinks with co-workers because they had a crazy day. I don't hear back from him until 10PM. At that point I was tired of being home alone and depressed and crying because I feel like once again he is running away from me. I decided to take a drive, wound up at the food and video store.
He texted me during this and was seemingly annoyed that I was out. Eventually he called me, said I didn't sound good, and was dealing with 2 drunk people. He wanted me to go home and sleep, but my meds are making sleeping difficult so I was getting a movie.
I finally hear from him again at 1:00AM. He is still with the 2 drunk people. He says he is going to take them home - so I cut him off at the pass. "Where is home? 2 hours away? Are you going to get there and decided you are too tired to drive home and stay over?" Of course, I was right that was exactly what was going to happen.If he doesn't stay over he would HAVE to get up in the morning to pick them up to bring them back to their cars. WHAT? If you're going to bring them home let them put their tail between their legs and find a relative or friend bring them to their cars in the morning. Again this is not his responsibility. He got defensive talking about how he didn't want to fight with me cause he's been fighting with people all day. I told him that I was not trying to fight with him, but I was not happy and upset about the situation that he has gotten himself in again.
What type of people are they who allow themselves to get so drunk they can't drive? How irresponsible. Who do they think he is by taking advantage of his good nature and knowing that he would feel obligated to take care of them. Also, how did this wind up being his responsibility. He knew they were drunk at 10PM, he could have made different choices throughout the entire evening that would have kept him out of this situation.
(1) He could have come after dinner to his sick wife. (but he got stuck watching the game)
(2) He could have asked me if I wanted to watch the game with him, whether at home or out. He says that I never expressed interest in the game and that I said I was tired and not well. Regardless, he never thought of me.
(3) He could have left at 10PM when he knew I was already sad and they were already drunk.
(4) He could drop them off at the hotel across the street where they could get a room and deal with their idiocy by themselves and he could come home.
Then he wants to tell me not to get upset or to be angry. HOW CAN I NOT? First, I gave him very logical options of things he could have done and could still do. But to ask me to not get upset? THat is assinine (sp). I should be his priority. I should be the one he is taking care of - NOT this morons. This is not the first time he has been in this position. And the bottom line is that it is a position that he has ALLOWED himself to be in.
WHere are his priorities? His wife or these immature irresponsible people? What was he thinking when he was making these choices? I know what he wasn't thinking about - me, his wife. How is this supposed to make me feel? How am I supposed to react? To me his actions prove that he does not care about me, and he really doesn't love me. I mean what else does this pan out to be? How else would this make me feel? This is not right. This is just wrong. I want to pound his head in. I want to beat the shit out of him. When do I get to be taken care of? When I do become a priority? When does your decision making process include thinking about me and my feelings?
Now 1:30AM he is coming home. Maybe he dropped the ho-bags off at a hotel or left them sleeping in their car.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Family Matriach
First, I would like to say that things between us have been MUCH better. Since he wanted me to discuss my feelings more I have promised myself that I would not hold anything in anymore – not even the irrational thoughts that woman sometimes have. There were a few occasions were he failed to contact me when I was awaiting him to come home, and truthfully I used them to my advantage. They were the perfect opportunity for me to illustrate to him how his actions affect me and that he needs to make some changes too. With that said, my anniversary present was very sweet and the thought that went into it really showed me that he is trying to make an effort and he finally realizes that HE needs to begin to change. My birthday came with 3 celebrations. First a romantic dinner in AC at our favorite Cuban restaurant, then another romantic dinner in Lil’ Italy where we got engaged, then a night out with friends, and on the actual day a quiet evening at home with dinner and a funny movie.
For years we have considered having Thanksgiving at our house, but there was always a reason not to. Finally this year we decided to do it. 14 people in our lil’ house, but everyone had a great time – and those are HIS words!
These past few days, as I have re-cooperated from the holiday and put the house back in order, I have been left to my inner thoughts and yet again begun to contemplate life. After watching certain family members interact, I feel like I have a new insight on them – including my husband. I learned that his brother was the catalyst for my mother-in-law to come to dinner. We have been here for 3 years, and she has yet to visit. I began to think about how this seemingly lack of desire to see her son’s home could affect him. I then thought about how my family was excited to come over and once here took over my kitchen! I always knew that I had a strong, supportive family – even though some have the impression that we are not because of all the dissention amongst some of us. But to see the 2 families react in different ways helped me to realize how blessed I am. My family always manages to do the right thing when the time comes. They seem to gather strength through me. Now I see how I can do the same for his family and I thank my brother-in-law for that. My husband always told me that I was to be leader of this family, and now I see that I am slowly rising to the rank of family matriarch. It is an honor that I take pride in but it is also a scary responsibility to take on.
