Family Matriach

First, I would like to say that things between us have been MUCH better. Since he wanted me to discuss my feelings more I have promised myself that I would not hold anything in anymore – not even the irrational thoughts that woman sometimes have. There were a few occasions were he failed to contact me when I was awaiting him to come home, and truthfully I used them to my advantage. They were the perfect opportunity for me to illustrate to him how his actions affect me and that he needs to make some changes too. With that said, my anniversary present was very sweet and the thought that went into it really showed me that he is trying to make an effort and he finally realizes that HE needs to begin to change. My birthday came with 3 celebrations. First a romantic dinner in AC at our favorite Cuban restaurant, then another romantic dinner in Lil’ Italy where we got engaged, then a night out with friends, and on the actual day a quiet evening at home with dinner and a funny movie.

For years we have considered having Thanksgiving at our house, but there was always a reason not to. Finally this year we decided to do it. 14 people in our lil’ house, but everyone had a great time – and those are HIS words!

These past few days, as I have re-cooperated from the holiday and put the house back in order, I have been left to my inner thoughts and yet again begun to contemplate life. After watching certain family members interact, I feel like I have a new insight on them – including my husband. I learned that his brother was the catalyst for my mother-in-law to come to dinner. We have been here for 3 years, and she has yet to visit. I began to think about how this seemingly lack of desire to see her son’s home could affect him. I then thought about how my family was excited to come over and once here took over my kitchen! I always knew that I had a strong, supportive family – even though some have the impression that we are not because of all the dissention amongst some of us. But to see the 2 families react in different ways helped me to realize how blessed I am. My family always manages to do the right thing when the time comes. They seem to gather strength through me. Now I see how I can do the same for his family and I thank my brother-in-law for that. My husband always told me that I was to be leader of this family, and now I see that I am slowly rising to the rank of family matriarch. It is an honor that I take pride in but it is also a scary responsibility to take on.

I have also been thinking about where my life is and where it is going. My husband has been questioning his lot in life. How he is not doing the things he thought he would be at this time, where is his life headed, where does he want it to go. And again I feel that I must be his strength. I have been so focused on changing my career and trying to find fulfillment in teaching, when maybe all along the answer to my fulfillment was right here in my home and ultimately my family. Maybe I will only find fulfillment in leading my family towards loving one another through my love for them. He is a part of my family, and for all the effort I put forth for my family I need to put a little more towards him. Just as the others look to me for love and support, he needs just as much and after all isn’t that part of what the covenant of marriage is – to love and support each other?

I love being there for my aunt, uncles, cousins, mom, grandfather, sister, and friends (especially those that are more like family). I should find the same love in being there for him and his family. So now I must turn my efforts towards my new found reason in life, my family – my entire, extended family.

So it is with God’s grace that I go forward on this new path. I thank Him for opening my eyes and pray that He guide me through this new journey.

Healing & Jealousy

This summer has proven to one of the most emotionally difficult ones for me. I’ve been through a lot in my life but I cannot remember experiencing pain like I recently have. Let me start by saying that things are getting better, but there are still issues that need to be worked on and trust needs to be reestablished.

I never thought for one minute that he would question my feelings for him. I never thought that once we were married there would be the possibility of an affair. Although he denies it time and time again, I still can’t help but wonder. I don’t know if it’s out of hope or denial but I don’t feel that he has crossed any physical lines, but I do feel he has crossed an emotional line. From going to a country concert, to driving her to the hospital at 1AM, to the over 800 minutes of cell phone calls, and over 400 text messages each month, the secretive phone calls, never leaving his phone alone, always having the phone on vibrate, difference in attitude after hanging out with certain people, the avoidance of coming home, and attempts to put his feelings on me to possibly alleviate his conscious, my friends wonder how I am surviving and still believing. I guess its out of blind faith and love.

He now believes that I love him, as he thought at the beginning of the summer I did not. He is now starting to regain faith in us, but has left me devastated to know that he lost faith to begin with. He is starting to tell me he loves me again, and I wait on baited breath to here it and then question its sincerity when I do. He wants more communication, but he has a habit of cutting me or not listening when I try. His perception of events is warped. From not remembering conversations about going off the pill, to no recollection of asking him to look into finding a dance class for us, to not remembering that I said hello to him, and not listening when we do talk, I am at a loss on how to revive his memory and help him be in the moment when he needs to be.

