Faith

Here I sit – one of the first evenings in quite some time to myself. A glass of wine and 3 cats are my company, and this girl couldn’t ask for more right now.

I am not as angry as I was in my last wine-ladened blog, however I am still scared. So far all the bills have been paid. An angel was here when the bad news came via the USPS and he bought us groceries. His excuse was that he hates to see an empty fridge, and ours was so empty you could hear your own echo. He also said it was a pittance in comparison to the friendship and dinner parties we had thrown over the years. This is man is an angel. I thank God for his friendship; it bore us almost 2 weeks worth of food and medicated a potential anxiety attack.

The job I am in leave of is falling apart. On one hand, it’s great that they don’t need me and aren’t calling me every 5 seconds. On the other, I am still fearful of the repercussions of the damage being inflicted in my absence. I fear that I will not be able to make the necessary repairs upon my return and that I might go down with the ship. I would much rather resign from my post as captain and stay on board as a consultant rather than captain. Then again I’m not even sure if I want that.

This past month I have been in the classroom, teaching and learning. My life has been busy; family engagements and plans, friends’ special events, my women’s church group, and the every day chores of life. Funny, I haven’t missed the job at all. What’s even funnier is that I don’t feel stressed at all. (and I do say that sarcastically). After my initial melt down of the unemployment denial, I really feel calm. Scarily calm. I don’t understand it. Maybe if I was taking Xanax or drinking heavily or taking some ‘ludes – I mean something anything - it might explain this attitude. Yet I sit here sober (with the exception of my one glass of wine, which by the way is only the third in three days and third in near a month) just paying the bills, finagling money, eating oatmeal 2x a day, using spare change for the treat of coffee in the morning, and just going about my business. I don’t understand it. I should be in a near panic.

I do keep telling myself everyday that God will get us through this, and maybe I can say that it is my faith that is keeping me sane. My faith that this hard word and sacrifice will strengthen my marriage, better my soul, and grace us with gifts we would have otherwise not appreciated with the same love without having this experience. My faith that although I was initially angry with God for trusting me so much with such obstacles I was able to overcome that anger and turn my insecurities over to Him allowing Him to carry me through this time when it seems that no one else could. My faith has given my this women’s group at church with weekly reminders that others have faced such stormy water and worse yet once they put it in God’s hands it was He who carried them safely to shore. My faith has allowed me to see the wonderful man I married and how blessed I am to have someone who cares so deeply and passionately for me that he has put aside his own fears and anger to be my rock and offer the strength and stability I so desperately need. My faith has given me signs from the professionals sent to work with, observe, and guide me in the words of encouragement and further affirm that I am on the right path to fulfilling my destiny.

Last week a visiting nun came to our women’s group. She was there to teach us body praying and Tai Chi Chai. I am the liturgy/music co-director of the group and in charge of our bi-weekly prayer meetings. This particular week I knew there was much work to be done, so my co-director and I decided to leave out the “Song of Reflection”. I felt that the service was lacking in the area of spiritual reinforcement of the reading so I wrote my own reflection. After the service I received many compliments on how I incorporated the reading into the work we were doing, and the nun even praised me for making such a connection at such a young age.

The reading was Matthew 13:1-9

On that day, Jesus went out of the house and sat down by the sea. Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat down, and the whole crowd stood along the shore. And he spoke to them at length in parables, saying: "A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil. It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep, and when the sun rose it was scorched, and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it. But some seed fell on rich soil, and produced fruit, a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold. Whoever has ears ought to hear."

My reflection:

When Father G and Father B were beginning to develop this women’s group, they began to look for rich soil where they might be able to plant some seeds of faith. They chose a few women that they felt would nurture these seeds so that fruit could grow and might provide nourishment for others. And so we received our invitation letters to be a part of this women’s group Team. During our personal discernment to be a part of Team, some of us may have been saying “Here I am Lord. Is it I Lord? I have heard you calling in the night.” Ultimately we each answered this honor with “I will go, Lord, if you lead me.” The sowers had successfully sowed.
As the retreat weekend is quickly approaching we will be welcoming those who seek and long for the Lord. May we hold them in our hearts and produce bountiful fruits of faith from the seeds that have been sown in us.

Aside from the affirmation that I understood the meaning behind this parable, the nun also said something later on to the group that has stuck with me everyday since. This nun has much experience working with other such women’s groups and has seen the trials and tribulations they have undergone from the groups’ inception up to the final moment of the retreat weekend. On this evening she told us that she felt we had a special group of women but to be wary. For when such a strong group of faithful people as ours gets together there are often temptations to pull us apart. She warned us that as the retreat draws nearer we may be faced with obstacles we have never dealt with before and be tempted to walk away from all that we have worked on.

I have felt this way recently. For all the positive energy I have received from the group the stress of everything outside the group has made me feel like I need to give up something in my life. And the first thing that usually comes to mind is this women’s group. When the nun mentioned this temptation I thought of my feelings, I thought of a story another woman had shared reflecting on her feelings of leaving, and then I thought of Jesus. Okay I don’t mean to get all holy-roller on you, and if you don’t believe in Jesus please keep reading. This is not about believing in the Messiah, but more of the story presented and how we can all relate to being tempted in our weakest hour. Jesus went to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights with no food or drink. As the sun beat down on Him His body was weakening. He ached for nourishment and was beseeched with parchment, yet He held strong to His faith. He knew that God would not have sent him on this journey if God did not trust in Him. God not only trusted in Him, He believed that Jesus’ faith would get Him through. The Devil tempted Jesus with luscious fruits and an oasis of drink and shade, but Jesus held fast to His faith and His mission. In the end Jesus did not fall victim to the temptations, knowing they would not provide for Him in the long run and returned spiritually renewed. Jesus then headed towards Jerusalem knowing He would face betrayal, torture, and His final hour.