I have also been thinking about where my life is and where it is going. My husband has been questioning his lot in life. How he is not doing the things he thought he would be at this time, where is his life headed, where does he want it to go. And again I feel that I must be his strength. I have been so focused on changing my career and trying to find fulfillment in teaching, when maybe all along the answer to my fulfillment was right here in my home and ultimately my family. Maybe I will only find fulfillment in leading my family towards loving one another through my love for them. He is a part of my family, and for all the effort I put forth for my family I need to put a little more towards him. Just as the others look to me for love and support, he needs just as much and after all isn’t that part of what the covenant of marriage is – to love and support each other?
I love being there for my aunt, uncles, cousins, mom, grandfather, sister, and friends (especially those that are more like family). I should find the same love in being there for him and his family. So now I must turn my efforts towards my new found reason in life, my family – my entire, extended family.
So it is with God’s grace that I go forward on this new path. I thank Him for opening my eyes and pray that He guide me through this new journey.
For years we have considered having Thanksgiving at our house, but there was always a reason not to. Finally this year we decided to do it. 14 people in our lil’ house, but everyone had a great time – and those are HIS words!
These past few days, as I have re-cooperated from the holiday and put the house back in order, I have been left to my inner thoughts and yet again begun to contemplate life. After watching certain family members interact, I feel like I have a new insight on them – including my husband. I learned that his brother was the catalyst for my mother-in-law to come to dinner. We have been here for 3 years, and she has yet to visit. I began to think about how this seemingly lack of desire to see her son’s home could affect him. I then thought about how my family was excited to come over and once here took over my kitchen! I always knew that I had a strong, supportive family – even though some have the impression that we are not because of all the dissention amongst some of us. But to see the 2 families react in different ways helped me to realize how blessed I am. My family always manages to do the right thing when the time comes. They seem to gather strength through me. Now I see how I can do the same for his family and I thank my brother-in-law for that. My husband always told me that I was to be leader of this family, and now I see that I am slowly rising to the rank of family matriarch. It is an honor that I take pride in but it is also a scary responsibility to take on.
I have also been thinking about where my life is and where it is going. My husband has been questioning his lot in life. How he is not doing the things he thought he would be at this time, where is his life headed, where does he want it to go. And again I feel that I must be his strength. I have been so focused on changing my career and trying to find fulfillment in teaching, when maybe all along the answer to my fulfillment was right here in my home and ultimately my family. Maybe I will only find fulfillment in leading my family towards loving one another through my love for them. He is a part of my family, and for all the effort I put forth for my family I need to put a little more towards him. Just as the others look to me for love and support, he needs just as much and after all isn’t that part of what the covenant of marriage is – to love and support each other?
I love being there for my aunt, uncles, cousins, mom, grandfather, sister, and friends (especially those that are more like family). I should find the same love in being there for him and his family. So now I must turn my efforts towards my new found reason in life, my family – my entire, extended family.
So it is with God’s grace that I go forward on this new path. I thank Him for opening my eyes and pray that He guide me through this new journey.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Healing & Jealousy
This summer has proven to one of the most emotionally difficult ones for me. I’ve been through a lot in my life but I cannot remember experiencing pain like I recently have. Let me start by saying that things are getting better, but there are still issues that need to be worked on and trust needs to be reestablished.
I never thought for one minute that he would question my feelings for him. I never thought that once we were married there would be the possibility of an affair. Although he denies it time and time again, I still can’t help but wonder. I don’t know if it’s out of hope or denial but I don’t feel that he has crossed any physical lines, but I do feel he has crossed an emotional line. From going to a country concert, to driving her to the hospital at 1AM, to the over 800 minutes of cell phone calls, and over 400 text messages each month, the secretive phone calls, never leaving his phone alone, always having the phone on vibrate, difference in attitude after hanging out with certain people, the avoidance of coming home, and attempts to put his feelings on me to possibly alleviate his conscious, my friends wonder how I am surviving and still believing. I guess its out of blind faith and love.