I feel like all the efforts to repair this relationship have not only been placed on my shoulders, but also have only been put forth by me. I would like to see a little more coming from him. Wouldn’t it be nice if he surprised me with wanting to go away for a romantic weekend? Or finding an activity for us to share in? Or telling me he loves me without me saying it first? Or ending his “friendship” with this girl? I am curious to see what our anniversary will bring in a few weeks and then my birthday and Christmas. I don’t need pretty jewelry or an expensive dinner, just a little something to let me know I still hold a special place in his heart.

During one of our conversations he asked me that if we got divorced would I hate him. I told him I would never speak to him again. He then wanted to know why? Ok, you can take that look of astonishment off your face now; as it took me a moment to digest a question that I felt was absurd. I told him that I do not allow those who have caused me such pain to remain in my life and that he should know this from all those who have come and gone in my life since he has known me. Since a divorce would cause my heart to break, I could never allow him back into my life as all it would do, would be to remind me of the heartbreak and pain me to see or speak to him again. He then asked if I would feel like I did not do enough to help make this marriage work. Ok, again I was taken aback. I told him that I would have no such regrets because I know that I have done everything I could and that if he decided to walk out it would be his decision because the problem would lie within him and there is nothing I can do to change him as that is something one must do on their own. I mean, we can always help one another to change, but both parties have to be willing to accept the help and then implement the change into their lives. I know I have changed. The question still lies, has he changed?

So I there are still feelings of jealousy towards this girl. And there may come a time for me to ask him to end this friendship, for that may be the only thing that will make me feel more confident in our relationship. There has been a mutual friend of ours that tried to tempt me to leave him by being there for me emotionally and telling me all the things I wanted to hear. Then he crossed the line when we were engaged and I was faced with making a decision about whether or not he was to remain in my life. After much discussion with my now husband, and realizing that maintaining such a friendship would put a strain on our relationship – both emotionally for him as he would never be able to trust this person again, and for me never knowing what his true intentions were – I ended the friendship. If I was able to do that for him, and for us, would it be so far fetched or outrageous of me to ask the same of him in our current situation?

As time goes on I will ultimately make a decision. I just pray that it will be the right one for me, him, and our marriage.

Wilderness of Pain

Lost in a Wilderness of Pain and all the children are insane.

I am lost in this pain
I am a child who is insane
Why isn’t there some magical remedy to make this all go away?

This weekend I realized that I ignored him everywhere we went. But why is the big question? Am I afraid of what he’ll say? Afraid that the next conversation we have will only continue to break my heart? Another problem? Another issue? Another fault? More pain added to what I am already feeling? Questions abound but I cannot seem to find the answers no matter where I look.

So now I question – was he right to question my love for him? I thought I loved him, but do I really? If I loved him would I be acting so cold? But then again if he loved me would he be focusing on the negatives as much as he has been? How do I begin to love him the way I did when we first met? Then again do I question his love for me? It feels as if he is putting the salvation of this relationship completely on my shoulders. If he loved me how could he do that? When does he take responsibility for his actions that have contributed to us being in this place? Does he have to go out all night? Does he have to not answer my calls? Why does he not say “I Love You” when we say goodbye?

How the hell did we get here? And more importantly how the hell do we get back to where we were? We were the seemingly happy couple. Getting through our trials and tribulations – or so myself and everyone around us thought. Now we are in the throws of… of…. Pain and anguish, torture and emptiness, loneliness and isolation. So I cry tears that go unseen. I’m building a fortress out of my pain. And my heart continues to break as I continue to crumble behind these wall of tears.

To Touch a Setting Sun

So once again doubt is rearing its ugly face and breaking my heart. I am going through the motions of being understanding and supportive and positive – yet inside I’m screaming.