When the nun mentioned that we would be tempted to leave this spiritual group, I heard this story in my mind and it suddenly clicked. The past several years have been leading up to this moment in my life. I have been tested time and time again, in patience and virtue and fortitude and love. I have muddled through some of it, while soaring through other tests. And now as I near the final hour of this pursuit, the moment I have been working towards, I am faced with the most difficult of temptations. The loss of my home, the inability to help provide for my family (however small it may be), the treat of instability to my family, and my sanity. The denial of unemployment has presented all of these before me with one easy solution – go back to work whether it is this job or another, I can always finish school later. But the question is when does later come? So I am then presented with the thought of working 20 hours a week which can only be afforded to me if I sacrifice something else, at this time the only other option is the women’s group. Yet another opportunity like this may never present itself again. Then I hear this nun’s words of warning and words of wisdom, and I realize that I cannot quickly forget all the signs I have been given from God that has lead me to this moment. From being placed in two grades that I wanted to experience, to achieving a 3.9 GPA, acknowledge from my professors and co-operating teachers about my natural ability and obvious love for teaching, to the happiness I feel and the loving husband at my side. It is THESE thoughts that I should look towards during my times of doubt, and THESE examples that help me keep my faith and turn from the temptation of the easy way out.
I know that I will see the sun rise as it rises over calm waters that were once wild with wind and rage. It is to this sun rise that I must remain focused on and my faith that I must turn to in times of trouble and doubt.

Why does God trust me?

Just when things were starting to look up, just when I could see a glimpse of happiness a smile on my face – a moment of the me who was lost long ago – God decides to test my faith again.

2 years ago I embarked on a new path. A path that was to better my life. To fulfill a childhood dream of leaving a mark on the future, impacting the future with ideas of love. I made the decision to return to school to pursue the career of becoming an educator. I am now almost finished. I began my student teaching just a few weeks ago. A partial reason for my absenteeism from this blog. It started out a bit odd, as many things do when one ventures into the unknown. But this past week has given me hope and furthered my optimism that I am on the right path. Then I received this letter in the mail and it is devastating.

I was under the impression that due to my full time student status I would be eligible for unemployment. I initially did not want to pursue applying for unemployment under this pretense, although it is the truth I was fearful that it would prove beneficial for me. I wanted to apply under the pretense that I was laid off due to lack of work, but when I mention this to my bosses they gave the distinct impression that they would not back this idea nor did they even contemplate it. I understand that they were looking out for themselves, and understandably so, but damn it they bend so many damn rules for so many others I hoped that my loyalty and dedication would be honored. What I fool I proved to be. So I applied with the truth. And the truth has imprisoned me. I am not eligible for unemployment.

I am pissed, hurt, angry, lost, fearful, upset, frustrated, disillusioned, and tearful. I have worked faithfully for the past 15 years. I have never attempted to collect, yet I have paid into it for all these years. I have been harassed and psychologically damaged over the past 9 years from this damn hell hole called a job. I finally made a decision to attempt to improve these circumstances by furthering my education and am now penalized for it. As stated in the damn f-in letter I received from the f-in state “You left your job voluntarily because it interfered with your attendance at training or school. Although attending school or training is a valid reason for leaving work, it is personal. Therefore, your reason for leaving does not constitute good cause attributable to the work. You are disqualified for benefits.”

This damn letter might as well read “since you have decided that mental and emotional abuses are not to your liking, your attempt to better your life’s circumstances is not our problem. Even though you have put in years of hard work, those that have not are more entitled to your sweat and labor than you are. You’re hard earned tax dollars will benefit some crack ho parent instead of you and your family. You are now endanger of losing your home, your car, your husband, and everything else you have worked so hard to obtain over the years. Fuck you.”

So I have spent the last several hours drowning myself with an old friend, Dionysius. Yet, I must awake in the morning to teach 4th graders about holiness. Plan a lesson on the importance of recycling for Monday. And put on a happy face for the entire world to see. Well you know what I want to say to it all – FUCK YOU! YOU SUCK! I’m tired of working so hard for what I believe is the right thing and only get kicked in the face and spit on. Fuck everyone else – what about me damn it. When do I get the break? Why am I penalized for my honesty and attempt to better my life? I try to be a role model. I try to learn from my mistakes. I try to lead others to the heart of God. Yet I am trampled in the mud by a runaway herd of buffalo that I couldn’t see coming. When do I get to stop treading water and sail on a ship into the sunset?

Sorry for the cursing and the anger, but I am at a complete loss.

Living La Vida Limbo

Only one week left of working here full-time! I’m not excited about collecting unemployment and the hit my checking account will take, but I am excited to get the hell outta here.

There are two sayings that come to mind at this time. 1- Distance makes the heart grow fonder. 2- Outta sight, outta mind. From my experience last semester, with being out of the office once a week, I know that my feelings will be more “outta sight outta mind”. Yet, I’m not feeling it quite 100%. Although I will not be here on a full-time basis, I will be coming in at least once on the weekends and this is leaving me with much anxiety.