He now believes that I love him, as he thought at the beginning of the summer I did not. He is now starting to regain faith in us, but has left me devastated to know that he lost faith to begin with. He is starting to tell me he loves me again, and I wait on baited breath to here it and then question its sincerity when I do. He wants more communication, but he has a habit of cutting me or not listening when I try. His perception of events is warped. From not remembering conversations about going off the pill, to no recollection of asking him to look into finding a dance class for us, to not remembering that I said hello to him, and not listening when we do talk, I am at a loss on how to revive his memory and help him be in the moment when he needs to be.
I feel like all the efforts to repair this relationship have not only been placed on my shoulders, but also have only been put forth by me. I would like to see a little more coming from him. Wouldn’t it be nice if he surprised me with wanting to go away for a romantic weekend? Or finding an activity for us to share in? Or telling me he loves me without me saying it first? Or ending his “friendship” with this girl? I am curious to see what our anniversary will bring in a few weeks and then my birthday and Christmas. I don’t need pretty jewelry or an expensive dinner, just a little something to let me know I still hold a special place in his heart.
During one of our conversations he asked me that if we got divorced would I hate him. I told him I would never speak to him again. He then wanted to know why? Ok, you can take that look of astonishment off your face now; as it took me a moment to digest a question that I felt was absurd. I told him that I do not allow those who have caused me such pain to remain in my life and that he should know this from all those who have come and gone in my life since he has known me. Since a divorce would cause my heart to break, I could never allow him back into my life as all it would do, would be to remind me of the heartbreak and pain me to see or speak to him again. He then asked if I would feel like I did not do enough to help make this marriage work. Ok, again I was taken aback. I told him that I would have no such regrets because I know that I have done everything I could and that if he decided to walk out it would be his decision because the problem would lie within him and there is nothing I can do to change him as that is something one must do on their own. I mean, we can always help one another to change, but both parties have to be willing to accept the help and then implement the change into their lives. I know I have changed. The question still lies, has he changed?
So I there are still feelings of jealousy towards this girl. And there may come a time for me to ask him to end this friendship, for that may be the only thing that will make me feel more confident in our relationship. There has been a mutual friend of ours that tried to tempt me to leave him by being there for me emotionally and telling me all the things I wanted to hear. Then he crossed the line when we were engaged and I was faced with making a decision about whether or not he was to remain in my life. After much discussion with my now husband, and realizing that maintaining such a friendship would put a strain on our relationship – both emotionally for him as he would never be able to trust this person again, and for me never knowing what his true intentions were – I ended the friendship. If I was able to do that for him, and for us, would it be so far fetched or outrageous of me to ask the same of him in our current situation?
As time goes on I will ultimately make a decision. I just pray that it will be the right one for me, him, and our marriage.
I never thought for one minute that he would question my feelings for him. I never thought that once we were married there would be the possibility of an affair. Although he denies it time and time again, I still can’t help but wonder. I don’t know if it’s out of hope or denial but I don’t feel that he has crossed any physical lines, but I do feel he has crossed an emotional line. From going to a country concert, to driving her to the hospital at 1AM, to the over 800 minutes of cell phone calls, and over 400 text messages each month, the secretive phone calls, never leaving his phone alone, always having the phone on vibrate, difference in attitude after hanging out with certain people, the avoidance of coming home, and attempts to put his feelings on me to possibly alleviate his conscious, my friends wonder how I am surviving and still believing. I guess its out of blind faith and love.
He now believes that I love him, as he thought at the beginning of the summer I did not. He is now starting to regain faith in us, but has left me devastated to know that he lost faith to begin with. He is starting to tell me he loves me again, and I wait on baited breath to here it and then question its sincerity when I do. He wants more communication, but he has a habit of cutting me or not listening when I try. His perception of events is warped. From not remembering conversations about going off the pill, to no recollection of asking him to look into finding a dance class for us, to not remembering that I said hello to him, and not listening when we do talk, I am at a loss on how to revive his memory and help him be in the moment when he needs to be.
I feel like all the efforts to repair this relationship have not only been placed on my shoulders, but also have only been put forth by me. I would like to see a little more coming from him. Wouldn’t it be nice if he surprised me with wanting to go away for a romantic weekend? Or finding an activity for us to share in? Or telling me he loves me without me saying it first? Or ending his “friendship” with this girl? I am curious to see what our anniversary will bring in a few weeks and then my birthday and Christmas. I don’t need pretty jewelry or an expensive dinner, just a little something to let me know I still hold a special place in his heart.