Why all these questions? Why all the doubt? After all this time NOW it surfaces. As I am crumbling inside I want to take all this doubt and shove it down his throat. And then possibly kick the shit out of him, slash his tires, break his cell phone, and other destructive things. Ahh, but the good in me will always win out, and I will never pursue any of those secret desires because I know that they will achieve nothing. So instead, as I am confronted with the questions, I crumble inside and build walls around my heart.

What would I do? Haven’t I ever wondered? Wouldn’t I be happier? What if I can’t give what is needed? All these questions are posed, yet am I the right audience? Maybe he should look in a mirror and ask himself some of these questions. Maybe he should smash the mirror to get rid of the ugliness that has taken over his soul. Does he have a clue as to how this is affecting me? A part of me thinks that my feelings are not even a factor in this. As I’ve mentioned before it is difficult for me to vocalize my emotions, but I have been making a concerted effort to overcome this shortcoming. Yet conversations like the other night leave me feeling like my efforts are all for naught and that it is a waste of energy. When attempting to express myself, to put into words how his actions/words make me feel I am told that he doesn’t want to hear these things. The conversation quickly turns to a negative action that happened rather than looking at the positive outcome that transpired because of my efforts. Always focusing on the negative, and the positive is lost in what I see as selfishness.

How can one express their feelings when the other party is not open to hearing them? He is consumed by his emotions. He is holding himself flawless and sees how only I can make the difference. At least that is how I feel at times. But I still try to remain positive. I put up a front that I still have fight and a desire to work at this. Yet each day, each question, each sad look in his eyes, leaves me with nothing but pain as I try to touch a setting sun.

I’m lost. I am feeling emotionally battered and beaten. This constant questioning over the past 4 months is leaving me drained and depressed. I am feeling less sociable, less chipper, removed, unhappy, and …. And …. Losing my strength to fight, I am close to just giving in to whatever maybe. No teaching job – yet no desire to pursue one, and I mean really pound the pavement. Not registered for classes – again no desire to attempt to. A failing relationship – okay so I finally admit it, it’s falling apart and so am I.

Emotional Storm

Every few years or so I find myself lost, fumbling through the everyday, swallowing the melancholy and misery, and eventually I break out of it. There have been many catalysts that have left me lost – some tragedy or loved one’s death – but not this time. This time, another’s doubt and lack of faith have led me to this place.

I’m trying – Lord knows I’m trying – but this has to be one of the more difficult things I’ve had to do in my life. But I feel like every moment is a test – a test of my love, my faith, my intentions, my marriage, my life. Dramatic? Maybe a little. But I’m overwhelmed with these feelings.

This is all compounded by an interruption in my “master plan for my life”. I’m a damn Scorpio, we are planners because planning allows us a sense of control. We create a plan and then a plan B and plan C, as many alternate plans to accommodate for as many “what-ifs” we can think of. So my plan was to have finish school, get through my sister’s wedding, relax, have a teaching job by the end of June, get our finances back on track, and then contemplate having children. Well things didn’t quite happen that way. I did get through school and my sister’s wedding, and our finances are back on track. However, I do not have a teaching job – just the prospect of remaining here in hell for the benefits of understanding and freedom, never relaxed – instead dealt with another’s doubt, lack of faith, and my heart breaking, and never had a chance to contemplate children – partially due to the other person’s issues, lack of employment, and this new medical issue that I am awaiting more tests which will determine whether or not having children has been predetermined for me. Add to this an influx of hormones this month, lack of sleep, and working 10-12 hours a day, I think I officially broke down last night. It wasn’t necessarily the first break down this summer, but it was an uncontrollable, irrational, melt down.

The late nights, the seemingly secret cell phone calls and texts, the questions upon questions upon questions, the test of my patience and faith, and slowly the insanity is setting in.

I remain cool, calm, and collected on the exterior yet a storm is brewing inside. My heart is broken, my mind melting, and my emotions running like a freight train through my soul. Each day it becomes more difficult for me to keep it together. Last night I was kindly told to collect myself or pull myself together, but I just couldn’t – well temporarily I could, but that was it. I’m hurt, angry, frustrated, betrayed, beaten, broken, and bruised. I’ve had no time to lick my wounds and every time I think I begin to heal the scab just gets ripped off and salt pours in. My knuckles whiten as I hold on with a grip of fear and pain – but what am I holding on to? My sanity? My marriage? My life? My faith? It feels like a little bit of everything and little bit of nothing.