First, on the day that I will be here the BFB, the Butt Pimple, and her cronies will be here. Now, one would say – just ignore them and that is just what I do. But I find that the more I am away from the BFB the more I realize how mental she is and the less tolerance I have for her when I am near her. My relationship with her is so damaged that upon her return from Holiday break she has been in and out of my office several times and spoken to everyone except me. No Hello, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year – nothing. Then today she speaks to me, she asks me why there is a sign about no classes during a particular week. I told her that is has been on the calendar since August. She begins to persist that there will be classes, based on a conversation she had with the boss yesterday. I told her the boss did not say anything to me, and she insists that I was present for the conversation. I told her I was not privy to such a conversation. She once again insisted that I was and that I was sitting in my chair while she and the boss had this conversation in my office. I told her if that was the case that I was not invited into the conversation and therefore unaware of the discussion because it was not my conversation to partake in. Again she persisted with the fact that there were no conversations and why was such a sign made. I told her I was unaware of the sign she was speaking of and that if the boss made this decision the boss did not inform me about it and she needed to take it up with the boss. THIS is the nonsense that I have to look forward to for the next few months! I am praying for the strength God can grant me.

Second, I am fearful of the messes that have occurred during the week that I will be walking into on the weekend. I’ve worked hard here to keep things flowing at a good pace to keep things organized. The mere thought that while I my involved begins to dwindle, things are going to fall apart before my eyes upsets me. I know – again we are posed with the question of why do I even care, but for whatever that reason maybe I do care. Someone said to me I am staying on out of comfort. I can’t disagree with that, but another part of the reason are the perks I will be getting during this time. I can come and go as I please, I know the job and don’t have to go through another learning process, and I set my own work pace. I mean let’s face it, after all this time I can do this job with my eyes closed.

As time passes I will discern whether or not this arrangement is worth it. But hopefully the time will pass quickly enough that I will not even realize it and before I know it September will be here and I will finally move on – totally and completely – with my life.

Memories of Brooklyn

One more Christmas has come to pass. I find myself reflective at this time of year; I can remember feeling like this for the first time after my grandmother had passed a little more than 20 years ago. My memories are so vivid it leaves me to wonder if anyone else remembers things with the intensity that I seem to. Maybe my uncle, he might be the only one that could come close. I said hello to my new class and goodbye to the best fourth grade ever. So how does this all tie in together? Well, it all came into focus when I got the news that my Uncle L, in his eighties, passed away. He was my grandfather’s uncle by marriage.

We forged our way to the old Italian neighborhood in Brooklyn for the wake. This is where my great-great-grandparents settled shortly after leaving Ellis Island. Our family has been within the same 5 block radius for nearly 100 years – and no I am not exaggerating. I sat there in the all too familiar funeral parlor with my uncle at rest and the newest family addition in my arms. Around me were the remnants of a once large and vibrant family. My great grandmother was the eldest of 8 children, 6 of whom had children of their own and are now grandparents themselves.

One of my first family memories is Uncle Alphonso’s funeral, I couldn’t have been much more than three. I remember spending time in my great-grandmother’s apartment while relatives took turns staying with me, as they all needed to pay their respects. At one point I recall everyone – and it did feel like EVERYONE – was crammed into her dining room. The table was adorned with food, lots and lots of food. Grandma was in and out of the kitchen bringing dish after dish of pasta, extra cheese, bread, and of course wine. The record player resounded with the likes of Jimmy Roselli, Dean Martin, Connie Francis, Mario Lanza, and more. Although the family was in mourning they laughed through their tears as they reminisced about Uncle Al and the “good ol’ days”. As the years moved along there have been unfortunately many more funerals than happy occasions – weddings, christenings – but I can always remember a similar feeling of family unity.

My family had moved over the bridge and away from the neighborhood before I came around, yet it seems that we kept the tradition of Sunday family dinners. So maybe it wasn’t every Sunday, but it was often. Sometimes we would even sleep over! And again the family would come from all over the neighborhood throughout the day, even cousins from Long Island, and sit around the dining room table and laugh and talk and fight (we were not perfect). Sometimes the discussion would be in Italian so I wouldn’t be able to understand – but I never missed those curse words! And the language never confused me as to whether or not someone was angry or telling a dirty joke – after all we are Italian and very passionate and expressive people.

I remember my great-grandmother’s sisters: Aunt H and her sarcasm; Aunt M and the best damn meatballs I have EVER had in my life; Aunt A and her dogs and fried pinwheels. Cousin C and homemade chocolate. Cousin P standing on the corner. Cousin R and the candy store (always a favorite stop). And my grandmother M, always laughing, always smiling, always singing, always hugging, always loving.

Slowly it all began to change, the most drastic change started when my grandmother M passed away. Within four years of her passing it ALL changed. My heart not only broke from the loss of her, but the deterioration of my family. My younger cousins are growing up in family different from the Italian immigrant family I remember, and it breaks my heart.

So as Christmas approached this year and I felt myself falling into my annual reflective mode, I found myself on the streets of Brooklyn looking at all the familiar places filled with love and my cousins wanting to know more, wanting the experience of the family I once knew.

My husband has been telling me for years that the salvation of the family lies within me. For it my grandmother M that is my namesake, and I must have inherited much of her personality and love. I am the one that everyone talks to. I have no gripes with anyone, I love them all. I see now that I also have the memories and the desire for tradition that seems to have faded with our loss of her. I can only pray that I can live up to the memory of her that I hold so dear in my heart. I know that it is not possible to bring the family back to what it once was, my cousins will never know that happiness, but I must try to reestablish a stronger sense of family that held us together so long ago. I must say hello to a new family and goodbye to the family I once knew.

