Surviving the storm

An old friend of mine is a published author, extremely spiritual, highly intelligent, a great mom, and suffers from clinical depression. Over the years I have read her blogs, status updates, and book excerpts. I have found her ability to communicate her thoughts and feelings about her depression remarkable and admirable. 

 It seems like no matter how I hard I try, or how successful I think I have been in explaining my depressive episodes, in the end I fail. My friend has verbalized the clinical aspects of how the brain's chemistry fluctuates and allows your inner most darkest thoughts create fear and self doubt. She talks about how even in the most happiest of moments, when she was battling the depression she Couldn't make sense of it. 

See you are often aware that it's happening, but can't stop it or wake up from it. Imagine floating on the ocean's surface. It's a nice day, sun shining, and all is peaceful. As you look across the blue sky you see dark clouds in the distance, you see it's coming, despite your best efforts you can't get to shore fast enough and BOOOM the storm is upon you. with each wave you get tossed under and you fight to swim back to the surface. As the storm intensifies each wave push you further and further under. You know that panicking will only making the situation worse, but you are tiring from fighting your way back to the surface. You know that if you can just ride a wave or two you'll make it through, but the waves seem to come faster, stronger, and larger. Each time you are under the anxiety and panic take over. Before you know it you are drowning. Eventually the storm passes and you have survived again, but the next time you see a threatening cloud or wave the memory of the storm comes back and your body betrays you with panic or anxiety. 

 Here I sit, battling those horrible thoughts while my body betrays me with shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and stomach problems. An inability to stay focused on ANYTHING, amplified feelings of irritation that explode into anger, difficulties falling asleep, and avoidance of making decisions. Crippling thoughts of self deprecation, I struggle to rationalize but manage to do just enough to keep hold of my logic. If I do this than they'll may not be happy, if I do that then those people won't be happy, if I do this than I will express my anger and they will be hurt, if I do, then, if I do, then, if - then, if - then. It is an unending storm that keeps me awake and leads to the anxiety attacks. Compound this with graduate school, teaching in a toxic environment, a toddler, an infant, and other factors, there is no time for myself and my tolerance is nill. Oh, and when I do try to take time for myself I feel guilty, sad, and anxious too. So I lose my temper, try to focus on me to stop from losing my temper, and lock up my irrational feelings in an attempt to conceal, don't feel (yes that's a Frozen reference). And then I'm greeted with the helpful suggestions of "you should feel" " what's wrong" "stop being so negative" "those words are not meant for you" "why are you feeling that way" "I know you're stressed, but". I wonder if they have any idea of what I really want to say to them at those moments? Like I said, just when I think I have expressed myself and they understand, they say these things. Yeah, great, thanks. Just what I needed to hear, supportive words of logic which I rationally tell myself but have trouble believing. It takes a lot for me to verbalized my feelings, and even more so when it come to this depression. I know my thoughts are off, I know My feelings are amplified to the point of distortion, so why express them? Why expose others to them when they are so hurtful? What kind of person does it make me to have these thoughts? I must be horrible, not worthy, unable to be loving. And there are more of these thoughts. Darker. Deeper. Horrible. What are the triggers? They vary from one unplanned circumstance, to not having a break in my day from the time I wake up until then time I go to bed, a happily active toddler, a hungry baby, running late to see a friend when time doesn't matter, and any type of confrontation. Recently it's been a hard road. I've been dealing with difficult circumstances that are unavoidable which has increased my stress and therefore everything else. I try. Sometimes I fail. Miserably. And when I do stumble, when I try to listen to my body and give it the break it needs so I can cope with everyday life, many don't understand. I'm greeted with the litany of "you should feel" "I know you're stressed, but", and so on. Thanks. You didn't help. You've made it worse. Now I feel more guilty for trying to do for me instead of someone else. Now I feel more inadequate, more horrible, more sad, and less desiring of communicating anything because it truly feels like no one understands. So here I sit today in the midst of a storm. "Nobody's Listening". Linkin' Park (Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me) Told you everything loud and clear (But nobody’s listening) (Called to you so clearly but you don’t want to hear me) Told you everything loud and clear (But nobody’s listening) I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress handfull of anger, held in my chest Uphill struggle Blood sweat and tears Nothing to gain Everything to fear Heart full of pain, head full of stress

Distance

The window reflects my mind

Thunderstorm aftermath

Dreariness of hidden light

The rain washed nothing

Joy sits in my lap

my heart removed

Emotions tap silently

Darkness tingles

Kindness a habit

Steps like rain on saturated ground

Futile

Sinking without progression

hope lies in my arms

This Place of Grey

In this place of grey
 I fight to bathe in the light
The cloud of fear
 Expands and contrasts
Never bursting
 It lingers
It looms
It shades my reflection
Moving across my face
Hiding the darkness
Illuminating the sadness
Moments of laughter
 Moments of joy I
try to hold on
I try to embrace
 I try to feel
But the cloud just lingers
 The cloud just looms
A spectator I become
Wanting to laugh
So the actor takes the stage
 In this place of grey
The white becomes black
The black becomes white
As the rain falls
I bleed grey
Watching my life move
Without a starring role
With the cloud always lingering
With the cloud always looming
My place has become
This place of grey