But I have found one answer amongst all of this. If everything fails – and I do mean everything, I know what I will choose to do. It will bring me far away from everything I have cultivated here, but closer to true and unconditional love. But this thought will remain in my back pocket and if it is meant to be it will be. Till then I must ride out this storm of emotional torment and confusion with the knowledge that one day I will wash ashore – battered, bruised, but well enough to heal.

Each Day

(I wrote this a few days ago, but didn't have a chance to post it till today)

With each day,
my heart breaks a little more.
Tears of pain and anguish,
happiness torn apart with words.
Love's hope fading
as the sunsets
on a horizon of broken dreams.
Barren trees embrace me
in the darkness of faith lost
singing in silence.
Awaiting,
awaiting,
awaiting the end of suffering.

The Talent of Girlfriends

Women are funny creatures. I’ve noticed through my own experiences and observations of others, that when a woman feels a strong sense of loyalty and love towards another woman any person that causes harm to that person faces the wrath and disdain from the female friend.

It is your female friends that you can count on to remember the one God awful thing that your boyfriend did that hurt your feelings. Now you may be married to that man, but your female friends won’t ever forget that one thing he did. You and he have probably moved past it, more than likely forgave each and forgotten about it – but she hasn’t. Oh, don’t let her fool you either, she may never mention it to (more than likely because you’ve asked her to let it go or because she sees you have moved passed it), she won’t even bring it up in casual conversation, nor as a joke, or a “remember when”. She will keep it in the back of her mind, and every time you turn to her for guidance on the next stupid thing that man does her brain will retrieve this story and file the new stupid thing along with it. Then, if and when, you and the man break it off she will remind you of all the awful terrible things that happened throughout your relationship. When she reminds of all this, you may be baffled that she remembered things you didn’t.

With this in mind, I’ve begun to think about how people wind up in bad relationships – be it emotionally or physically abusive or just something that leaves the woman feeling empty and unfulfilled. If a woman begins to recognize this talent of remembering in a friend of hers, she may begin to keep things to herself. Whether the situation is life threatening or not, she will hide her feelings about last night’s argument or her fear that he is cheating or her feelings of emptiness. She will do this for a few reasons. She may be hopeful that it is just a phase and things will get better. She may even think that she is being illogical or overly suspicious. Whatever her reason, she ultimately doesn’t want her girlfriends to look poorly on her man – right or wrong.

Now this does seem to create another interesting situation. Women have a need to vent. If you piss a woman off I can just about guarantee that she will turn to someone in her life and curse you out. Every terrible thing that she ever thought about you will come spewing out of her mouth. Mind you, she is just angry and venting. However, if she vents to a girlfriend the girlfriend will file it away and remember it for an eternity.

This talent is good and bad. It’s helpful when we need to avoid getting involved in a bad situation or relationship. It’s not-so-good when we just need to vent about someone’s temporary idiotocy.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. From my sister’s wedding, to the church group, to my friends’ recent break-ups/divorces, as well as my recent blogs I have witnessed and partook of this talent. I feel guilty for harboring some of these thoughts and mildly concerned that I’m tainting my girlfriends’ point of view on some people. I am trying to view my friends’ venting session for what they are and attempt to retract my previous judgments – whether they were vocalized or not. I also want to make sure that it is understood that this blog is place for me to vent or air out my thoughts.
When I was younger I used to keep a journal and it really helped me to work through some of the overwhelming emotions I was feeling at the time. I am an emotional creature. Often I am overcome by what is happening in my life and I figure out what I’m feeling or why. In times of reminiscing I have found myself looking through these old journals and recognizing the progression of my emotional development. The only difference with my journals compared to this blog is that the journals were truly private, no one could read them unless I allowed them – or they snuck into my room. Here my thoughts are for whoever is passing by. So I now add this disclaimer – this blog is intended to allow me a place to vent, think things through, and share some love and light for those who pass by. Read it for what its worth and don’t allow that lovely talent of remembering everything cloud your judgment.