May God grant me strength.

A Work of Art in Progress

So I’m supposed to be working but instead my mind and heart are a million miles away.

There are a few things I keep thinking about lately. A few things from the past that have affected my outlook on the future. I tried to have this conversation with my husband, but he couldn’t get past his facts and tried to create logic where emotions and spirituality are involved. I feel that I’ve allowed myself to be lost in the hubbub of everyday activities, well no wait – although that may be true that’s not where the loss of me began. It began nearly 15 years ago. I don’t want to rehash the event, but it was awful and changed my life. I lost my carefree attitude towards life, love for the holidays, motivation, and focus. Like I said it was an awful event. Just when I think that I’m fully healed something rears its ugly head and infects the slow healing wound. I am changed and still changing. My husband is right when he says that our experiences shape who we are today, but when you lose a piece of yourself you sometimes have to stop and think about where you have been. How can one shape a piece of clay into a work of art when the artist has added to much water and the clay has no shape at all? A tragic event, the humdrum of everyday life are things that can water down our life and leave us with nothing to mold or shape. So I have been thinking about times where I have been a puddle of mud and how I have changed into an ever-forming work of art.

Most recently I have been reflecting on why I have been at my current job for so long, why I’ve put up with the crap, and what took me so long to go back to school so I could make a career change. It has all brought me back to that one event all those years ago. I was head strong; nothing was going to get in my way, nearly invincible, and ready to save the world. Maybe it was just immaturity, youthful innocence or arrogance. But the attitude was quickly changed into that of an introvert with complicated trust issues. I walked through the next few years doing things because I had to or they were expected of me. I thought about changing my major, but was convinced to remain on course – through friends, family, and ultimately my own decision and fear of change. I moved away from home and in with friends and my boyfriend (now husband). I graduated college and got a job. And it truly was a job, not a career. There was no real room for growth or advancement – unless I wanted to convert my religion and become a rabbi. When I began to witness things that went against my core beliefs I left. I didn’t fight, I just left – and burned my bridges while I was at it - damn Scorpio vengeance.

Shortly thereafter I found myself at my present job. When I was offered my current position a voice inside me screamed “NO”, but I didn’t listen. I went against my instincts even though it had always proven to put me in harm’s way. I quickly became a “yes” woman and tried to please everyone, not only my bosses but friends and family too. I just wanted to be happy and thought that I could live a humdrum life as long as those around me were happy. For a fleeting moment as we moved from our apartment with friends to our cottage, I thought about going back to school to change my career. Fear of risk and complacency helped me decide against school. I tried to fit in with a group of people that I knew in my heart I could not be a part of. I offered pieces of myself for acceptance only to be met with rejection. Herein lies issues that relate back to that awful event. The desire of acceptance met with rejection combined with fear of change, were brought about with the torture endured earlier in life. It stripped me of everything I was, everything I wanted to be, and everything I dreamt of being. I had no goals. I had no desires. I had no dreams. All I wanted was to live with my boyfriend, make money, and please others – especially those at my job (why I have no clue, but it is what it is). Friendships began to fade. Relationships became volatile. Many nights solace was found in a bottle.

5 years ago a few life changing events occurred. Although these were difficult to handle at the time, they have changed my focus on what is important in life and began to help me dream once again. I have discussed these events in previous posts – my cat died, my aunt was diagnosed with cancer, I lost a lifelong gift, and September 11th.

The first step towards my new life was taken in the midst of these events when I began to dream of the future. I contemplated my 8 year relationship with my boyfriend. Up to this point I had never pressured him about getting engaged, but then again I didn’t think I wanted more than what I had. I was looking for change. Not sure where to start or what to change I approached my boyfriend about “us” and where we were headed. I wanted more of a commitment and gave him an ultimatum date (7 months). If I was who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with he needed to commit to me or else I couldn’t stay.

OH how could I forget another major event! A few weeks after this conversation was September 11th. We did not lose anyone close on this horrific day but the Towers held a special place in our hearts. We used to be able to see the Twin Towers from our house and on this day we could see the smoke rising from my beautiful city’s skyline. We were both crushed by this. Having much of our family in the city throughout our childhood we spent many weekends there. For us the site of the towers represented love and family. On this day we literally smelled death and saw the symbolism of life as we had known it perish in its flames. 11 days later we were asked to move out of our home because the landlords’ daughter wanted to move in to the cottage and I began going to chemotherapy with my aunt. Devastation and depression sunk in. My boyfriend saw me slipping away. The little bit of light, love, and laughter that was left in my eyes was slowing fading away. He became consumed with trying to make me happy, trying to make me laugh even if it was just a soft giggle. The more he could do to make me smile, the more he realized that he could love no one more than he loved me. (HEHE – I love him for this)

We became engaged and the wedding whirlwind ensued. The minute he put that engagement ring on my finger I began to feel a change within me. I felt grounded, powerful, and more importantly loved. In the year that followed the wedding planning helped reawaken my inner-strength. I said no to people and spoke my mind. I felt a little bit like my old self before the awful event that emotionally beat me into submission. The wedding came and went. It was wonderful. We truly wish we could do it all over. Everyone was happy and had fun and we could feel their happiness in our hearts. It is one of the best feelings we have ever experienced.