During one of our conversations he asked me that if we got divorced would I hate him. I told him I would never speak to him again. He then wanted to know why? Ok, you can take that look of astonishment off your face now; as it took me a moment to digest a question that I felt was absurd. I told him that I do not allow those who have caused me such pain to remain in my life and that he should know this from all those who have come and gone in my life since he has known me. Since a divorce would cause my heart to break, I could never allow him back into my life as all it would do, would be to remind me of the heartbreak and pain me to see or speak to him again. He then asked if I would feel like I did not do enough to help make this marriage work. Ok, again I was taken aback. I told him that I would have no such regrets because I know that I have done everything I could and that if he decided to walk out it would be his decision because the problem would lie within him and there is nothing I can do to change him as that is something one must do on their own. I mean, we can always help one another to change, but both parties have to be willing to accept the help and then implement the change into their lives. I know I have changed. The question still lies, has he changed?
So I there are still feelings of jealousy towards this girl. And there may come a time for me to ask him to end this friendship, for that may be the only thing that will make me feel more confident in our relationship. There has been a mutual friend of ours that tried to tempt me to leave him by being there for me emotionally and telling me all the things I wanted to hear. Then he crossed the line when we were engaged and I was faced with making a decision about whether or not he was to remain in my life. After much discussion with my now husband, and realizing that maintaining such a friendship would put a strain on our relationship – both emotionally for him as he would never be able to trust this person again, and for me never knowing what his true intentions were – I ended the friendship. If I was able to do that for him, and for us, would it be so far fetched or outrageous of me to ask the same of him in our current situation?
As time goes on I will ultimately make a decision. I just pray that it will be the right one for me, him, and our marriage.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Wilderness of Pain
Lost in a Wilderness of Pain and all the children are insane.
I am lost in this pain
I am a child who is insane
Why isn’t there some magical remedy to make this all go away?
This weekend I realized that I ignored him everywhere we went. But why is the big question? Am I afraid of what he’ll say? Afraid that the next conversation we have will only continue to break my heart? Another problem? Another issue? Another fault? More pain added to what I am already feeling? Questions abound but I cannot seem to find the answers no matter where I look.
So now I question – was he right to question my love for him? I thought I loved him, but do I really? If I loved him would I be acting so cold? But then again if he loved me would he be focusing on the negatives as much as he has been? How do I begin to love him the way I did when we first met? Then again do I question his love for me? It feels as if he is putting the salvation of this relationship completely on my shoulders. If he loved me how could he do that? When does he take responsibility for his actions that have contributed to us being in this place? Does he have to go out all night? Does he have to not answer my calls? Why does he not say “I Love You” when we say goodbye?
How the hell did we get here? And more importantly how the hell do we get back to where we were? We were the seemingly happy couple. Getting through our trials and tribulations – or so myself and everyone around us thought. Now we are in the throws of… of…. Pain and anguish, torture and emptiness, loneliness and isolation. So I cry tears that go unseen. I’m building a fortress out of my pain. And my heart continues to break as I continue to crumble behind these wall of tears.
I am lost in this pain
I am a child who is insane
Why isn’t there some magical remedy to make this all go away?
This weekend I realized that I ignored him everywhere we went. But why is the big question? Am I afraid of what he’ll say? Afraid that the next conversation we have will only continue to break my heart? Another problem? Another issue? Another fault? More pain added to what I am already feeling? Questions abound but I cannot seem to find the answers no matter where I look.
So now I question – was he right to question my love for him? I thought I loved him, but do I really? If I loved him would I be acting so cold? But then again if he loved me would he be focusing on the negatives as much as he has been? How do I begin to love him the way I did when we first met? Then again do I question his love for me? It feels as if he is putting the salvation of this relationship completely on my shoulders. If he loved me how could he do that? When does he take responsibility for his actions that have contributed to us being in this place? Does he have to go out all night? Does he have to not answer my calls? Why does he not say “I Love You” when we say goodbye?
How the hell did we get here? And more importantly how the hell do we get back to where we were? We were the seemingly happy couple. Getting through our trials and tribulations – or so myself and everyone around us thought. Now we are in the throws of… of…. Pain and anguish, torture and emptiness, loneliness and isolation. So I cry tears that go unseen. I’m building a fortress out of my pain. And my heart continues to break as I continue to crumble behind these wall of tears.