Almost overnight I began to feel depressed again. Unable to identify the reason why, I sought counseling. I discovered much of what I have already explained – I had turned into a people pleaser and was afraid of change or taking a risk. I lost the ability to speak my mind in certain situations and now that I had a taste of it again and could see how much better life was when I did so I was feeling at lost in the areas where I could not express myself. Mainly this was directed at my job. Not just the people but the whole concept of the job. I began a job search only to find that any job I landed was not filling the need in my soul. I was never excited about an offer and could only foresee falling into the same rut I was trying to break out of. The wedding had offered a distraction from these feelings, but our covenant to each other did not subside the underlying emptiness. This darkness illuminated what my soul was lacking and the puddle of mud I had turned into. I remembered the one dream I held all my life. It manifested itself as different images, some bigger than life and others more realistic. I remember that I dreamt of helping people, doing something to make a difference in someone else’s life. By making this difference I could contribute to changing the world, sometimes you have to start small. I finally made the decision to go back to school for my teacher’s certification. Hoping this would fill my emptiness, hoping that there wasn’t too much water and I could begin to form myself once again.

Over the past two years I have pursued this dream (yeah I have a dream again!) and just about every step of the way I have received acknowledgements from the powers that be that I am on the right path. I truly am loving the time I spend in the classroom. I am finding myself reconnecting with that youthful attitude that I had thought died so many years ago. I am rediscovering myself – my beliefs, my values, my likes and dislikes, my dreams. I look at where I’ve been and where I’ve come from (because those are two different places) and think about what my 17 year-old self would have thought about my 26 year-old self. I don’t think I would have been too happy with myself; as a matter of fact I might have been disgusted with myself. I had become someone I never wanted to be. A pushover working for the man and not improving the world I lived in. Well, I am happy to say that I am no longer that person. I am not my 17 year old self either, but I have taken much of that attitude and begun to incorporate it into my new life philosophies that are still developing. I still hesitate taking a risk, but if I breathe deep enough and long enough I’ll forge ahead. At 17 I was frank, at 26 I had no opinion, now I like to believe I am tactfully honest. The insanity of life’s ups and downs has left me combining where I have been and where I have come from into who I am today.

Now, my regret is how long it took to get to this point. When having this discussion with my husband recently, like I said he didn’t quite get it. Maybe I wasn’t explaining it well or maybe he is too set in his opinions or fearful that I might revert back to that pushover with all this talk of the past. But he didn’t know me before the awful event. He has always had a hard time accepting that the event had such a profound affect on my life. I’m sure it must be difficult to know that the love of your life suffered such agony and there is nothing he can do to change it or make it better. He said he could hear regret in my voice, I think it made him nervous. I tried to explain that the regret was for time lost, but again he said there was no need for regret. My darling can be quite perceptive, at times I believe he is touched to the point of being empathetic, but he doesn’t know how to interpret the feelings of others and lacks the ability to get past the feelings and listen to the person. He sees the work of art but not the clay it started as. So I am left to this blog to express my feelings and maybe sort things through.

Now that I am becoming more aware of my dreams and closer to the realization of the one I began to pursue 2 years ago I recognize another dream that I have suppressed. I won’t divulge the goal of this dream as it is still something I am coming to terms with, but now it’s a race against time to make it a reality. I have yet to share this with anyone, not my husband or sister or best friends. It’s a dream that I have closed my eyes to for quite sometime now, and as the days pass I regret many of my past choices. I know that in time this dream will come to fruition; however I don’t know how much patience I have. I regret the time I lost in my self recovery and I resent the time that lies between me and the future. But I guess a work of art in progress takes time.

Another Year

Another year has come and gone.

Another birthday come and gone.

This has been a hectic year with a change in perception of life and motivation to obtain happiness. I have tried to spend more time with those who have been patient with my emotional absence throughout the years prior to this. If spending time has not been an option – for the multitude of reasons that we all have – I have tried to stay in touch via e-mail, MySpace, phone, etc. This year my birthday has left me a bit forlorn.

My birthday arrived and left.

As my day neared I had this feeling that it was going to be forgotten. I’m not one to usually make a big deal about these things. I understand that some are planning weddings, school, work, religious events, but this is the one day of the year that should be mine. The one day that I would hope some would be able to make time for me. I don’t care about presents; Lord knows I am not materialistic in that way. Two years ago my birthday was spent in mourning – this was something no one had control over and although people attempted to make up for it the following week it just didn’t have the same feeling. Last year I planned my own party. I invited friends and family over for dinner, which I cooked (and it was not up to my standards), and just to hang out. The party was at my house, the mess was mine to clean up (some stayed and helped), my husband disappeared for a few hours with our “mutual friends”, we laughed and we sang. It was a nice evening – planned by me for me. This year I was hoping that maybe – just maybe – someone would plan something for me. Instead this is how things unfolded…..

An old friend gave me a great birthday gift but was unable to come with me due to a death in the family. So I went with my sister. The concert was fun, but not as elating as I had hoped.

Friday – CWL planned a nice little birthday surprise with a gift and cake and candles. My boss told me she had forgotten my present at her house and would bring it in on Monday. It’s Monday and my boss has mentioned nothing – no surprise there.

Saturday – Worked during the day. Went out with family to celebrate my cousin’s birthday (hers is the day after mine) – as this was intention of the dinner as per the e-vite we all received. I walked in and was greeted with a “Happy Birthday” song. Dinner was nice. My cousin was supposed to have her own “Happy Birthday” song at the end of the evening, but that didn’t happen. There were no candles to be blown out. I received one birthday card. We went out for a few drinks after and then to a bar where my cousin’s friends were playing. At the bar my cousin and husband went out for some fresh air for about an hour as I sat at the bar alone.

Sunday – MY BIRTHDAY!
Three phone calls to wish me a happy birthday one from CWL, one from my friend who moved, and the other from my sister who had a fever. Went to a friend’s baby’s Christening where my other sister was the Godmother. I received a few birthday wishes and a “card to tide me over”. On my way home my husband asked me to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things, including dinner for the night and a six-pack for him. My husband was working hard on stuff for his classroom and around the house, yet I was still under the impression that we were going to go to the movies at some point. I arrived at home with one more phone call from my mother-in-law with birthday wishes and my husband saying that he forgot to ask me to stop at the video store for a movie later that night – so much for going out. Again I’m being understanding, he’s been working hard, he claims that we spoke about it the night before and due to my inebriate situation we very well may have. So I cooked myself a leftover lunch and sat down to watch a movie on TV as my husband continued to work.

At some point I fell asleep on the couch and became covered in pussy cats. When I woke up my husband was still working and another friend was leaving a birthday message for me on the machine. I told my husband that I was going to feed the cats and then go to the video store, come home and cook dinner. He offered me cash and suggested that I pick up my own birthday cake. I told him that it was too late for birthday cake and there was some left over from Friday that we could eat, but he insisted that I should have a fresh one with candles. Off I went onto an adventure that just perpetuated my feelings of being forgotten.

I arrived at the video store and within 5 minutes the manager asked everyone to leave because the computers had crashed and would be down for an undetermined amount of time. I called home to have my husband call the other video store to see if they were still open, but he didn’t answer the phone so I left a message and went to the grocery store for my birthday cake. Once I found the ice-cream cake I wanted I went to the register to learn that this small 8” cake was $20.00, filled with disgust and hurt I told the cashier I didn’t want it and walked out. My husband called me because he noticed that I called – he never checked the message so he had no idea why I called. We found out that the other video store was still open, and headed in that direction. Thank goodness everything there went just fine. Back in the car I go and head off for another grocery store, hoping that they will have an ice-cream cake that is a bit more reasonable. As I’m driving over there I begin to think about everything that had occurred during this special day. I thought about how sad it was that I was going to the store to purchase my own birthday cake, just like last year. Well, this store didn’t have any better options so I bought 2 pints of Ben & Jerry’s. On my way home I received my final birthday call of the day. At this point I was upset and decided to not answer the phone. I didn’t feel like talking to anybody or dealing with the question – “So what did you do today?” - or even acting chipper and happy.

When I got home my husband could see I was upset. He apologized for not doing a good job and he would try harder next year. He apologized that he didn’t get me a card or cake and acknowledged the fact that he could have made time the day before. I told him I truthfully didn’t expect anything from him because I didn’t even get a card on our anniversary this year so why would this be any different. I could see that this hurt him, but I was hurt too and I couldn’t keep it in any more. He told me that he knew I wasn’t like him and expected more from people on my birthday and promised he would do better next time because he didn’t like to see me hurt. While I was out he had made dinner, since I was starving I served myself and began to eat while he continued to work. Finally around 9PM he stopped working and was ready to watch the movie and spend time with me.

The movie I chose was kind of ironic. The main character had gotten up in the hubbub of everyday life and work. He never was satisfied with his social status and was always trying to achieve more. Through his attempts at obtaining promotions and a bigger paycheck, he wound up neglecting his family and going through life on auto pilot. He lost his wife and caused irreparable damage to his relationships with his parents and children. Here I sat with my husband who had been working all day and friends and family who were occupied with other events in their lives.

During the movie a friend of ours called. My husband was convinced that he was calling to wish me a happy birthday, but he only left a message about needing help with his wedding. Then my husband told me he had some wine and wanted to know if I would like some. I said sure. He went in the kitchen, opened up the bottle, and returned to the living room with one glass. When he leaned in my direction I assumed the glass was for me, but the look on his face told me he didn’t even think about pouring me a glass. He covered by saying that he had forgotten his glass in the kitchen and then places the one in his hand away from me. He went in the kitchen and my feelings were confirmed that he had no intention of getting me a glass when I heard the step stool being pulled out, the cabinet door opening, and more wine being poured. When he walked back in the living room he handed me the original glass of wine and then offered a toast about how wonderful I was and blessed he was for having me and how in love he was. Very sweet, but a little too late my feelings were already hurt. We finished the movie and then went to bed.


So this was my birthday. For those of you reading this that made an effort, I appreciate it. For those who did what they could, I understand. For those who forgot, I can relate. But I cannot lie, this was one of my most disappointing birthdays. I was left feeling forgotten. I know this was no one’s intentions, but this is how I feel.

The Tragedy of Hypocrisy And the Ignorance of the Un-Grateful

For the past 9 years of my life I have dedicated much of my time to my current employer – foolish yes I know. For the first few years things were fine, then my supervisor left and I took on her position. I’m not sure what possessed me to do so at the time, maybe a desire to prove I could do it, the hope of better pay, promises of advancement and profit sharing. However, from June 2000- February 2003 the situation was a disaster. There were extreme difficulties finding a competent and sane full time assistant and part-time bookkeeper. (Also factoring into this difficulty was the fact that the owners were not offering enough to attract good candidates) During this tumultuous time we hired and lost Red, Rino, CryBaby, Con-artist, Crazy, NoCo, Possessed, NotEnuff, College Girl, Sorority Girl, School Girl, Psycho, Blondie, and the 2 who are here currently (whom I love them both). This was all just in the office. Our faculty went through some changes as well – over 25 instructors have come and gone in these few years.