Friday, August 10, 2007
To Touch a Setting Sun
So once again doubt is rearing its ugly face and breaking my heart. I am going through the motions of being understanding and supportive and positive – yet inside I’m screaming.
Why all these questions? Why all the doubt? After all this time NOW it surfaces. As I am crumbling inside I want to take all this doubt and shove it down his throat. And then possibly kick the shit out of him, slash his tires, break his cell phone, and other destructive things. Ahh, but the good in me will always win out, and I will never pursue any of those secret desires because I know that they will achieve nothing. So instead, as I am confronted with the questions, I crumble inside and build walls around my heart.
What would I do? Haven’t I ever wondered? Wouldn’t I be happier? What if I can’t give what is needed? All these questions are posed, yet am I the right audience? Maybe he should look in a mirror and ask himself some of these questions. Maybe he should smash the mirror to get rid of the ugliness that has taken over his soul. Does he have a clue as to how this is affecting me? A part of me thinks that my feelings are not even a factor in this. As I’ve mentioned before it is difficult for me to vocalize my emotions, but I have been making a concerted effort to overcome this shortcoming. Yet conversations like the other night leave me feeling like my efforts are all for naught and that it is a waste of energy. When attempting to express myself, to put into words how his actions/words make me feel I am told that he doesn’t want to hear these things. The conversation quickly turns to a negative action that happened rather than looking at the positive outcome that transpired because of my efforts. Always focusing on the negative, and the positive is lost in what I see as selfishness.
How can one express their feelings when the other party is not open to hearing them? He is consumed by his emotions. He is holding himself flawless and sees how only I can make the difference. At least that is how I feel at times. But I still try to remain positive. I put up a front that I still have fight and a desire to work at this. Yet each day, each question, each sad look in his eyes, leaves me with nothing but pain as I try to touch a setting sun.
I’m lost. I am feeling emotionally battered and beaten. This constant questioning over the past 4 months is leaving me drained and depressed. I am feeling less sociable, less chipper, removed, unhappy, and …. And …. Losing my strength to fight, I am close to just giving in to whatever maybe. No teaching job – yet no desire to pursue one, and I mean really pound the pavement. Not registered for classes – again no desire to attempt to. A failing relationship – okay so I finally admit it, it’s falling apart and so am I.
Why all these questions? Why all the doubt? After all this time NOW it surfaces. As I am crumbling inside I want to take all this doubt and shove it down his throat. And then possibly kick the shit out of him, slash his tires, break his cell phone, and other destructive things. Ahh, but the good in me will always win out, and I will never pursue any of those secret desires because I know that they will achieve nothing. So instead, as I am confronted with the questions, I crumble inside and build walls around my heart.
What would I do? Haven’t I ever wondered? Wouldn’t I be happier? What if I can’t give what is needed? All these questions are posed, yet am I the right audience? Maybe he should look in a mirror and ask himself some of these questions. Maybe he should smash the mirror to get rid of the ugliness that has taken over his soul. Does he have a clue as to how this is affecting me? A part of me thinks that my feelings are not even a factor in this. As I’ve mentioned before it is difficult for me to vocalize my emotions, but I have been making a concerted effort to overcome this shortcoming. Yet conversations like the other night leave me feeling like my efforts are all for naught and that it is a waste of energy. When attempting to express myself, to put into words how his actions/words make me feel I am told that he doesn’t want to hear these things. The conversation quickly turns to a negative action that happened rather than looking at the positive outcome that transpired because of my efforts. Always focusing on the negative, and the positive is lost in what I see as selfishness.
How can one express their feelings when the other party is not open to hearing them? He is consumed by his emotions. He is holding himself flawless and sees how only I can make the difference. At least that is how I feel at times. But I still try to remain positive. I put up a front that I still have fight and a desire to work at this. Yet each day, each question, each sad look in his eyes, leaves me with nothing but pain as I try to touch a setting sun.
I’m lost. I am feeling emotionally battered and beaten. This constant questioning over the past 4 months is leaving me drained and depressed. I am feeling less sociable, less chipper, removed, unhappy, and …. And …. Losing my strength to fight, I am close to just giving in to whatever maybe. No teaching job – yet no desire to pursue one, and I mean really pound the pavement. Not registered for classes – again no desire to attempt to. A failing relationship – okay so I finally admit it, it’s falling apart and so am I.
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