I have been here through it all. I have been the one picking up the slack – bookkeeping (manually), learning new computer programs, handling the near 1000 cliental, between 6-8 annual performances, hiring and firing, reprimands, covering classes, schedule creation and adjustments, retail manager/salesperson, accounts receivables, delinquent accounts, legal representative, supplies, computer tech, copy machine tech, cleaning, plumber, psychologist, nurse, correspondences, liability control, detective, advertising executive, public relations, personal assistant, security, receptionist, and dear Lord I’m probably forgetting a few things.

I’ve tried to quit twice. The first time I was enticed with, what I consider a bribe. The second time, a family emergency required me to reevaluate my decision. My raises have been generous; however they have not truly compensated me for all my time and effort. And then again, to my knowledge, only ONE person has received any kind of raise in the past three years. We have also lost close to 200 cliental in the one business and over a 50% decline in sales for the other. But ONE person has still received a raise – and other financial compensations.

I tried to quit again a few years ago. Had another job lined up but realized that going to another similar position was not going to be the answer. At this point I made the decision to go back to school to become and educator of the young. I know that it is not an easy job, but there are many more rewards that touch my soul – these rewards are priceless. I was honest with my employer and we worked together to establish a plan that would enable me to keep my current position, attend school, and hire a replacement. All was right with the world – until…….

In February a co-worker (who has since left) was instructed to change the passwords to the financial records and not tell anyone. Odd, as I was the only other person who had those passwords.

A conflict between the boss and the BFB. This went on for several months and the boss was quite annoyed. She asked for my assistance with her written responses to the BFB, and I maintained our confidentiality, however she shared with someone that I was assisting. Then she began to share the correspondences with select cliental. She mentioned the possibility the BFB was not going to be with us much longer or that the capacity of her position was to be altered – we had to wait until the end of the year. Then we had to wait until after this one last public appearance (where more drama occurred and according to some boss let certain people down through her support of BFB). Then we were waiting for the BFB to approach the boss. BFB and family invited boss and family over for dinner one night. When asking the boss the following morning how things went, we were given the response – everything is fine BFB understands – then off to her office she went. Since that day BFB has been given more control and the BFB and boss are the best of friends. I wonder if BFB is aware of how Boss was acting during their conflict?

BFB has shown up in the office saying she was ready to work. BFB has never worked in the office. Her BP was not supposed to have office hours this year, yet she is here more than ever. This I found out when BP continually arrives in the office, sits behind a computer, answers phones, and announces to clients “I’M HERE NOW” (even though I was standing right there). Also BFB has arranged with Boss for certain clients to work in the office, of which again I don’t find out until I have other clients tell me someone new was working and unable to assist them. When I have inquired about this to Boss I receive a matter of fact reply like I should have known this or it wasn’t any of my business anyway.

You know the new hire situation already. We don’t need to revisit that. There are a few amendments – when making suggestions to Boss that new hire should handle something there is a reason from Boss for her not too, and new hire’s name is on Boss’ to-do-list.

Boss has been looking over my shoulder lately. And I mean this literally. Instead of asking me for my rolodex, she is walking behind me and reaching for it. She is looking at paperwork on my desk. She has attempted to look at my computer screen when I am not there to see what I am working on – but I changed my screen saver password – so HAHAHAHAHA.

She has made a comment to me while I was on the phone with a client advising me to make sure I was being nice cuz we won’t want to loss someone cuz I wasn’t nice. I mean is she for real? The client was going off on the phone, she wasn’t even listening, and I was stern but not mean. So I told her that if she thought I wasn’t being nice and not handling the situation properly that she should get on the phone. Boss got on the line –as the client was still carrying on. The client questioned her identity and Boss claimed that she was me! Later in conversation the client questioned her identity again, and Boss (apparently forgetting she lied) claimed she was a co-worker that wasn’t even in the office that day! The client caught her in the lie and Boss talked her way out of it by claiming she misunderstood the client’s first inquiry into her identity. A second occasion arose where a client needed to be called. Again I was warned to be nice for the same reason. I told Boss that if she felt I would not handle the situation professionally after working with her for 9 years that she should make the call herself. Boss called client, and well the situation with said client still exists and remains unresolved – not to mention a potential liability for Boss if anything ever goes wrong.

Boss has been having cryptic conversations with male boss and BFB. This started with BFB in the office one day. Boss had instructed me to sit in the front office, instead of my normal desk, so I did. BFB came in mid-day and expressed that she needed a desk so I advised her to use Boss’s desk. Then BFB asked for the computer password, I have been instructed to not release this information to anyone, so I claimed I did not know the new password. I said if she needed a computer to give me a few minutes to clear off the desk I was at and she could come out there. Given my history with BFB, it would be easier to relinquish the front desk rather than any other situation. No response. I see a phone line light up. After a few minutes I hear “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!” From the front office I ask what the problem is and receive another similar comment. I respond with “the attitude in unappreciated I am attempting to find an alternate solution to your problem. BFB says that that is not the point. I clear off the front desk anyway and move to my desk. I notice that BFB has gained access to the Boss’s computer. One must now assume that BFB was on the phone with Boss who not only gave her the password, but must have sold me out by letting BFB know that I knew the password all along hence the dramatic “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!”. Thanks Boss.

A few days later….

I happen to be in the front office again, speaking with a client – we are both standing on either side of the desk. BFB walks all around said desk, opening drawers, placing down a book to my right, reaching over me to grab a pen – not once did she address me, ask me to move, ask for my help. A few moments later BFB is standing in front of new hire’s desk with Boss. The conversation is quiet. Then I can hear Boss say “no one is sitting at that desk you can use it”. BFB: “but she’s been standing there”. Boss: “she won’t be for too long”. A few more whispered words, then I faintly hear – Boss: “well we just have to be patient”. BFB: “you should talk to her”. Boss: “it’s just a matter of time”. I confirmed what I over heard with the new hire. Do they think I’m stupid?

Comments are consistently passed between BFB and her cronies about me. I have heard them, and others have confirmed what I have heard.

Boss is now going through the procedures book asking about its accuracy. I tell her that it is and there are only a few minor adjustments needed. One day one of my co-workers that I love (herein referred to as CWL) attempted to complete a project with the use of the procedures book. CWL is quite frustrated with the company we work for as well. Due to her frustration her desire to work is in the toilet – no that mine is any better. CWL had the procedures book open, but was still referring to me about how to do the project. I was helping her, at one point sitting next to her and doing it with her. After I left CWL continued to experience problems, some were due to the computer, she reached a point where she couldn’t do anymore and left me a message for me explaining the situation. When I arrived the next day I finished the project. 2 days later Boss comes in and in an accusatory tone of voice asks me why CWL had difficulties following the procedures in the book if I claim the book to be accurate. I now grabbed the book and sat down with my boss and made her walk through the project with the procedures book. As we were going through it I asked “Do you think those instructions were confusing?” My boss with LITTLE computer knowledge was able to walk through the project. After 2 hours, Boss said that she needed to be working on something else and we could finish this another day. That day has yet to arrive. But again I had to prove myself to her.

My work hours will be changing in a few months due to my education. Boss and I began to discuss this and she assured me that she would be flexible with it as we had originally agreed. She inquired about how it was going to affect me financially. (Realistically I won’t be working full time therefore I cannot expect to be paid my current salary). I shared with her how someone suggested me attempting to collect unemployment. Boss QUICKLY shot out the question, “How can you collect unemployment if there is work available to you?” I was taken aback by this question, even though a part of me was expecting it. When BP applied for unemployment due to “lack of work”, Boss signed off on it. But I am posed with this question?! After all my service and devotion?! How UnGrateful!!!!!

A faculty member has a daughter that has been ill for the past 2 years. This has been brought on by the trauma of a death. The daughter is an important part of our work family and sees BFB almost on a daily basis. Daughter has been poorly treated by BFB since the trauma began. BFB has inundated her with angry questions about the trauma, consistently brings up reminders, and then haunts her mother (fellow faculty member) with accusations that she is not handling the daughter properly. With this description I am merely touching the tip of the iceberg.

One day the daughter was in the doctor’s office and her illness had taken a serious turn. Faculty Member mom (FMM) left her daughter at the doctor’s office to come to work – out of guilt and fear of what BFB and Boss might think if she didn’t show. FMM attempted to reach out to Boss but could not get her, then she tried BFB (why I don’t know), then she called me. I could hear the panic and grief in her voice. She was hysterical and scared for her daughter. My instinct told her to turn around and go back to her daughter I would find a way to handle her hours. Her fear of Boss and BFB made her continue to drive to work. We got off the phone and I attempted to reach Boss. Unsuccessful in contacting her directly I attempted to contact Boss2. I explained the situation to Boss2 and was told that FMM had a tendency to exaggerate and she should show up to work. I could not believe my ears. I told Boss2 that in the 9 years I worked with FMM I had never heard her this upset and that I needed to speak to Boss immediately. A few moments later Boss called. I explained the situation and she was in agreement that FMM should come to work and explain to the clients that she could only stay for a few minutes due to a family emergency and we were to cancel the next group. While on the phone, BFB came in the office and attempted to reach FMM and Boss. When she discovered I was on the phone with Boss she shouted from the front office that SHE needed to speak with Boss. I picked up the call with FMM and let BFB talk to Boss. I explained to FMM what Boss and I had discussed but then told her to hang on as it was probably about to change as Boss and BFB were talking. However BFB did it, she changed Boss’ mind. BFB spoke to FMM and told her she could not leave early and we were not canceling her second group. BFB was going to go and help FMM with her classes and then BFB attempted to give psychological counseling to FMM. I spoke with Boss and she told me that BFB and FMM had worked everything out and not to worry. How cold. How would Boss feel if her daughter was ill and she was not allowed to be with her? I understand that FMM had the choice to say f- it I’m not going in, but she didn’t. Does my Boss think this is the good Christian way of handling the situation?

FMM’s daughter is still ill. It is going to take a LONG time before she will recover. I hope that in the future FMM will make a better choice about being with her daughter rather than at work.

So here I sit, among hypocrisy, ungrateful and cold beings. If I could only get out of here today. But I am bound by my paycheck and agreement. Bound by a near contract with the Devil.

I pray to maintain my sanity in this insane asylum which has been taken over by the inmates.

I pray for the salvation of my soul.